Shocked,

I would never get upset with you! I value your advice very much.
he keeps secrets b/c he isn't entirely comfortable with his choices. That means he's thinking. don't push.
You are right and I hadn’t really viewed his lying in this way before. Interesting. I do hope he is thinking. It’s just so hard when I have no idea what those thoughts could be from day to day. Funny how you are dealing with the same question right now, with that census!

NYS,
Your reason just strikes me as

1. You still tying into him; it's an emotional connection you have with what was, that you wish to keep hold on, by knowing what his life now consists of, as he's now a stranger to you, and you're not privy to his goings on as you once were;

2. A matter of your curiosity, as you want to find out if he's living with the OW or not.
As usual, you’ve got me pegged. It isn’t that I think he’s coming back sooner if he’s not living with her; I just want to know. It is difficult because he is becoming a stranger to me, and after 14 years, this is not comfortable for me.
so she saw me as a cold-blooded murderer of creepy things
You?! Never!
Do they permit customers to bring in 2x4s at french bistros?
Nope. They ask you to check these at the door. That goes for whips, too.

Imdi,

What if he says, "yes, i'm living with ow"...will that make you feel better or worse?
Worse. Although I also think if they did live together, it might spell the demise of their R. a lot faster. Keeping things on the level they’ve been only facilitates their R. to continue in a fantasy state. More reality needs to seep through the cracks.

We don't know what efforts they might be making to improve the R. Either way, i remind myself that i can't control him. Try to let go a bit.
Thank you for the valuable reminder. After all this time I do know I have to let go, but I still need the reminders from my friends here!

There’s an overwhelming consensus to not ask, so I won’t. I want to very much, but I will keep quiet and let him have his privacy. As NYS pointed out, I’ll probably find out if he moved at some point, especially if we end up filing.


Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.