Haven't updated in a long time - my hands have been full with the sweetest little bunny you've ever seen. The world has moved on without me, and I'm OK with that for now. I'm taking advantage of a rare afternoon nap to catch up here.
Things with S., predictably, aren't much better now that we have a baby. Somehow, though, we've learned to be a lot less nitpicky and hard-headed, though I still contend I'm doing better than he is in that department. He still flies off the handle and blames me for everything once in a while, the most recent egregious offense on my part being his parking ticket while out doing the grocery shopping for us (I wasn't there). But we are at least very civil to each other, if not much else.
Life with baby is amazing. I still can't believe I'm a mama, and every time I look at her smiling up at me, with her wide eyes and bright, sweet face, it brings me close to (or fully to) tears. It's hard, and I've been completely without any support to speak of - S. is good when he's here, but as he went back to work full-time Jan 2, it's hardly much help. My work has just fallen by the wayside, and I have no time for anything but baby. My e-mailing has dwindled to nothing (save an occasional 1-hand-pecked 2-liner) and my thank-you notes have gone unwritten for much longer than I'd like to admit.
I've been a little disappointed with my friends, and I'm having a hard time knowing what to do about it. One of my good friends, who lives about 10 blocks away (and in NYC that's pretty much next door), hasn't visited me since I was in the hospital. On the other hand, I realize that I didn't understand what it meant to have a baby until, oh, about 12 weeks and 2 days ago (but who's counting?). I am guilty of much of the same with my friends who had babies before me. But I am feeling rather isolated, and even if I do belong to three new mommies groups… it's the old companionship I crave.
As for my R, I've been slowly letting go. S. is mired deeply in his victim role, living out his “tragedy” that “tears him apart every day.” He loves the baby SO much, and he hates to leave her every day to go to work, but the tragedy in his eyes is our situation and the “affectionless” R we are in. I sense that he wants it to be better, and he tries (he really does), but any failure on his part (meaning something he tries that doesn't “work”) sends him back to his tragic tale of woe. Honestly, it makes me gag. I can only listen now, I'm having a hard time validating, though I do do it when I know I won't choke on my words or blurt out “Take some responsibility for your own life, damnit!”
And I find myself thinking about what it will (not would) be like to be liberated from it all, when I finally give up the ghost and wash my hands of it. I'm in this for our little girl, and I'm giving it every bit I have, but I can't help but think that one day the victim is going to get exactly what he keeps lamenting. A real tragedy: A broken family, every other Christmas, every other weekend, blah blah… in essence, what many of us on the BB are living against our will.
Do I sound like the WAW now? I don't want to shirk any of my own responsibility for what's going on, but I have to tell you, at the very least I am not dooming this R to failure every time something bad happens. To hear him tell it, we just don't understand each other and we never will. He says over and over “We just don't understand each other.” And as SD said, it sure sounds like he's pretty well invested in keeping it that way.
I snoop a lot less these days, mostly because I just don't care anymore. There's no contact with SM for months now, but recently S. wrote his other friends in Switz. (who would without a doubt report to SM on the contents of the e-mail) a whole recounting of the last year, playing himself as the ultimate victim. He didn't say anything bad about me, or that he asked me to terminate the pregnancy, but the way it was written sounded like the world was against him and he was just doing everything he could to struggle against the terrible things that happened to him left and right. And I was such a minor player. It was amusing, really.
Anyway, I guess this is my new thread, and when I get around to it, maybe I'll link up my old ones. For now, this will have to do! I wish I could post a pic of my beautiful angel for you all to see. I feel like she belongs in part to this community, because without it, she probably wouldn't be here. For that I am eternally grateful.
Any advice, commentary, or spoofs on any of the above is appreciated. Eventually, I'll get around to others' threads.
Eventually, I'll get around to others' threads.
