I read your posts this morning. You are both so kind to say such nice things about me; I really appreciate the comfort. I am a little upset with myself for allowing H. "in" so much that he had the power to hurt me like that. I'd been doing very well at detaching but he seemed so eager to see me, and of course that's what I wanted all along.
This is the back step now- albeit a big one- that the WA's always perform after a period of closeness I did consider this. I figured he would retreat, but I didn't expect him to say the awful, final things that he did.
How many times have you tried to put more "force" into your words when trying to make a point, etc., about something you were not entirely sure of... Yes, I've done this, too. Maybe he was trying to convince himself, and not just me.
I talked to a friend last night and she feels that what is going on here is H. had enough space and time over the last month + to begin to miss me, and feel curious about the possibility of working things out. So he pursues by calling a lot over the last 3 days, and then comes over Mon. night. But once he got here and spent some time here, his guilt overshadowed anything he could feel for me other than a physical attraction, because he hasn't even lived here since right after I found out about the affair. Being in our home, being around me, reminds him of the lying and cheating he did right before he moved out, and he has not forgiven himself for all of this. It isn't enough that I can get beyond it; he can't. So he feels he doesn't love me that way anymore because his guilt is clouding it.
If that is true, I don't know what I could do or say to make things better for him. I have told him before that I do forgive him for what happened.
Needless to say, he did not call me back last night. I wasn't expecting him to.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
