Thank you, Deadeye, super, STit and Amy. Your posts are a comfort tonight.
Amy, you are wonderful to try to see a positive in this, but my post isn't conveying the tone of H's voice as he spoke to me tonight. He did not sound confused anymore. He sounded like a man who had gotten his answer. Amy, to reply to what you said, I just don't think he cares enough to do the hard work. And he clearly said to me more than once that that's not what he wants. He doesn't want to come back and see if we can work things out. He says he is not depressed. I question this. He said he thought being with me again would be new and different; is he looking for something to move on to from o.w.? Maybe she is not providing the "rush" anymore and he thought he could feel that with me again. He obviously did not, and now says he does not love me "that way" any longer. I won't call or email him; don't worry, Amy. Not in my plans. I feel just too awful to even think about doing that. But I do not think he will be calling/pursuing me the way he did in the past few days. He got the opportunity he was looking for, and didn't feel what he thought he might feel, so there really isn't any reason for him to contact me like that any longer. I am very hurt; hurt that he would use last evening as some kind of test. Hurt that he left all of his gifts here. Hurt that he could be so affectionate with me and then call me today to say it was wrong.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
My heart hurts for you. But more so because I know yours hurts... here's the thing... this is what they do. They unfairly judge and test us. Because, think about it, think about how easy it to make decisions based on something that isn't "real". It's all in their heads. He's going to do this. And he's going to go back-and-forth and all over again... You just have to figure out how you're going to let it affect you or not affect you.
Hope, you are too good to be treated like this. Don't let him hurt you anymore. Just tell yourself, "this person is not the man I love and it's not the man I married." Would you let a stranger treat you like this? Would you invest that much time, effort, and thought into what a stranger thinks of you? This is NOT ABOUT YOU. This is about him and his inability to be a freakin' grownup. And it's going to get worse before it gets better. I know I sounds like a broken record on this, but we can't imagine what their motives for this stuff are... we just can't. You hang in there, OK? I'm thinking you, and I'm here for you - we all are. I know this is so incredibly tough and YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!!!
Quote: We sit down to eat, and more talking. Things are going fine. After dinner I gave him his Christmas gifts and he loved them, and gave me a big hug and kiss after he opened them. After this, he's flipping through a magazine at the table, as am I. I wasn't saying much; I didn't know what to say! He got up and said he thought he would get going. He put his coat on and said, "You really aren't talking to me very much." I said, "I'm sorry. I really do want you to stay and talk with me." He said, "I don't really know why I came over." I said, "Well, would you like to stay?" and he said he really didn't. I asked him if he would please stay anyway, and he took his coat off.
He went down to our room to watch tv and I followed. We were watching a show and I put my hand on his arm. As soon as I did that, he grabbed me in a big hug and buried his head into me. He hasn't done something like that in a long time. Things happened, which I wasn't expecting, but oh well. NO ILY's were said although I certainly wanted to say it.
A little while later he got up and said he had to go to the store and pick up some things, and that he might come back over. He left all his things here, including his gifts. When he left he gave me a BIG hug and kiss, and I said, "Am I saying goodbye for the night?" and he said he thought he'd be back in a bit.
In the first bold quote from your earlier post, I saw the awkwardness. I imagine this is where he realized he couldn't just slide right back in and have things all wonderful again.
In this second bold quote, I read desperation and complete emotion. That he had been longing to hold you and was so relieved at just the touch of your hand....
To say your H is immature emotionally is probably accurate. But the feelings are there. I just don't think he knows how to cultivate them. I think he also sees how much you have grown and because he is still somewhat confused, somehow that threatens him.
I just don't see someone we are married to, even if the marriage is in shambles, just coming by to take advantage of the situation. To pick someone up in a bar - maybe - but not to come home to us. Too much history.
I think he is looking for "home" and just realized that home has changed and much of it is his fault. I know that overwhelming feeling of "Oh Jesus, What have I done. How can I make things right again?". His behavior reminds me of that feeling.
Keep praying for him. Just ask God to be everything that he needs....
