Will knowing change anything? No. I realize that. But I guess I feel it isn’t right that he keep that from me. I can’t explain why. I’m not asking for an address; I’d just like him to be forthright about whether he has moved out of his brother’s place. As I said, I don’t need an address. I would just like to know whether he has moved. Is this bad? I don’t feel that this should be a secret.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
It's just another form of pressure. Don't get too upset with me. Remember this is from the heart. It's analogous to asking where the R stands. Remember too, he may just lie, and back to what I said, he keeps secrets b/c he isn't entirely comfortable with his choices. That means he's thinking. don't push.
just thinking, did you see in my stich that I am part of the census bureau's survey? I have been reading the directions, I actually think that I have to ask my H where he officially lives. I am trying to avoid it.
I know there are plenty of reasons I shouldn't. I still want to ask anyway. I mean, he knows where I live; I don't feel his living situation should be a secret.
Go over all those reasons you say you know are why you shouldn't ask until they sink in. This "I still want to ask anyway" tosses away all the valid reasons to not so pursue - you give the reason that "he knows where I live; I don't feel his living situation should be a secret", and that doesn't strike me as a significant enough basis. The real basis, I think, is to have the address so that you can contact him regarding business matters. Your reason just strikes me as
1. You still tying into him; it's an emotional connection you have with what was, that you wish to keep hold on, by knowing what his life now consists of, as he's now a stranger to you, and you're not privy to his goings on as you once were;
2. A matter of your curiosity, as you want to find out if he's living with the OW or not.
I'm not saying that it's a matter of whether you should or shouldn't have his address (personally I think you should, as it serves a practical purpose in contacting him forward going), I'm just observing that the reason why you feel that way may be something for you to reflect on and deem whether this is the path for you to stay on for your healing.
You'll get his mailing address eventually in the normal course of events. When my ex had the moving men over, she didn't want me to see their moving instructions lest I catch her new address. Partly that's because she had lied to me about where she was moving to; she had said it was into her girlfriend's house when it was really moving into the OM's apartment. Yet, not too long afterwards, some correspondence needed to be forwarded to her, so I got the mailing address from her anyway.
What my ex said to me at the time of moving out really shocked me. She said she didn't want me to have her address lest I go kill her. My jaw dropped. I've never, ever been violent toward her; I couldn't believe she even could think that of me. Maybe it's because she used to freak at the sight of a spider in the house and I'd have to kill them for her, so she saw me as a cold-blooded murderer of creepy things. But seriously, perhaps it reflected her sense of guilt. But I digress.
who am I fooling here? If H. were interested in working things out, he'd be contacting me and making that clear.
Reading through posts over the past 1½ years or so, I see it's not always made so clear, as in a formal declaration, yet know that if a WAS wishes to return, then if there is no physical obstacle to them returning, neither mountains nor chasms will keep them away, though it's possible the ex mother-in-law's scorn may prove formidable.
Do they permit customers to bring in 2x4s at french bistros? I have to call and check.
Hope- Here's my 2 cents...don't ask him. Remember...will asking bring you closer to or farther from your goal? In your mind, it would be nice to know where your H is living. You are being logical and considerate. But, remember that all these WAs care about right now is themselves. What if he says, "yes, i'm living with ow"...will that make you feel better or worse? In the scheme of things, does it matter where he is living? Its just geography.
Every day I wake up and I feel a little less hopeful about my M. ever being restored. I mean, who am I fooling here? If H. were interested in working things out, he’d be contacting me and making that clear.
There are days when i feel this way too. A while back, i had this feeling (it was very strange) that the ow was no longer in the picture. And i thought, if thats the case, then why isn't he working on our M? But, i think NYS is right...they don't come right out and say "okay, i want to work on this." We have no idea what is going through their minds. We don't know what efforts they might be making to improve the R. Either way, i remind myself that i can't control him. Try to let go a bit.
I would never get upset with you! I value your advice very much. he keeps secrets b/c he isn't entirely comfortable with his choices. That means he's thinking. don't push. You are right and I hadn’t really viewed his lying in this way before. Interesting. I do hope he is thinking. It’s just so hard when I have no idea what those thoughts could be from day to day. Funny how you are dealing with the same question right now, with that census!
