Vince (and I can't help but thinking of Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers when I talk to you..lol),
I am having a hard time with this. I am starting to realize that being in the same house with my W DOES have an advantage when trying to detach. In your sitch, you are left to rampant speculation, and you're alone to do it most of the time. Those two things said, I now feel unqualified to give advice to you because I don't know how I would, or will, handle things if my W leaves the house but WTH, when has that ever stopped me before... So, here goes. I am really big on this detachment thing because I am now seeing it as a real life changing process. I now feel it is important to live a healthy life. To go through life with emotional attachments to anyone other than your kids or parents (and I may exclude them) sets us up for unhappiness. It is also important to take the term detachment as NYS put it, as simply NOT coupling your emotions/reactions/actions to someone else's. Nothing more, nothing less. Just don't uncontrollably react to someone else's emotions/actions/words. In your sitch, you are still hanging on every word she says. You are still obsessing over every every thing she does, trying to figure out what it may mean or not. It is natural. I do it, Tim does it, Frank does it, we all do it. I feel funny right now because for the past day and a half (NO TIME AT ALL) I have felt detached and at the same time, more loving towards my wife than ever. I feel that way because I have had to finally admit to myself that I am going to have to make me happy since nobody else is right now, and that is REALLY scary since I have not had to really ever do that before. I don't really know how. What I do know now is that my W is making me sad/angry/hurt but it's only because I personalize her actions and hang on every word she says. I still love my W more that she'll ever know, as I'm sure you do. I fear that by feeling this way, detached, that I will not be able to let her know that. Well, know what, actions speak louder than words and if we can be lovingly detached, we can be there for our W's in a way we probably never were before. We can tend to their emotional needs (or someone we meet later in life) because we are not pulled down by them. I hope this applies to you and it was not just a way for me to spout this stuff again. It really seems to be the missing link in most of us. It is what our WAS did to us really, detached, except they did it out of fear and mistrust instead of love and determination to improve themselves. Please, try to help YOU. Are you seeing a C on your own? If not, I strongly recommend it because in light of your W not really being a full participant in the MC process, you will need to just move forward with Vince's work and hope at some point she can re-join you.
