The Other Side of the Mountain

[hopefloats7]

You said you were amazed at H's behavior. Is that because it was so out of the blue? Or some other reason?

I did not see this coming, even with the increase in his phone calls lately. I tried to be pleasant and welcoming to him, without overdoing it. Was that what he wanted...for me to be all over him and assure him I want him back? I thought that was smothering?! He used to talk to me about his feelings, but last night, nothing. I had no idea that he was here to see how he felt with me, if he fit in and was comfortable. I wish I had known this.

Again, I feel like I blew a chance or something. I tried to tell him on the phone last night that it would take more than one dinner and a few hours here to feel comfortable again. How could he expect to feel ok about things after months of not living here and spending time with me? It doesn't work that way.

The bigger question is why is he all of the sudden looking to see if he feels comfortable here again.

[NYsurvivor]

Lostingrief's last post is a good take on your H's recent behavior, Hope.

he's asking most of the questions (because I feel like if I ask him too much, I am prying)... I wasn't saying much; I didn't know what to say!

Yet, it kept you from getting into the old "pursuit" mode with him, and that was a good thing.

The big picture, Hope, is what to look at: you've detached some, are going out doing things some, are not getting into the kinds of pursuit type questions/statements as you used to, not available when he calls, don't return most of his calls, and being somewhat vague about details (but not vague enough!) when you do speak to him.

That, plus whatever unknown is happening on his end, is resulting in H's coming around and actions. His confusion is a good thing. Permit it to continue by staying on course yourself. It's not soup yet.

He called me back an hour later to say goodnight. I asked him if I had done something wrong

Try not to personalize things. Most of the time, in most of life's situations, we're told that it's not about us. A better question would've been, "I'm sorry you felt uncomfortable. What is it that you feel mad you uncomfortable?"

Was that what he wanted...for me to be all over him and assure him I want him back? I thought that was smothering?!

We don't really know what he "wanted", if anything. He sounds confused, perhaps he doesn't even know what he wanted. If he doesn't know, then we surely can't know.

He used to talk to me about his feelings, but last night, nothing. I had no idea that he was here to see how he felt with me, if he fit in and was comfortable. I wish I had known this.

He used to talk to you about his feelings. Simply because he didn't last night is not that significant. People don't always do what they seem to always do. For all you know, his definition of "comfortable" is for you to go back to pursuit mode, give him his comfort zone back that you've just recently started to pull out from him. That's not what you would want; you don't want to go back there and experience the same old.

Again, I feel like I blew a chance or something. I tried to tell him on the phone last night that it would take more than one dinner and a few hours here to feel comfortable again. How could he expect to feel ok about things after months of not living here and spending time with me? It doesn't work that way.

You're absolutely correct, yet, don't tell him what you think it would take for him to feel comfortable again. You don't know.

You didn't "blow" anything. Turnarounds don't happen necessarily because of any one thing, any one "chance", but as a culmination of things.

The bigger question is why is he all of the sudden looking to see if he feels comfortable here again.

The answer will come out in due time.

In the meantime, what you're doing seems to be working. Focus on that. Do more of it, continue on that track, and try not to dwell on mindreading/assumptions lest it moves you off that track.

[grasshopper]

Hope,

I really think it's part of the confusion he's going through, but a good part. Finally he's doing what I asked my W about last night. I asked her "If you're so confused, how come all your actions to sort out the confusion are with the OM?"
Now your H realizes that there are some feelings he needs to check out on your side of the fence too.
The OW may not be out of the picture, but he seems to be coming around to thing not being so cut and dried.
I hope you stay centered and ride this out. I also hope that your H realizes the right thing to do (you) and re-commits himself to your R.
Right now is the time to observe and trust your instincts. You've spent time building them up, now use them.

GH

[lmdi99]

Hope-
I think that you are gaining back some control over the situation...don't relinquish it. You need to maintain your stance, as hard as that is. Look where it has gotten you...he is curious...he is exploring his feelings for you...that's a good thing. Listen to me: you did nothing wrong!!! He is very confused. The fact that he acknowledged coming over as a way to see if he still feels comfortable means that he is confused. You need to use his ambivalence to your advantage. Keep up the mystery. Don't pursue. Leave the contact up to him...i guarantee he will call. He doesn't feel comfortable b/c you have turned the tables on him...you've switched it up by being a distancer...and he doesn't like it. But, it means that he is feeling something and thinking about you and him. Keep doing what you were doing...it was working!

[hopefloats7]

Thank you, NY S, and grasshopper for posting your opinions.

You’re right; I don’t want to go back to pursuit mode, even if that is how he was anticipating I would act. Then again, after so much rejection, it’s unreasonable of him to think I would continue to act that way towards him.

I feel like last night he wanted to touch home plate, so to speak, while he continues to run the bases.

He sounds confused, perhaps he doesn't even know what he wanted
He did say at one point, “I’m not even sure why I came.” I get the impression that he had built up his visit in his mind but once he got there, it wasn’t living up to what he expected.

