Thanks for posting and offering support today. I stayed home today, to rest and pull myself together. My eyes were so swollen when I woke up from crying so much. Not good.
Imdi, I do agree that my distancing and being a little mysterious prompted H. to be curious about me, and it led to him wanting to see how he felt with me again.
But now that he's had the chance and gotten his answer, I don't feel I can get him interested anymore...no matter how detached I behave. I'll still try to detach from this for my own mental health, but I'm not expecting the results that it brought before. It feels like he has closed the door and isn't going to look back this time.
I talked to my mom; she is very supportive, too. She said that none of this is about me, it's about H's problems with himself, his lack of self esteem and his issues about his past w/his family. She said, "We always hurt the ones we love" and that she thinks H. still loves me deep down inside, but he is incapable of showing it or even feeling it when he is feeling so miserable about himself. So, he ends up hurting the one person who has always been in his corner...me.
All this does is make me want to find the way to help H. stop hurting, because if HE could stop hurting, then maybe he'd stop hurting me. If there is still love there, then what can be done to fix all of this?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
