Just wanted to add that you know my sitch: it's very similar to yours from the opposite POV. My H has hurt me *a lot* over the years, yet I would still have him back if he really did make the necessary changes (i.e. stop drinking, treat me with respect). No, there's no one else in my life, but I don't want anyone else right now. My point is that even in your sitch, it is possible that your W will want to be with you again. Of course, I don't know that for sure-probably even she doesn't-but I just want to point out how it is from the other side.
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Quote: Just wanted to add that you know my sitch: it's very similar to yours from the opposite POV. My H has hurt me *a lot* over the years, yet I would still have him back if he really did make the necessary changes (i.e. stop drinking, treat me with respect).
But WHY Nicola? WHY? WHY would you want him back? Because he left you?
What if you had left him? Would you still take him back if he changed then? WHY?
Why would anyone do something like that? Why would my soon to be EX wife? She's HAPPY without ME. She's UNHAPPY with ME. OM isn't going to go away and even if he does, she's HAPPY without ME. It doesn't get any simpler than that.
I have a book to talk about, but first - what have you done to stop drinking? Are you in AA? What makes you strong? You don't sound strong right now. That is bad for you and no one else. All she knows is what she sees. If she sees you as weak and in fear mode right now, guess what - to her you are. And right now you are sounding like that. I'm not trying to beat you down. I'm saying you sound like you are doing a fair job of that on your own now. I read all your reasons you don't deserve her or that she should be with someone else. I am not reading what you are doing to walk the walk. Frank do you want her back? Do you have the strength and patience to make this happen. Do you know how much it is going to take? More than three months. Do you see threads here from people that have been at it two to five years? Some have been D already and are still working at it. Some of them are in the reconciling and success mode.
Almost all of DB is about gaining back lost strength, regaining your lost PMA. That is what you need to be thinking about and writing about. That has to come first before she can see you walking the walk. She doesn't expect to find someone better. She is wanting to spend some time with someone different. What makes you think she already knows him so well that she could love him as long as she loved you, and in spite of all those crimes you say she toleratd from you?
There is a book "In the Meantime" by Vanzant that will tell you what is going through her mind right now. It will tell you what she is going to have to do to pass through this transition in her life. It will also give you an understanding of why you should be in IC and working on your own self growth, while you are both in the meantime. When she comes out of the transition she will be somebody new, and she will be ready to comit to an unconditional love. I think she has a history of unconditional love with you Frank and she will be looking to see where you are, and how you are. You need to be there and be the strong person she can come home to.
It is too soon for you to be deciding to throw in the towel. It is time for you to decide to focus on Frank and detach from the rest of this. There are other books that explain life transitions, and communications between the sexes. If you are serious about it being time for Frank to move on to someone else, I would ask which Frank you want someone else to get to know. I think it should be the one that has taken time to get to know himself and improve himself so the next R will be the best one possible for both people. That is not three months. Give yourself some time and stay involved with this board for yourself. You may be surprised at the results.
