Even after OM doesn't work out she will have the experience of knowing she can get 'good feelings' from someone other than me. Why would she come back? Why?

Hopwfully, with time, she will realize she can be happy and independent on her own, with out being dependent on someone else for her happiness. She was dependent on you for her happiness... she is dependent on OM for her happiness. But at the same time, she is begining to do things that interest her, that make her happy. With time, she will probably realize it is up to her, and her alone, to make herself happy. Not you. Not OM. If she comes back, it will be b/c she knows she can maintain her independence, her new-found identity and while in a relationship with you. She will come back b/c she values her family, stability, a shared life together, etc.

Or, from another perspective: I know I could go out right now and "feed my ego" by getting involved with someone else. I know there are OM out there who can give me the same "feel good" feelings that my H gives me when he is sober. Will I do it? No. I see that would just be distracting me from focusing on taking care of myself right now, on finding those things that make me feel good about myself. Maybe with time I will begin to date if I feel H and I are not working out and I feel ready to move on with my life w/o him in it. If, after I were to do that, my H starts to demonstrate interest in salvaging our R, making healthy changes in himself. I would probably wait him out awhile, continue on with my life, see if H changes are genuine. In time, if I determined they were genuine changes, I know the pull of of family, shared history, lives built together would/will be very strong.... don't underestimate it.


That makes me feel hurt and awful. Add in the 'affair', which she doesn't see as one but as a 'relationship' due to her 'divorcing' me, and I get totally beat emotionally.

My H has said the same thing about continuing his A since the relevation. Says he told me its over between us, so he feels no guilt in continuing with the OW. It's not an A since we're not together, blah, blah, blah. It use to hurt me too, until I decided not to personalize it. I choose to look at his actions, instead of his words. He's still in the house, we still do things together as a family, we still have decent conversations alone. His interactions with OW are confined to fairly secretive phone calls at this point. Again, look at ACTIONS, ACTIONS, ACTIONS, not words.

Ok, the biggest problem I have is all his promises to move here, to do things she wants to do, that he is 'totally in love'. These things seem so sincere to me because I project my values onto them.

Again, here you have words, just words, and NO ACTIONS. And yes, you are projecting your values onto a man who clearly has very low values (getting involved with a married woman.....). The are only sincere if you value them. I don't know that you can say OM places much value on the promises he makes.


She can just stay 'single' and never have to risk me being a 'problem' again.

Sure, she can stay "single". That is her choice and you will have to prepare youself for that possibility. However, it is also quite possible that she will begin to realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side, the "problems" of being single; more financial instability (which eats into a lot of that "independence, lol!), less access to the kids, a lot of 'alone" downtime... and gee, with Frank making all these postive changes, turning back into the Frank she fell in love with... maybe the "problems" you represent no longer exist, or won't look so bad anymore.

Hope this helps. Glad you appreciate the insight.

PF

PetiteFlower Quote: Follow Your Bliss ~Joseph Campbell