You are doing what I do trying to guess what is going on! It drives me crazy not knowing then my mind convinces me that everything is wrong and then I react with emmotions. STOP! Easier said than done but use this opportunity with the MC to really gauge things, and set some real goals with the MC. I believe you are on the right path! Take a moment and read my recent post if you can. Thanx
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I told her the only way I would allow her to get own Apt (me take over 100% of bills when we are a two income household) was for her to commit to 5 MC sessions...I think she is trying to disguise the reason for her leaving as not Om but all because of me and my controling nature...and that is just not fair..
The above does seem very controlling, no? "the the only way you'd allow her to get own Apt"... smacks of "my way or the highway" and that it's up to you what's "allowed" or not.
And, since when is "fair" a part of real life anyway, you know? Ah, I'm sure you have an answer for that, but I gotta go, and we'll speak about "fairness" another time if you like.
now I'm not saying that I feel that I have no responsibility in this but to say that it was my fault that W had A...give me a break.
You know the A is not of your doing, and you know that the most you did was influence your wife to be unhappy. But then, she's influenced you too, you know.
I will always have that controling nature
What is it about it being "nature"???? It's not a "nature", it's learned behavior you've both adopted into your life, Vince and Tim. You can change that.
Now that you know that bit about yourselves and seen how it's damaged your relationships, wouldn't you want to root that problem behavior out and not resign yourselves to a life time of repeating those behaviors?
Besides, you're wasting your efforts if you think your relationship is going to heal, because the same issues that created the break before, if they're still there, will drive her away again, and next time - it will be forever!
The above does seem very controlling, no? "the the only way you'd allow her to get own Apt"... smacks of "my way or the highway" and that it's up to you what's "allowed" or not
That was controling. That was also the old Vince. The new Vince is working on "learning" not to be controling. I have made huge progress...some W has seen and some that she has not, like when she is over at OM house or he is at her apt night of MC...she has no idea I even know bout this and it takes every amount of energy to not blow up on her like the old Vince would. We go to MC on her time table not mine...I do not call nor do I write to keep top of mind (control) with her.
Besides, you're wasting your efforts if you think your relationship is going to heal, because the same issues that created the break before, if they're still there, will drive her away again, and next time - it will be forever!
Again, you are right...I am changing (as seen above)and I can feel it and I like it...It does not come easy, but with enough effort it will. I need this for myself no matter who I'm in a relationship with.
Again, you are right...I am changing (as seen above)and I can feel it and I like it...It does not come easy, but with enough effort it will. I need this for myself no matter who I'm in a relationship with.
I am glad that you see this yourself because after reading NYS post to you I was going to add this to his post. Part of the DB process is to move forward with your life, address the issues inside you so that you can be better prepared if a)spouse does return or b)you move forward and have a new realtionship.
Take it further...unless these issues are realized and addressed and worked on, the cycle will only continue on with whomever is in your life. However, your W also has issues that she needs to deal with, instead of working on these she has chosen to move forward with someone else, simply avoiding them in hopes that if you ignore it, that it will go away. Let me assure you that they will not unless the problems are faced head on. Example: my exH was controlling...I left him, vowed to never be with another controlling person in my life...met Dave, he was passive aggresive, he was not controlling but again not a healthy R for me to be in...he was also an alcholic. So while I went from one to another, there was still an issue with me...I was a Conflict Avoider. My issue didn't work in either relationship and it will never work until I can work through this. It's going to take some time and if there is someone in my life it will have to be someone willing to help guide me through this...it's not easy. For me, it will take someone who will be patient while I learn how to express my thoughts and feelings. I will have to learn how to do this, while taking the other persons feelings into consideration. Also, I have to trust this person that if they do not like what they hear they will not leave me, they will not have an A, they will not hit me, humiliate me or back me into a corner...they will be respectful. It's tough babe...let me tell you it scares the you know what out of me but I have to do this.