I’ll do what you suggested, more of the same. If nothing else, it has been helping me, even if it doesn’t help my R. with my H. I will admit, today I feel a little shaken up. I was not expecting all of that last night.

I hope you stay centered and ride this out. I also hope that your H realizes the right thing to do (you) and re-commits himself to your R.
Me, too. I would still like to give this a chance…the chance that he’s yet to offer.
We have yet to agree to work on our R. only because H. said that’s not what he wanted. I’m still unsure of what he was looking for last night, and I feel like I didn’t provide it, even though he said it was nothing I did or didn’t do.

I’ll see what he does from here. If we make it to the weekend and he’s still interested in coming over after work for dinner and a movie, then great. We’ll see how that goes.

Frankly, I’m scared. If he’s coming around I don’t want to do anything to mess it up. And because I don’t know what he wants, I don’t know how to act.

[grasshopper]

Frankly, I’m scared. If he’s coming around I don’t want to do anything to mess it up. And because I don’t know what he wants, I don’t know how to act.

Ok, isn't this more of the assuming and mind reading that helped get most of us here in the first place? I don't really have a good alternative other than to just ask him. If he doesn't know what he wants, or can't tell you, then you have no choice to just act on what YOU want or need.
I think communication is the key in my sitch and probably most of ours here. If we are ever to get to a place where we feel comfortable and they do too, it will be based on communication.
I may just be that our W/H's are not in a place where they can do that, and we CANNOT return to the days of mind reading. Like others have said, in light of his continued confusion, you must stay the course and keep doing for you, not him.

GH

[hopefloats7]

Imdi,

Thank you for replying; I really appreciate it.

I guess I took his, “I feel like I don’t know you anymore” as a bad thing, not a good one. As if he’s going to dismiss his previous curiosity due to the fact that he stopped by, spent time, and felt too uncomfortable so he had to leave. To be blunt, I’m afraid that was it, and now he may not want to come back to spend time again, because it didn’t feel comfortable enough last night.

Of course, you, me, and everyone here knows that it would take a lot more than one evening at home having dinner together for him to return to being comfortable, but he doesn’t seem to grasp that idea. That’s why I pointed it out to him on the phone last night.

He doesn't feel comfortable b/c you have turned the tables on him...you've switched it up by being a distancer...and he doesn't like it.
Well, if he doesn’t like it, I am sorry for that, but I can’t go back to being the way I was. And ultimately, that isn’t what he wants, either, because he complained about feeling restrained and suffocated when I behaved that way.
This is why I am very confused. Is he looking for me to behave in a manner that he ran away from? That makes no sense.

I was doing so well, and now I feel like I slid back down about 100 feet after losing my gripping.

[superstressed]

I think communication is the key in my sitch and probably most of ours here. If we are ever to get to a place where we feel comfortable and they do too, it will be based on communication.

Grasshopper is right. This is all about communication. Hope, whatever happens with your H, it seems you have to rebuild your friendship first. Then once you are both communicating better you can see where things go.


SuperStressed

[petiteflower]

Hope-

Wow! I just caught up with the most recent events in your situation, and like you, I'm taken aback by your H!

I don't think I have more to contribute than any of the other posters before me, but I do agree with all the advice. Continue to let H intitate contact with you, do not persue, etc. It does appear H is very confused... and also placing some unrealistic expectation on you. Don't feel guilty for that, or that you have to do something different so he doesn't feel this way. He will just have to come to terms with it on his own time and realize he's going to have to put a little more effort and work into things if he wants to get to that "comfortable " place with you again, especially after all the drama he's caused over the past 6 months...

I'm sure you are just a whirlwind of emotions right now, but just remain calm. H WILL be back again... just prepare yourself for how YOU want to handle it...

I'm thinking of you-

[hopefloats7]

Super & petite,

Thanks for posting. It’s so comforting to have people care when you’re in a spiral of emotions.
It does appear H is very confused... and also placing some unrealistic expectation on you
I’m glad someone else agrees with me here! I do feel that H. is being unrealistic in regards to how he expected things to go. I know he’s not really thinking about it, but I have been hurt very deeply by his actions. Only time will help heal that.
he's going to have to put a little more effort and work into things if he wants to get to that "comfortable " place
I agree, but you know something, I don’t think he knows what to do. He may want to get to that point, but he doesn’t know the steps to take to get there. He’s being emotionally immature if he thinks this happens overnight.
I'm sure you are just a whirlwind of emotions right now, but just remain calm. H WILL be back again... just prepare yourself for how YOU want to handle it
Yes, I sure am. But I am trying to be calm and centered. I don’t want this to set me back.

If he wants to see where things can go for us, he does have to realize we need to work on the friendship aspect first. Mind you, the key word in that last sentence is “work”, and I am aware that anything going forward with H. will take work. My concern is that he doesn’t comprehend this. I mean, after a near-drowning experience, you don’t just jump right back into the deep end.