When I was about 10 years old, till I was 17, I lived with my Grandmother, Grandfather and my Dad plus his younger brother. This was in between Marriage #2 and #3. GM was crippled from a stroke she had years earlier and was an angry bitter woman. The right side of her body was paralyzed and she could walk but talking was hard.
Since I was not allowed to leave the house after I got home from school or on weekends I was always around her. Whatever she needed I did for her. If she got mad she'd hit me with her wooden cane sometimes (even though she was weak, it could hurt if I was off guard). Mostly she would just complain to my dad every day about what a 'bad kid' I was. I never knew WHAT it was I was doing that was bad. It just was.
During this time in my life I felt pretty hopeless but I also developed a 'knack' for doing a few things:
1) I KNEW what GM was thinking BEFORE she thought it. I don't know how, I just did. It kept me one step ahead of her so I could survive and be 'good' by helping her when she wanted something. I still got yelled at and told what a loser I was but at least it was with less frequency.
2) Her stroke made her speech very hard to understand but I UNDERSTOOD what she was saying ALL THE TIME because I was so tuned in to her. SOmetimes when she was trying to talk to someone and the weren't getting what she was saying I would blurt it out. Even though it relieved her frustration I still got dirty looks or told to shut up.
3) I eventually came to 'know' how to tell what was wrong with her when she was sick or feeling weak. But I couldn't 'say' it because I was just that 'bad kid who should shut up' so I would say something stupid, so I could get yelled at, so I could then say 'well I guess I was wrong and it's really...' and they would 'hear' me tell them what I knew was really wrong.
4) I read everything I could get my hands on. I had so much time since I also wasn't allowed to watch tv unless someone else was wathcing tv first. I pretty much read every book in the library on various sciences, sci-fi stories, anything.
So, you see, I learned to give of myself and NEVER expect anything in return. And to give till there was nothing left to give. Most of all to never expect that ANYONE would give to me when I needed help. No boundaries.
Also, I learned all that I could about everything and became so much more knowledgable than my entire family about many things and able to solve very complex problems. They were all blue collar workers and were a little afraid of me, or intimidated. not sure which.
But, this event was the turning point in my life:
When I was 17 my dad got remarried. I went to live with him and his wife and prettymuch NEVER went to visit GM. I just didn't want to. Then I went to college and my freshman year I came home (dad's house) for xmas break and she got sick and died. I was devastated and I didn't know WHY. I thought I hated her, I could care less what happened to her.
But, it was something else. If you remember in the movie 'Superman' Clarks dad dies from a heart attack and later he says "I have all these powers, and I couldn't even save him". For me it was the fact that I BELIEVED I was all powerful in her life, her life DEPENDED on me, and if I had BEEN THERE then I, the 'super genious' the one who is responsible because of my abilities to see things and do things, I, could have saved her. I would have recognized the symptoms she had. I was superman and I had failed her and she was dead and it was my fault.
For the rest of my life I had a lot of trouble NOT helping people who needed me. Even people who I SHOULDN'T help. And that's part of how I 'fell down'. I absorbed too much from too many people for too long and left the world. And because I never expected anyone to help me I stayed there and W was a person I had chosen who was incapable of helping me.
Now I'm helping myself again, because the 'trigger' that makes me become my 'survivor' self has been pushed.
Well, that's my story. I hope it resonates with others. I think it's our pasts that have shaped our present, and gotten us where we are right now.
