One of the things that has helped me detach is realizing tha what anyone does or doesn't do isn't a personal attack against me.
We all have emotional poison built up from our past experiences, buying into what people tell us we are, what we can do, etc. So we wind up with negative self images. The pain we feel in our hearts is the pain we inflict on the world.
I have come to realize that even though I thought I knew my H, how could I really know him? I saw him through my own eyes, based on my own ideals of who he should be, could be. I knew only *maybe* 10% of what was actually going on with him. He had so many ideas, so many issues that he wasn't even dealing with. So he has this emotional poison that is being inflicted on me, not because of who I am, but because of who he is. Realizing that has helped me to let go, just a little bit, of my pain. And realize that all of this horrible A has little to do with me and is just a symptom of the pain H has carried around for a long time.
sure, i could have done so many things on my end to work on the relationship but ultimately he had to open up his eyes to the truths of his own past and history and realize the trauma he is acting out.
H wanted to believe that he had no control over his feelings. And I get that. But at the same time, our feelings are honest, they allow us to follow the emotion to the lie that we tell ourselves to make us feel that way.
