You guys never disappoint... I can suss out a resounding WHACK! Get back in there! Stop whining - you've got a baby now and you need to make this work! And you're absolutely right.
Thank you, Slowly, for linking up my threads! I never would have gotten around to it.
Ellie, here's my crack at your questions - been typing two lines at a time for a few days now. I'll get to more later, but this is what i have so far.
- how are you meeting SO's needs for affection at the moment?
Not much. I'm trying to improve in this arena since he told me how “starved for affection” he was. I had no idea - thought he was detached and distant and didn't want me near. So I'm reaching out, giving hugs, squeezing shoulders, pinching fanny.
- what LL's are you using to express your appreciation for him working to support the three of you at a job he doesn't care for?
Well, definitely AOS (see below). WOA to a limited extent. I need to ramp up the WOA for sure.
- how are you greeting him when he comes home from work? (Suggestion - handing him the baby and saying "here! I'm going to take a shower" is NOT the best way!)
Ha! I can tell that having an infant isn't too far away in your memory. I get a shower about once every three days… Well, here's where I'm shining. I am knocking myself out to use my only window of opportunity of the whole day, the evening right around dinnertime, to make the bed, wash the dishes, straighten the living room, and break out a new recipe to make a delicious, elaborate dinner, 5 nights a week (no kidding). So when he arrives home around 8:30, a new and different delicious meal is waiting, everything is clean, and we sit down to a lovely dinner. My need for creative expression is met to a certain extent, I get a cathartic hour or so to myself while the baby sleeps, and we have a good conversation over good food. S. loves food and he loves my cooking.
- how are you paying attention to him? (Don't forget, most guys are blindsided by the loss of attention when a baby comes along).
I try to let dinnertime be a time when he can unwind and talk about work if he wants. When he comes in the door, I always say "It's Daddyyyyyyy!" to the baby to let him know he is missed during the day. I get him something to drink when he comes home. At night, even though I'm usually nursing the baby and my back is to him, I make an effort to contort myself so I can reach out and squeeze his arm or shoulder. I always say good-night with a kiss, and when i can scoot away without waking the baby, I snuggle up behind him or (his favorite) scoot my back up to him so he can snuggle up to me. I admit I need to be more attentive to the WOA and appreciation. It's hard when I feel like I'm doing EVERYTHING but going to work.
- are you happy and showing it? (One thing I've learned here, men fear -and eventually leave - women they feel they cannot make happy)
Here's where I definitely am NOT shining. I try with the WOA to boost him, but I guess my disappointment can easily show through a lot of the time.
Sex, which always worked so beautifully for us, has been nonexistent since well before the baby was born. We fumble around now and it's awkward, and haven't ventured into the world of actual intercourse again yet. I hope this isn't TMI, but it's important, especially since sex is what was working (and sometimes the only thing that was working) before. Last night we attempted to be intimate and it turned into an exhausting couple of hours of awkwardness and frustration. So we're working through it. We're both aware that we want intimacy, and we're getting there slowly.
OK, must get back to baby. Thank you Ellie, Wendy, Koshka, Slowly, Andy! I'll be back - obviously I need to be here more often. You guys are going to keep me in line.
Jennifer
P.S. Koshka, we talked about going through the R books and never did. We barely got them read. We never did any exercises together. Maybe we should break those out again in our spare 15 seconds a day! S. just went back to work, and I am covered under domestic partner benefits. I'm going to check to see if T is covered, because we decided to quit T for the time being, and though it was stressful and she didn't turn out to be so great in the end, we still need T, I think.
