Had meeting with Counselor today. I really needed it and it was good for me.
Now remember, a lot of our talks are theoretical so they seem a little weird but it's a study in humnan nature.
As always I will debrief myself.
I told her how hard it has been lately, and how not only have I had to pull myself out of the depression I was in that W couldn't pull me out of, not only did I have to stop drinking and beat my addiction to alcohol, but I also had to deal with the emotional pain of being 'divorced', of there being an OM that triggered all this that my W is 'in love' with, of keeping the family 'together' and sane while W was in her clouds and totally not there and also do all this during the holiday season.
I'm tired. C said "It was all you could do just to pull yourself up and get to 'normal' again". "But you did it, and I think you're about 10% above 'normal' and you should be proud that you did it all yourself."
It has been hard. I cried a bit because I knew that, well, she is right. I did it by myself and in the worst possible circumstances. 3 months of hell. Now I can finally mourn the loss of the marriage. Take a break from 'saving everybody' and just take care of me.
We talked about detaching and how I still feel needy, like I 'need' her and I would like to stop that feeling, and just 'want' her. So she went through an exercise that really helped me to put 'detaching' into a perspective that I can understand.
C: Can you think of a woman that you ever had a relationship with but later on were friends?
Me: When I was a freshman in college, I dated a girl named Kim for about a year. Two years later she was dating a house mate of mine and I saw her all the time because she came over the house. We didn't have any 'bad feelings' between us from 2 years before so it was easy to see her around the house.
C: How did you treat her?
Me: Well, if I saw her I'd say 'hi' and maybe talk about something for a couple minutes since we had school in common but for the most part she was just 'there'. Talking to her was very comfortable, she was a friend. But I didn't hang out with her.
C: Why was it easy to talk to her?
Me: (thinking a moment) Because I didn't want anything from her. I didn't want HER.
C: And I bet that's true of other women you know or have known that you didn't have or want intimate relationships with. You don't really pay 'attention' to them, they are just 'there' until your paths cross. And then you talk about whatever topic is on your minds till there's nothing else to say and you move on. Something like that. You have no attachment to them or expectations.
C: You need to decide that right now, there is no place for her in your heart. She has forfeited her privileges and her relationship by breaking the promises that you made to each other. That doesn't mean you don't care. It doesn't mean you don't give love. It means you don't let HER fill that space right now because she can't, won't and doesn't deserve it.
C: Just like any other female friend, you have no FUTURE with her. Just the present. Live in the present and just don't project into any time beyond it. Don't make assumptions.
C: Withold access to yourself from her. She can look but she can't touch. Letting her do the 'flirty' things she's been doing sometimes , and they ARE flirting, is allowing her access to YOU and proving to herself that she still has you there. But she forfeited that access so don't make yourself available. When you told her on the campout that playfully punching you was a 'privilege', and you also told her that she shouldn't assume you'll go camping with her ever again, you took away (or threatened to) two privileges.
C: Since we often want what we can't have, like she 'wants' OM because she can't have him. She will 'want' to have access to you, the way it has always been, because you have been giving it to her and she will have to come to you to get it. She doesn't want to give up you, the family stability OR the excitement of the OM.
I liked that explanation and discussion of setting our boundaries as a way of actually becoming more 'attractive' to WAW.
We talked about the 'business opportunity' W has. She already knew what I would do because it was the right thing to do, and it was anticlimatic. She did say that deciding that even though it was a 'risk' to ME and doing it anyway was a big step for me.
Her comment was "At some point she will realize that YOU gave her this gift, and you would have given it to her while in the marriage". She needed to only stop feeling responsible for YOU and live her life. She will figure it out eventually".
I mentioned the camping weekend and she was very positive that she was 'uncomfortable' at nite looking at the stars BECAUSE it was romantic and she was with me. And the two times I told her 'no' as in 'no, I may not go camping with you again' and 'no, you can't play punch me - that is a privilege'. She can't think that everything will still be the same forever, she is getting a divorce, remember?
The Sunday nite stuff when I returned and W said she was upset to catch D15 making out because 'I'm not getting any' and the fact that I told her "What you are doing STILL hurts me" was a good reminder to her that all is NOT good here.
And, the photos. I explained that after this 'exchange' I left the house and didn't come back till later. That while I was gone W had e-mailed me the photos of her I had taken to 'help her' pick out the one that was 'right' for her web site. Her first comment was 'That's interesting, since when you left she knew you were mad and she wanted to reconnect to you but was afraid to approach you, and this was a way to do it. Why didn't she either wait till tomorrow or just ask OM? Because she TRUSTS you and was testing to see if you were emotionally gone now.
I read her what I had said to W in the e-mail about the pictures, the kind and loving words I used to describe each one. SHe just looked at me and said "That was wonderful. I wonder what OM will say to her about them? I bet it won't come from the heart like you did." W will compare.
Then she said " I wonder what would have happened if you had said 'go ask OM' instead of replying to her?" Just a thought.
We talked about people like OM, how I just can't fathom that there are people who screw with your emotions. How Spitfire spent about 1/2 hour explaining to me about the whole sub-culture of people who do this. I can totaly comprehend it in a business setting, it's screwing with emotions that boggles my mind.
She said: There are people who live wholly in the dark side of life energy. They are 'takers' or 'predators'. They live for the excitment that exists when you START something, either relationships, businesses, whatever. They can suck a lot of energy from people while they are doing that. But, they really don't DO much, it just looks like they are. They are taking energy from others. When things slow down and there are commitments to be made to a relationship, a business or whatever they were getting their high from, they bail out.
OM has lived with, or off of, his girlfriends, been married 2 times, is in a new business startup that he was really 'excited' about in November when writing to W, and now he calls it a 'hell hole' he wants to leave and it hasn't even OPENED yet. It's actually 'work' now. The 'newness and excitment' of her 'in love' energy is attractive to him. Remember, he 'saw the hurt in her eyes' and that's why he was attracted to her. He basically TOLD her he picked a vulnerable woman and she doesn't get it!
C thinks that it may take a couple visits with him for W to see the incongruities, and he may not hang around long enough because he needs that positive energy high NOW. That may be why he dropped off calling her for several days. Then when she was backing off he came right back in because...it created a level of excitement again! It all seems weird to me, but it sounds possible. But, he did stay with his last Girlfried for 3 years so it is plausible he can string W along for a year or two if she stays stupid. But, W is seeing Counselor and she will guide her to see the truth behind this guy, behind our marriage and her life, as long as she keeps going. That could help shorten this affair. C still thinks he won't hook up with W in February but it's anybodys guess what is really going on.
And, W will notice that it's ME who is actually helping her to achieve her dreams. It's me who is stable. And I've changed my life.
So that's my weird story for today. I'm going to detach and set some 'flirting' bounadaries to catch her off guard. We'll see what happens.
I want her but I won't NEED her and I DON'T NEED her. I was quite fine before her and I'll be quite fine after her. I can't control her at all, I can only control myself. I am no longer 'there' for her all the time. Eventually the hurt will fade. And I'll be a better man for it all.
