No contact from H. yesterday. Not surprised; he was off last night, and today, so I expect to not hear from him. It bothers me that he'll call repeatedly like he did the other night from work, but won't contact me at all when he has time off. I do miss the friendship and fun we used to have.
I found out that a woman I know is going to separate from her husband soon. It's been coming for a while. This is her second husband; she has developed an emotional attachment to a married co-worker. It's such a mess and makes me sad. I wish she and her husband could work it out. He says they "need a break".
I'm reading Surviving Infidelity, and I highly recommend it. (thanks Imdi). Going to read more in a little bit.
I hope everybody has a good weekend.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hi Hope ~ just catching up. Wow, I love that phone, phone, phone thing wah just had to do. And yes, the puppy thing got a giggle out of me. Here I am thinking if you had been out and puppy was at home by himself, the constant phoning would have driven him nutso as well. Do you know if he barks at the phone when you are out?
I loved SF's advice to you. It's not up to him. It's up to you. You control this situation. Don't react to him. Don't pick up the phone
Thanks for checking in. Yes, you are right---puppy does bark at the phone, so this only added to the commotion! Thankfully, today is a quieter day.
I spoke with H. today. We are going to come together and work out our finances so that he will give me a check each month to help pay the bills here. This is going to eliminate the need for him to call me with acct. updates all the time. This is fine; I will be better capable to budget the money and keep track of my end of it. The downside is that it's another step away from any reconciliation. Now we're splitting up finances...this will probably lead to more split ups, I'm sure. It feels more and more like we're headed for divorce.
I had a nice long talk with my favorite aunt today. She's got a good ear; she really empathizes with me, and tells me she hears me being stronger, and that makes her happy. She doesn't try to push me into leaving or anything like that. She understands I feel that my marriage is important. She has asked me if I think H. is "on" something. Strangely, she is not the first person who has asked me this. She also asked me if I thought he is bipolar, or has some kind of mental disorder. I don't really know; I wish he would go to a psychologist and get help. She agreed with me though: the man I married would not like the person H. has turned into at all.
Bought myself an early Valentine's day present. I had a coupon to receive 50% off a purchase of $100 or more at a jewelry store here; I also had tucked away some money I received at Christmas. I put the two together and got a beautiful pink sapphire heart shaped necklace that I'd been eyeing for the longest time (it was also on sale!). I have it on as a reminder---I must love myself enough to get through this!
Going to check in with the other threads...
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I have it on as a reminder---I must love myself enough to get through this!
I think that is a very important thing to focus on, Hope. You are bigger and better than this situation in which you find yourself. I agree with your aunt. You sound stronger every day.
Buying the jewelry was a great idea, too. I am going to buy myself a ruby ring. I have always loved rubies and made that known. My H never bought me any. He bought me other stuff but never any rubies. I think there is some significance to that. I have my great-grandmother's engagement ring which is a ruby with 2 small diamond chips. I can't wear it all the time as it is 100 years old and fragile. Great-grandma was the first "tough broad" in my family. Maybe that's why I associate rubies as a symbol of toughness. So, that ring is on my "to get" list.
Hope the "finance" talk with H goes well.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Quote: I have it on as a reminder---I must love myself enough to get through this!
I think that is a very important thing to focus on
So very much agreed upon...and yes the little treats help you a bit. A little splurge. When my D was final, that following Christmas I bought myself a Rolex. Nothing fancy but I always promised myself growing up that one day I would own one when I made it...when I D, I had made it as far as I was concerned.
Hmmm...didn't really buy myself anything this time, oh yes I did a Powerbook, forgot that was my Christmas present to myself.
Hi girls, Thanks for posting. Yes, I'm trying to be good to myself. I feel so up and down lately. One day, I'm good, next day I'm down again. Ugh. H. never called back so I don't know when we will get together to go over the finances. It is something we have to work out though. I am planning what I want to say to him. I want him to know that I do hear him; that I understand he is not coming back right now. That he is living a different lifestyle and trying to be happy. He has gotten frustrated with me in the past because he believes I do not listen to what he is saying, that he isn't planning to come back. I want to tell him I hear him. I do want to tell him I miss his friendship, but I don't know if that's carrying it a bit far. Any thoughts? I'm not trying to apply pressure here. A quiet evening at home; time for tea.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hey Hope. I think should play some of it by ear. Say you miss him if it feels right and it doesn't feel like it will sound as though you are trying to manipulate him. Show him you have heard him, but hear him too, you know? Validate what he says then, don't try to bring up things he said in the past unless it is comes to that. If the convo doesn't get to the points you are thinking about right now, you don't have to make sure you say them. Just save them for later.
Al, Thanks. I was going to do what you said, too, which is to see where he's at when we meet up, and validate those ideas. He's hard to gauge a lot of the time. Last time we met up, he was so final, so negative about us. Then later than night, a late phone call, and confusing talk: from "I'm not coming back" to "I just need...some time". It's a wonder I'm not completely insane yet.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Food for thought, validate but do not give him a definite answer on anything unless it is something that you know you ca live with. Do not have him put you on the spot to make an immediate decision about anything. You can respond with "Hmmm...you've made a great point, let me sleep on it and give it some more thought before I answer you." One your validating and you're also setting a boundary to let him knwo that he's not going to push you into anything that you do not want to do.
Personally, I'd play it by ear, if things are going well then perhaps say the I miss you. I actually would avoid it all. This is a finance discussion, saying you miss him, really is bringing up R talk. He may just turn on you. Play it by ear and get a feel for where he is leading the conversation.
