I can see that being a huge obstacle...not knowing when he's being truthful. At this point, I still don't. Actually, H. isn't a very smooth liar but I wasn't looking for lies pre-bomb. I had 100% trust in him and just thought he was going through a rough time.
We spoke on the phone very briefly this afternoon about a financial issue (not worth mentioning). The reason I bring this up at all is because of his behavior. We're having a fairly normal conversation, and then all of the sudden he becomes erratic and is trying to rush himself off the phone. He's gotta go; has to get to work. It's like someone pressed the "speed up" button on him. I can't explain it but it is so abnormal. I don't know what is wrong with him. This is not the first time this has happened.
I know he's off the next couple of days. Maybe he will try to contact me; we still have to meet to discuss our bills and shared acct.
I think I'm scared because I'm starting to not miss him as much. I know with my head he is a very unhealthy partner and incapable of doing what is needed to have a long lasting relationship. My heart still misses the version of H. that once was, before he jumped on the WAS wagon. I guess I still don't get it that the old version of H. is not who he is right now. He might never be that man again. It's funny, how he can look like the same guy but act like a total stranger.
Tonight, I am just so, so sad for the loss of what was with this man. We did have some incredibly wonderful times. We lived many places, we did many things, we shared so much. I expected our lives to continue on like this for a very long time, not to be cut short by something I never saw coming. And I really didn't...I never saw it coming.
For the life of me I can't understand why he wouldn't want to have the chance to have more happy times like we did. There is no way he is living a happier life now, o.w. or no o.w.
I am absolutely exhausted from being lonely. Yes, I have my friends. And my family. They are wonderful. But I don't have my H. in my life anymore and there is a void that no one can fill.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
