Dear Hope, “Truth" is transient. Remember that--like the river running past your aching feet, no way to freeze that moment in time. This is what "feelings" are like, a rush of water cool only for the moment. Today he is in a mood that is telling him to be firm with you about his "feelings" because he wants space and time. He thinks he has had enough to make up his mind, but I say give him more space and his “truth” may change as well.
I have found that every bit of information I thought I wanted or needed from my H only served to make me feel like crap and force him to say things to me that I will never be able to forget.
Try to think of the conversation this way: He wanted to express his "truth" and even though it is NOT what you wanted to hear, they were his feelings and he was testing how you would handle them. My advise to you when you talk to him again, if this should come up again, gather all your strength (meditate first or something) and though it will feel totally painful and counter-intuitive, tell him you appreciate his honesty and how he shared his feelings with you. Try not to question or correct him or point out how this is hurting you (we all know that gets us no-where) and try to affirm his feelings in as few words as possible. I even choked out the words “I understand you need this for your happiness” when H told me he was going to Germany to be with OW. God bless you if you can do this! It takes such strength but if you practice a sample conversation out loud, or even write down how things might go, you will feel more prepared.
I'm so sorry things have gone badly for you--sometimes there is a time to test the waters to see if they can respect your feelings and maybe that is partly what you were doing. When they care so little for our pain, it can make it a little easier to detach and I say take advantage of that. You have friends who love you and you are worthy and you have done NOTHING wrong--he is the one who is justifying what everyone else can see as plainly as the nose on their faces is WRONG. However you can be the conquering hero and not the victim, it is a choice!
He ran you off the road onto this new path. You didn't choose this path, you didn't want it, yet here you are. There are two ways to go now that you are on it. You can take the high road and make your life better than it ever was because you CAN, or you will choose to let him have control over your emotions and you know how well he has tended that garden--don't let him control your happiness.
Oh my, I'm on a posting extravaganza tonight--can't post anything on my sitch 'cause H doesn't communicate (hardly anyway).
Good luck Hope--let that river run through you, you have gained more strength than you know from all of this wretchedness. It is not all about winning him back, it is about finding happiness for yourself. Let the passage of time change your perception--you can be the conquering hero--you can and you will!!!