I don't even think I like W anymore...not saying that I don't have love for her deep down...but as a person...not very attractive at all.
I never heard from W throughout the whole funeral week last week...not since I called her in weakness the eve I found out my GF died and we both cried have I talked to her...even though she had said in MC that she wanted more comm outside of sessions...none. What kind of person does not even call and just chedk to see how I was doing? Not a very good person that I want to be around, especially be a possible mother of my children some day.
I just cant believe W would mess everything up that we had going for us...I'm telling you we had some fun together...we were like the couple everyone wanted to be...successful, attractive, dedicated to love one other through thick and thin...I guess she forgot about the commitment part.
So W goes to her home town on Friday for the weekend, about hour and half away...I'm thinking well that is good because I know she wont be with OM at parents house...(that would look too bad, she has to keep up the charade with family that she is working on M) so she drives an hour and half to her apt tonight and what happens...she gets in her car and drives another 30 min to OM house...I'm sureshe missed the Om that is not a "factor"...Boy, I can't wait till Wed...
Some might say, what are you waiting for if you're pulling the plug...well first only pulling the plug if she refuses to stop seeing OM...but second, I want the opportunity to get some answers in the MC that if I start waves right now she will never go to MC. Plus I like the controlled atmosphere...its not like she can just hang up if I ask her a tough question.
Ok, update on the meds (Zoloft)...three days now...when I first found out about her going over to OM tonight...I got a little hot, well more than a little...but then about 10 minutes later it kinda went away...don't know if it is me detaching or the meds...but like I said before...W is starting to look pretty foolish in my eyes...kinda comical.
Oh, heard a good one at church today...Jesus said: "A divided house can not stand"... the pastor goes on to say that "If your heart is divided your heart will never be whole" Pretty fitting huh? I will probabily use that on Wed.
Quote: Does anyone else ever feel they are just in a bad dream??
Vince, truly, every day I wake up I think the past month was a horrible dream. I mean that, and it is why my mornings are usually the worst time of the day because I re-expreience the loss. It's like the Devil's Groundhog Day!
Oh, heard a good one at church today...Jesus said: "A divided house can not stand"... the pastor goes on to say that "If your heart is divided your heart will never be whole" Pretty fitting huh? I will probabily use that on Wed.
How appropriate of a quote! Do you think it is a little pushy if I put on the bathroom mirror in my W's bathroom!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Update: First...been a couple of days and yes I'm still alive and reading bb everyday, keeping up with everybody.
Interesting point of interest...as I last posted on Sunday...W was heading to OM house after a long road trip from home town...she stayed until about 10:45 and went back to her apt...another 30min drive...very interesting...did they have a fight and she left to go back to her place? why would she not stay the night...she always has in the past?
Second...W calls me on Monday and I send it to VM...she says that she was just calling to confirm MC appt on Wed and to make sure that time was OK with me and to see how I was doing with GF death and just to chat....wow! To chat? That's new...she also was asking me if that time worked for MC versus telling when she would be avail. I returned the call later that day and got her VM...Then....
I was shocked...she changed her cell phone VM to say her first and last name (my last name)...she hasn't done that since we were first married...for about the past year she had just had her first name on VM...I know, you are all saying that I'm rading too much into this and you are all probabily right...but here is what I see the signifigance...I think she could have changed it for my benefit OR she could have changed it for OM benefit as to remind him who she is or maybe to remind herself who she is...I know that she must have changed it within the past week and if you were so cheked out of the marriage would you accent your last name on personal cell phone (not work) and our last name is not an easy as Smith either to say...Does anyone think there is anything to this or am I just hopefully reading into my sitch hoping for a high on my roller coaster ride from h$ll.
In my hardened, jaded opinion, these are the type of little things that we don't know how many reasons may be behind them, or what those reasons are. I favor looking at the big picture instead of these details. To me, the most telling thing, no matter what my ex may send my way, is where she chooses to sleep tonight, you know what I mean?