NYS, Your reason just strikes me as
1. You still tying into him; it's an emotional connection you have with what was, that you wish to keep hold on, by knowing what his life now consists of, as he's now a stranger to you, and you're not privy to his goings on as you once were;
2. A matter of your curiosity, as you want to find out if he's living with the OW or not. As usual, you’ve got me pegged. It isn’t that I think he’s coming back sooner if he’s not living with her; I just want to know. It is difficult because he is becoming a stranger to me, and after 14 years, this is not comfortable for me. so she saw me as a cold-blooded murderer of creepy things You?! Never! Do they permit customers to bring in 2x4s at french bistros? Nope. They ask you to check these at the door. That goes for whips, too.
Imdi,
What if he says, "yes, i'm living with ow"...will that make you feel better or worse? Worse. Although I also think if they did live together, it might spell the demise of their R. a lot faster. Keeping things on the level they’ve been only facilitates their R. to continue in a fantasy state. More reality needs to seep through the cracks.
We don't know what efforts they might be making to improve the R. Either way, i remind myself that i can't control him. Try to let go a bit. Thank you for the valuable reminder. After all this time I do know I have to let go, but I still need the reminders from my friends here!
There’s an overwhelming consensus to not ask, so I won’t. I want to very much, but I will keep quiet and let him have his privacy. As NYS pointed out, I’ll probably find out if he moved at some point, especially if we end up filing.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Went home for lunch; there was a message on the answering machine from H. Brief acct. update, and he asked me to give him a call if I got a chance. I checked the caller ID; he was calling from the place where he's been living all this time. Hmm. Does this answer my question? Not really, but I guess it made me feel somewhat better without me having to ask him directly.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I know just how you feel. I snoop more than I should and then find out things that drive me crazy only to later find they were innocent. The problem is, before I found out about his A I didn't do all this snooping. Now I just don't know when he's lying and when he's telling the truth.
It doesn't help that he's had a history of inappropriate female friends. When we were first dating I was dropping him off at the airport for an extended return to England (where he's from) and a female friend of his showed up as we were trying to have a tearful goodbye. It pissed me off that she showed up (and gave him an expensive watch as a going away gift) but I should have thought to ask why he told her when and where his flight was to begin with.
Regardless, I'm glad to hear your fears were calmed without having to resort to asking him directly.
I can see that being a huge obstacle...not knowing when he's being truthful. At this point, I still don't. Actually, H. isn't a very smooth liar but I wasn't looking for lies pre-bomb. I had 100% trust in him and just thought he was going through a rough time.
We spoke on the phone very briefly this afternoon about a financial issue (not worth mentioning). The reason I bring this up at all is because of his behavior. We're having a fairly normal conversation, and then all of the sudden he becomes erratic and is trying to rush himself off the phone. He's gotta go; has to get to work. It's like someone pressed the "speed up" button on him. I can't explain it but it is so abnormal. I don't know what is wrong with him. This is not the first time this has happened.
I know he's off the next couple of days. Maybe he will try to contact me; we still have to meet to discuss our bills and shared acct.
I think I'm scared because I'm starting to not miss him as much. I know with my head he is a very unhealthy partner and incapable of doing what is needed to have a long lasting relationship. My heart still misses the version of H. that once was, before he jumped on the WAS wagon. I guess I still don't get it that the old version of H. is not who he is right now. He might never be that man again. It's funny, how he can look like the same guy but act like a total stranger.
Tonight, I am just so, so sad for the loss of what was with this man. We did have some incredibly wonderful times. We lived many places, we did many things, we shared so much. I expected our lives to continue on like this for a very long time, not to be cut short by something I never saw coming. And I really didn't...I never saw it coming.
For the life of me I can't understand why he wouldn't want to have the chance to have more happy times like we did. There is no way he is living a happier life now, o.w. or no o.w.
I am absolutely exhausted from being lonely. Yes, I have my friends. And my family. They are wonderful. But I don't have my H. in my life anymore and there is a void that no one can fill.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
My heart still misses the version of H. that once was, before he jumped on the WAS wagon. Tonight, I am just so, so sad for the loss of what was with this man.
As usual, our feelings are parallel. This is very well said. I miss my H terribly...the man that i married. And for the life of me, i don't understand how one person could change so much..or maybe he didn't, and i was just blind. But, i do miss being married...you know, coming home, having dinner, watching tv, going to bed...all those things we take for granted, b/c we think that it will always be. Well, i took it for granted anyway.
I am absolutely exhausted from being lonely. Yes, I have my friends. And my family. They are wonderful. But I don't have my H. in my life anymore and there is a void that no one can fill.
I can relate. I wish someone could explain how they think that this is a better life. What happened to make them think that they have been so unhappy? I just don't understand it...any of it.
