Thank you. I'm not surprised you understand. I made some tea and wrote in my journal. I feel a little better. He also called about some mail that came here; he has to come pick some of it up tomorrow. I don't know when, and I did not ask him what time. He knows my work schedule though. To be honest, I'm not even looking forward to seeing him, even if I do. It's never positive anymore. He doesn't want to talk about coming back. I just end up emotionally upset. This time when he called, he didn't ask how I was doing, or anything about me. But he quickly volunteered how sick he is; he has the flu now. I hadn't even gotten the chance to ask him how he was before he offered up how ill he felt tonight. I'm sorry; did someone just cue the violins?
Goodnight, friends. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
This time when he called, he didn't ask how I was doing, or anything about me. But he quickly volunteered how sick he is; he has the flu now. I hadn't even gotten the chance to ask him how he was before he offered up how ill he felt tonight. I'm sorry; did someone just cue the violins?
Hi Hope, this is where wah seems to be right now ~ all full of self pity and not even factoring in anyone else's feelings at all.
I too can relate to this
I think I'm scared because I'm starting to not miss him as much. I know with my head he is a very unhealthy partner and incapable of doing what is needed to have a long lasting relationship. My heart still misses the version of H. that once was, before he jumped on the WAS wagon. I guess I still don't get it that the old version of H. is not who he is right now. He might never be that man again. It's funny, how he can look like the same guy but act like a total stranger.
It's scary as I even mentioned to s-i-l that "I don't know if I love him anymore". After saying that I felt horrid, but if I am being honest with myself that is how I feel right now.
Not too sure of this fairly recent development, so just allowing myself to feel it for now. Too scared really to analyse it fully. I don't know that it is detachment though?
Oops anyhow, I hope you have some lovely things planned for the weekend.
Quote: I'm not even looking forward to seeing him, even if I do. It's never positive anymore. He doesn't want to talk about coming back. I just end up emotionally upset.
I don't know if this is "right" or not... but maybe that's a step for you. Maybe you're starting to see that you can be OK with distance. And that distance will eventually give you strength. And whether he knows it or not now, he's going to wonder about why you're not excited when he comes over... Then he's going to go through the whole, well, fine then, she must be mad at me... And you know what, it'll start to not affect you like it used to. And that's OK. It doesn't mean that your marriage is over. It doesn't mean that he's never coming back. It means that you're starting to take care of you (emotionally) and that's essential babe. You hang in there.
I (we) all understand the loneliness. Complete stranger consuming our spouses body. It is weird not to miss him so much, and waives will still come, but it is a good thing. Much healthier.
I’m glad that you can relate. I feel very scared going through this new phase. I still want to work things out but I don’t look forward to seeing him the way I used to. As I said, it’s never anything positive; he doesn’t want to get back together with me. I actually hope he stops by when he knows I won’t be home. And, after work today I’m going out to do a few things, so I won’t be at the house regular time. He has his key, so he can get in when he needs to. So your H. is also very self-absorbed? It seems there is no consideration for how I’m doing at all. It’s so unattractive, I find myself wondering why I love a man like this. I can’t answer that sometimes. I do have some nice things planned this weekend; meeting Sassy for brunch on Sunday!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Trying, What you said is right—I am starting to take care of myself emotionally. I know what upsets me and what I can handle. I’m doing a lot better at avoiding the things I know cripple me. Months ago, it was like I was jumping into shark infested waters with no lifejacket or raft! I called him way too much, I made sure I was always home when I knew he’d be by. And I’d make special dinners, hoping he’d stay to eat. I can’t put myself through that anymore. It didn’t make a difference, anyway, but I had to learn that.
Sometimes I wonder, what does H. find attractive? The needy routine didn’t work. Going dim hasn’t worked. Acting very happy around him hasn’t worked. I don’t know the best approach; he’s not responding to anything I do.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
So your H. is also very self-absorbed? It seems there is no consideration for how I’m doing at all. It’s so unattractive, I find myself wondering why I love a man like this. I can’t answer that sometimes.
I still love my W very much but sometimes I think I would find a garden Gnome attractive right about now if you know what I mean. Don't beat yourself up. I am really happy you are getting together with people who can empathize with you. Have a GREAT time and let us know how it went!
My heart still misses the version of H. that once was, before he jumped on the WAS wagon. I guess I still don't get it that the old version of H. is not who he is right now. He might never be that man again.
He was never really that man. It's more likely that, right now, your memory is skewed towards the "good times" or the good stuff about him in the past. That happens when we suffer a loss. Just as the WAS sees the relationship history as bad, LBSs see it as good. Just like widowed people who then place their deceased spouses on pedestals, even though they might've been married to real stinkers! I've often joked that the difference between a widowed person and a divorced person is that the widowed person wishes their spouse was still alive, whereas the divorced person wishes that their spouse was dead. Ha, ha.
In my case, I was told to see the bad stuff in my ex in order to obtain a more realistic view. That seemed impossible to me for some time, I honestly thought, "no... goodness... she was great! This and that and that and this... no, can't find anything negative to say worthwhile..." but you know what? In time, yeah, I realized a lot! Enough for me to say "oh yeah! Wasn't as I thought it was" when I look in the rear view mirror.
Sometimes I wonder, what does H. find attractive? The needy routine didn't work. Going dim hasn't worked. Acting very happy around him hasn't worked. I don't know the best approach; he’s not responding to anything I do.
Sooner or later you'll get away from the idea of doing things to prompt a response or change from H, and get more into doing it for you without that conscious thinking about it.
Be that as it may, people are attracted to confident, independent, self-loving, happy people with their own lives.
H may not respond to you at this moment because of where he is in his journey, and he may never respond to you because we don't know the future, but that does not negate becoming whole on your part, as H's responses does not dictate your life, nor should it.
Sometimes I wonder, what does H. find attractive? The needy routine didn’t work. Going dim hasn’t worked. Acting very happy around him hasn’t worked. I don’t know the best approach; he’s not responding to anything I do.
I'm calling BS on this babe...you had him when you were distancing, not answering all his calls...but YOU gave into him...You had him...but you chose to give back the control to him out of YOUR fear. This is why I want you to read the book I am bringing you...
In my case, I was told to see the bad stuff in my ex in order to obtain a more realistic view. That seemed impossible to me for some time, I honestly thought, "no... goodness... she was great! This and that and that and this... no, can't find anything negative to say worthwhile..." but you know what? In time, yeah, I realized a lot! Enough for me to say "oh yeah! Wasn't as I thought it was" when I look in the rear view mirror.
Can I get an AMEN on this please!!!! Once again, you took the words right out of my mouth...of course replacing SHE with HE...since I don't swing that way!!