Trying, Hi. Thank you for posting to me. You said some comforting things that I needed to hear. I'm a little more calm, still teary. I drank some Ensure, the old back-up meal replacement, "for those backsliding rollercoaster riding days of the LBS." I could do a commercial. And he's going to go back-and-forth and all over again I don't see how. I think he's made up his mind. He sounded very final. this person is not the man I love and it's not the man I married He sure isn't.
This is about him and his inability to be a freakin' grownup I was thinking this over before. He definitely is NOT acting like a grownup. I feel used and walked on. Didn't he even consider how this might affect me emotionally? I guess if he did, he didn't care, because as he said, "I had to find out."
You hang in there, OK? I will try. You are so kind.
Some days the only thing that keeps me going is the genuine caring I have received here on this board (and in real life, from Sassy). I am amazed at the depth of kindness I have seen here. Thank you very much, Trying. I promise to catch up on the other threads including yours, as soon as I have a little more clarity.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You highlighted two very important moments; the ones that stood out to me, too. I just don't see someone we are married to, even if the marriage is in shambles, just coming by to take advantage of the situation I think I see last night as more of a personal test on H's part. He came here looking for a feeling that he just didn't have for me. And I guess because it seems like it would be hard work, he doesn't want to try to mend our R. I also think he believes the feeling should just come naturally, that you shouldn't have to "work" for it. That seemes to indicate to me that he is looking for the euphoria again, and he isn't feeling it with me because he knows me. Then again, I've also got him telling me, "I feel like I don't know you anymore." so I really have no idea.
I think he is looking for "home" and just realized that home has changed and much of it is his fault. I can believe this. At one point tonight I asked him if he was uncomfortable due to "all that had happened" (affair, lying) and he said yes. I think it's more than that, because I have told him I could get beyond those things if we could try to work on the marriage. I will keep praying for him, Amy. Thank you for your support. I hope I can get some sleep now and start over tomorrow.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Damn, I was afraid of this. My heart aches for you too. They just don't know what they do to us, and frankly, many of them don't care. You did nothing wrong. He is still "out there" searching for something he already has in you. Sometimes we are most blind to the things closest to us. I don't know what's going to happen with you guys but i really don't want to see you hurt again. Your capacity for love has been demonstrated. Your capacity for forgiveness is constantly tested and you pass every time. You're hurt right now because you love and want to be loved. That is one of the most admirable reasons to get hurt. I want you to realize that people like me, who only read what you post here, can see the heart you have, and feel the warmth you give to the world. Please, turn that heart and warmth loose on yourself and take care of Hope. Again, I hurt for you tonight. What he did was predictable but never-the-less awful and you are undeserving. Hold that head up and show him that he's losing much more than he ever thought!
Okay- now you made me cry- b/c I think you speak for everyone on this board when you write about Hope's heart, capacity to forgive, and how obvious it is to all of us here... man. I only wish I had some of the strength to love like Hope does...
Hope- I have no real advice to give, again. Just hang in there. I know it sounds like H is certain, that he has made up his mind, but we've all heard it from our spouses. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've heard from my H, in no uncertain terms, that he doesn't love me, that it's over between us, etc. I know how it feels, but really, it just stems from confusion, hurt. This is the back step now- albeit a big one- that the WA's always perform after a period of closeness. In some ways, and I don't mean this in a bad way, but I was expecting this from your H.
And if you are concerned about H's tone...think about it: How many times have you tried to put more "force" into your words when trying to make a point, etc., about something you were not entirely sure of... like saying it more forcefully means that it is true, even though we know it isn't....
Anyways, it sounds like your head is in somewhat of a decent place, despite the pain. You know to step back and not contact H; good for you. It sucks, but it's the right thing to do. H needs to sort this out for himself.
Just know that you are a strong, courageous woman who will survive this, no matter what. We all admire you for your quiet fearlessness....
((((((Big ole Hugs))))))
PetiteFlower
Quote: Follow Your Bliss
~Joseph Campbell
Dear Hope, “Truth" is transient. Remember that--like the river running past your aching feet, no way to freeze that moment in time. This is what "feelings" are like, a rush of water cool only for the moment. Today he is in a mood that is telling him to be firm with you about his "feelings" because he wants space and time. He thinks he has had enough to make up his mind, but I say give him more space and his “truth” may change as well.
