I agree, but you know something, I don’t think he knows what to do. He may want to get to that point, but he doesn’t know the steps to take to get there. He’s being emotionally immature if he thinks this happens overnight.
Wow, my sentiments exactly. Like I told Rob a few days ago, we have to realize just how much effort, reading, soul searching, talking, counseling, etc. we have put into this while all they do is "have fun" with their OP and "explore their feelings", i.e. bury their feelings in an unhealthy relationship. They are emotional infants, at least in knowledge of this kind of stuff, when compared to us. I thought the same thing of my W when she was talking about never going to C and how she knew what was wrong, etc. She just doesn't get it. Your H may not either. It is WORK and it is scary to know just how much and not think our spouses either can or will do what it takes. I guess that's why we're here. We need all the help we can get because it is a confusing, uphill battle sometimes.
H is very confused... and also placing some unrealistic expectation on you. Don't feel guilty for that, or that you have to do something different so he doesn't feel this way. I will try not to, but it's so hard to not personalize everything all the time. This is some seriously tricky business, dealing with these WAH's. I'm sure you are just a whirlwind of emotions right now, but just remain calm. H WILL be back again... just prepare yourself for how YOU want to handle it... Trying to be calm, trying to not get all stirred up like before. It's so difficult. And now this thing with the weekend; it would be easy to get my hopes up about this, but I'm afraid to do that. I wish he would just make up his mind...what's it gonna be???
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
My H. called me this afternoon. Immediately I knew this was not going to be a good call, because the tone of his voice was very down. He asked how work was, etc. He is at work tonight.
He said, "Well, I'm sorry about yesterday." I asked why he was apologizing. He went on to say that he felt he was wrong to come over; that he felt very uncomfortable here. I asked him why he felt uncomfortable and he said, "I don't know. I just did." He said it wasn't anything I did.
He said that he had wanted to come over to see how he would feel, and it wasn't what he thought. I asked what he had hoped to feel, and he said, "I don't know...something new, something different, but it didn't." I tried to tell him that considering we haven't seen each other very much, it would be normal to not feel comfortable here but that I did enjoy his visit and I had hoped he would come by again. He did not sound very positive about doing this. I don't think he wants to come over again because he felt he was wrong; he kept saying that, and said he was sorry.
I have to tell you, I feel totally rejected all over again. I think he tested the waters regarding his feelings, didn't feel what he'd hoped for and has written this off now. I don't know what to do now; I don't think he will be back over to see me and I am so very sad tonight.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope~ sorry you are down and sending you a huge hug. Now obviously I have not been in your situation, but I am thinking that his discomfort is a good thing. It means that he has some thinking to do.
No doubt someone with some words of wisdom will drop in soon, but I know you are hurting. He still wants a connection with you. The facts are he keeps calling. Why did he call you tonight? If it was really over, he wouldn't bother, so please take some heart from that.
Just because he didn't feel comfortable doesn't mean he won't try again. Then again maybe he won't. But think about your reaction as opposed to how you would have reacted a couple months ago.
Take some deep breaths. He's probably feeling conflicted about his feelings and maybe a bit guilty too. I know we all want to jump back in where we left off but it just doesn't work that way. His being cautious is a good thing. It means his head is probably attached better than it has been in months.
He now sounds angry. We talked more about him being uncomfortable; he said that he is being "courteous" by being honest with me. I asked him if he would please come over this weekend and we could have a nice evening together. He said he could try, but he doesn't think it's a good idea.
Of course I am now being very anti-DB'ing and asking him why he feels this way, etc. This is what he said: "You don't understand. I don't love you in that way anymore. I wanted to see how I would feel, and that's why I had been calling and came over. I wanted to see if I was making the right decision, and now I know I am. I'm not coming back."
Of course now I am trying to hang on to something, and I asked him questions. He said that he was sorry; that it's not me, it's him. His feelings have changed, not mine. I asked him if he thought maybe he is depressed, and maybe that was part of the problem. He said, "No, I don't think that's it. I'm not depressed anymore."
I said that it had only been one evening; didn't he think that maybe it would take some time for us to have feelings for each other again? He said: "I don't want to come back and try to make things work. I don't want to see if we can feel that way. I just don't want it."
I told him I love him. He said he knew that, but he was sorry; his feelings have changed. He did not say anything about o.w. or that he was in love with someone else. This was all about his lack of feelings for me. And as for coming by this weekend, he said he didn't think he would; it was not a good idea.
He was getting upset talking about this and said he had to go, because he could not have this talk with me while he is working. He said he would call later on.
I feel worse than I did when I found out about the affair. To have your H. tell you loud and clear that he does not love you anymore in that way is so painful there are no words. I am crushed beyond repair tonight. I know he is never coming back now and it isn't because of someone else clouding his feelings...he just doesn't feel love for me anymore. I am so heartbroken and lost.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope: I know how you feel. My W gave me the same speech last Thursday. Almost word-for-word. I was heart broken. But you have to remember, It is the alien talking. He is so confused that all he can see is the quick way out. Here is where you need to go dark. I am going dark now & it is very hard. If it was't for all my friends here I know I could not make it. You have to decide if your M is worth it. I know mine is. I am going to stick it out until something happens, one way or another. By GAL, you will feel better about your life & it will make it easier to detatch. I am in the same sitch as you so maybe we can help each other. keep posting!!
Rember the drill...............believe 50% of what you see and somewhere around 0.7% of what you hear. I've gotten this speech from my W a bunch of times over the past few months. It hurts like nothing else but you have to keep telling yourself that your H is possessed right now. Once his demons have been exorcised you will recognize him again. Hang in there and keep posting.
Get back into the DBing mode and quick! Your H's words do not support his actions. Not at all. I think he discovered when he was with you that this is going to take more work, as it will for all of us and our spouses when they return. He has realized that he can't just walk back in the door and you guys pick things right back up. Your sitch is actually a reality check for us all. We might get awfully caught up in the wonder of our spouses returning but the real deal is that that is probably when the REAL work is going to have to take place. I think that in your husbands mind he has been through so much (and put you through so much) that he doesn't think think he has the energy for all it will take to reconcile and get your marriage back on an even keel.
So he got sad and then he got angry because that will stop the process if only for now.
That's just MHO but I'm curious to see what he does when you pick yourself right back up and get back to where you were when HE started to pursue YOU again. Don't call him. Don't write him. Let him sit with this awhile and see what happens. I'm very sorry that you are hurting but I think there is a real possibility a corner has been turned in your sitch. Now it's a matter of him finding out if he has the guts to follow through on the hard stuff or not.
