lost you again, you lock quicker than any other thread. Glad to see that your doing better. the reality is that we have to move on whether we like it or not. We cannot win if we don't. We cannot lose if we do. If we don't let go and move on we are still chasing misery-- can't win. If we move forward, we become better happier people. Getting our WAS back, may or may not be in the cards, but you have to move on to get dealt the cards! either way, better and happier, we cannot lose.
I have to tell you that I had a talk with a close friend today (who also is a member of H’s family), and she wishes to see me waste no more time on H. This, coming from a member of his family! She’s been in my shoes and waited a very, very long time for her 1st husband to pull his act together. He didn’t. They did divorce.
She is full of compliments for me, and tells me how much the family misses me. This really touched me and I hate what has happened to our relationship. H. is not close to his family and they have always been closer to me than H. I know they are extremely saddened by what H. has chosen to do and they actually want me to pull myself out of this mess, and let him go down all by himself.
I wrote to her, told her I’m doing my best to take care of myself. I do have a plan laid out in my mind of what I will do, where I will move to, if we D. but I’m not making any decisions at this time. She respects this but she is so darn mad at H. (and disappointed, too). This is causing such unrest in the family. I wish everything could be erased and we could go back to happier times.
I joined AAA. (No, not AA; Triple A, the auto club). I had been thinking about it, and I received a card in the mail offering the membership. I felt this was an excellent move for me; God forbid I break down, I won’t have to worry about who I can call anymore. I have my own little member card and a shiny sticker on my car’s bumper. See, I’m becoming more independent. I’m proud today.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I thought of you today when I was out in my garden. Lots of butterflies around, maybe it is the weather. Mainly just yellow ones, but spotted a Ulysses Butterfly. They are absolutely gorgeous. Pic for you here Ulysses Butterfly
It really is a special moment seeing them as they are such a vivid blue.
Interesting things your friend had to say. It must be sad for them too.
Hey hope- Just checking in with you this morning...hope all is well. I wanted to say how inspired i am by your outlook on things. I know that you have moments when you are sad, but you do seem to be picking yourself up. You certainly do seem more positive about things in general. Good for you!
I’m hanging in there. I still miss H. but I guess all this time apart with no frequent visits from him has helped me emotionally break away a little bit. I pray every day for my marriage to be salvaged but I know H. has to want to be in a marriage, and that seems to be the problem—he doesn’t.
I did a websearch last night on intimacy avoiders. Oh boy. I came across some very insightful articles that I bookmarked. H. has shown classic signs of this for a long time, even before the affair, and I just thought that was how he was; some people are like this, etc. I did not recognize it as a problem that could lead to the demise of our marriage. Another thing I came across was some information about unworthiness, and what it is like for people who suffer from this. H. also has this problem and I know it goes all the way back to when his parents D because his father was a WAH and left his family for o.w. I read for about an hour last night, and I think I have a very good understanding of what is really wrong with my H. and I so wish that I could do something to help him, but I know I am not his therapist, I’m his wife, and I cannot force this information upon him. I just wish someone could sit him down and explain to him, this is why you are feeling so badly inside. You are ok, you are worthy, and you have a lot to offer. You need to let go of the negative feelings you have about yourself. I find myself so frustrated about this. What can I do? Is there anything at all? Shocked, thanks, but I’m not regifting anything for Valentine’s day. I appreciate the suggestion but I am not doing anything for him come 2/14. I am not going to humiliate myself like that, when I am sure he has plans/gifts for o.w. If I do anything, it will be to stop off at the florist after work for a nice bouquet of flowers to cheer me up. Other than that, I don’t want to even think about the holiday; it hurts very badly this year.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You seem to be holding tight to yourself and keeping your head above water - painful as it is. Wish I knew of an anodyne for this - I'd be rich!
Valentine's Day is coming up. A day made cruel by the comercialization of the greeting card companies and diamond merchants (not to mention the florists). It has always seemed just plain mean to me.
I personally love V. Day because as a teacher of young children I get to see true expressions of joy and love. For children, this is truly a day of giving. Their little faces get so excited when they give their tokens of appreciation. Valentine's Day for children is a day of community and belonging. Romance is still way too icky. I prefer to think of the day as a child would.
Anyway, one of my favorite children's stories is about V. Day and I'd like to share it with you DBers. Sorry for the hi-jack Hope but this one is especially for you.
Somebody Loves You, Mr. Hatch by Eileen Spinelli
The story begins with Mr. Hatch who is tall and thin and does not smile. He lives a routinized life of same time, same food, same loneliness. He works in a shoelace factory and has no interactions with his fellow employees. He lives in a brick house where he doesn't know his neighbors.
One day the postman with whom he's never spoken delivers a package. Inside is a heart shaped box filled with candy. Attached is a little white card that says, "Somebody loves you."
This changes Mr. Hatch. Just knowing that someone cares enables him to start talking to his neighbors and coworkers. He shares his box of candy. Soon he begins to help his neighbors with things and they return the favors. Fiestas and happiness ensue until..... the day the postman arrives on his door and tells him he delivered the box to the wrong house. He is so sorry. Mr. Hatch sighed. "Nobody loved me after all."
Mr. Hatch reverts to his old routinized ways and no longer participates with those around him. Everyone is concerned. The postman explains what happened. Mr. Hatch's neighbors and coworkers band together to show him how important he is to them and one morning when he wakes up he sees everyone he knows outside his door. "All over the porch were red and white hearts and pink bows. There were boxes of candy on the chairs and yellow streamers flowing from the ceiling." There was also a huge banner that said, "Everybody Loves Mr. Hatch"
Ok, I left a lot of the beauty out of the story but I think the "moral" shines through. We create our feelings of belonging by opening ourselves to others. We get what we give. I'm not speaking about romantic love just finding a sense of belonging and being important to people. You've done that here Hope. All you DBers have.
We create our feelings of belonging by opening ourselves to others. We get what we give.
Great story.
OK. I get that the facts can remain the same, yet we can change our lives and how we feel about ourselves and our lives and others, just by how we look at things. In Mr. Hatch's case, like us, he had it inside of himself to be happy. He flicked it on when prompted by an external circumstance, but in fact, HE flicked it on. Sadly, he permitted an external circumstance to trigger him to flick it off too.
Why wait for an external circumstance before we flick ourselves on when we know we have the power to do so ourselves all along?