I have found that every bit of information I thought I wanted or needed from my H only served to make me feel like crap and force him to say things to me that I will never be able to forget.
Try to think of the conversation this way: He wanted to express his "truth" and even though it is NOT what you wanted to hear, they were his feelings and he was testing how you would handle them. My advise to you when you talk to him again, if this should come up again, gather all your strength (meditate first or something) and though it will feel totally painful and counter-intuitive, tell him you appreciate his honesty and how he shared his feelings with you. Try not to question or correct him or point out how this is hurting you (we all know that gets us no-where) and try to affirm his feelings in as few words as possible. I even choked out the words “I understand you need this for your happiness” when H told me he was going to Germany to be with OW. God bless you if you can do this! It takes such strength but if you practice a sample conversation out loud, or even write down how things might go, you will feel more prepared.
I'm so sorry things have gone badly for you--sometimes there is a time to test the waters to see if they can respect your feelings and maybe that is partly what you were doing. When they care so little for our pain, it can make it a little easier to detach and I say take advantage of that. You have friends who love you and you are worthy and you have done NOTHING wrong--he is the one who is justifying what everyone else can see as plainly as the nose on their faces is WRONG. However you can be the conquering hero and not the victim, it is a choice!
He ran you off the road onto this new path. You didn't choose this path, you didn't want it, yet here you are. There are two ways to go now that you are on it. You can take the high road and make your life better than it ever was because you CAN, or you will choose to let him have control over your emotions and you know how well he has tended that garden--don't let him control your happiness.
Oh my, I'm on a posting extravaganza tonight--can't post anything on my sitch 'cause H doesn't communicate (hardly anyway).
Good luck Hope--let that river run through you, you have gained more strength than you know from all of this wretchedness. It is not all about winning him back, it is about finding happiness for yourself. Let the passage of time change your perception--you can be the conquering hero--you can and you will!!!
Oh no. I just got caught up on your news and I cringe as the story unfolded. Your H's unrealistic expectation reminded me of an evening I had with my H in Sept. We'd gone on a date, but it just felt so awkward and he later admitted he was testing the water to see what feelings were left, and found that we really don't have much connection any more and that we are too different. So in his opinion, the evening was very good because it clarified things for him. Like you, I felt I had been unwittingly put to some kind of hopeless test. Just as you said you thought you'd been given an opportunity but you blew it - I also could have said this. I too felt devastated. It stung to know I was unfairly scrutinized by him in his confused and alien state. Mine actually put his hand on my hip in a way that felt so intimate and safe, only to later say he had done it expecting to feel some electricity and there was none. These wa's are so confused and looking for some kind of divine moment of truth that's just not realistic. I think my H was waiting for a burning bush to speak to him about what he should do. I'm serious! He wondered if our orchid blooms that refused to dry and fall were a sign that he should come back home. They are looking for some spectacular magical moment when the clouds will clear and they will be suddenly enlightened and know positively what they should do. It's a way of not taking responsibility for themselves and their decisions. However, that evening did not stop my H from resuming his bouts of frequent phone calls and emotional admissions that contradicted the things he said of that night. You're H remains confused and I'm sure the fat lady is not singing yet. So my dear. I have no wise words. Just know I feel your pain. And remember that H is an alien and you can't believe him. He's trying to convince himself. You will pick yourself up and continue to do what clearly has been working. And please don't forget the chocolates. HUGS! Hang in there.
Ok Hopefloats7, I hink you might benefit from the MLC board also, since it has some good suggestions about what to do. I know it sounds like H might be too young for MLC, but he is very close to the bottom area.
I fell into the trap a last week, W decided she wanted to ML. I thought it was nice, but she commented how bad it was later. I think she was also testing her feelings.
You need to get strong and not co-dependent on H. I know this is hard right now since you are reeling. Keep posting and stay strong.
Read these threads to understand everything better.
