Quote: I don't think you can begrudge her that. It's awful taxing emotionally to feel responsiable for another's happiness for that length of time. If she reconnects to that hurt, it's only to remind herself that she nevers wants to be back in that lonely place again.
I hope you understand that I don't begrudge her that. I want her to be happy. I have a lot of remorse for losing myself and not taking care of her.
Quote: I would say you are looking at more of a 6-12 month time frame- if your changes stick and you truly detach. You can get through it, but you have to be patient if you truly want to change and have a better R with W. Realize you are on her timetable now, not yours.
Since she has decided she WILL be divorced I have the hardest time thinking she will ever change her mind. I mean why would she want to go back once again even after 6 months to 1 year? Even after OM doesn't work out she will have the experience of knowing she can get 'good feelings' from someone other than me. Why would she come back? Why?
That makes me feel hurt and awful. Add in the 'affair', which she doesn't see as one but as a 'relationship' due to her 'divorcing' me, and I get totally beat emotionally.
Quote: As for the OM- From what you have described, it clearly will not last. He is just a symptom of her unhappiness with the past. Right now, anything probably looks better to her than what she went through with you.
Ok, the biggest problem I have is all his promises to move here, to do things she wants to do, that he is 'totally in love'. These things seem so sincere to me because I project my values onto them.
Quote: Once she gains more confidence with you, I am sure he will drop out of the picture, and, with more time, she will begin to believe in a R and a future with you in it.
But why would she believe in me again? She can just stay 'single' and never have to risk me being a 'problem' again.
Quote: She is not involved with OM to hurt you; realize just as much as this is "your" journey back into a healthy R, this is "her" journey to re-forming an identity for herself. She just can't be there for you right now, no matter how much you want her to be. If she gave up on her needs now, she would only resent you and become even more unhappy, and perhaps even leave, no matter the consequences.
I know this to be true but I have difficulty right now internalizing it.
Quote: Anyways, I hope I didn't come off to harsh. Just sounds like you need some firm words today instead some touchy-feely stuff...
I do need that immensely! I hope you feel free to be this way any time. And hearing your 'alcoholics wife' perspective was a real gift.
