Not having to 'feel responsible' for my feelings, depression or anything about me is very 'freeing' for her. And she often reconnects with the hurts she felt and that makes her feel better too.
I have told you my situation with my alcoholic H, and you, having persepective from that side of the aisle, have given me wonderful feedback on what my H may be thinking, how to handle him, etc. Let me give you a little perspective now on what W may be thinking...
For 3 years (or was it 5?) you said you would lose yourself to drinking. From what it sounds, your W, like myself, felt for those 3-5 years that she was responsiable for how you were feeling, at the expense of herself and her happiness. She felt controlled by your drinking. That's an awfully long time to feel like that and silently suffer alone.
It sounds that at some point she realized she is not responsiable for your happiness; that she is only responsiable for her own. It sounds like she started thinking about activites which would make her happy (lomi message, going into busiess for herself). It's the whole detaching process that is advocated for family members of alcoholics. It sounds like she took it to heart and started to detach herself from your unhappiness. She began to gain confidence and self-esteem.
I can relate, b/c, in begining that process now, it is very freeing for me as well.
I don't think you can begrudge her that. It's awful taxing emotionally to feel responsiable for another's happiness for that length of time. If she reconnects to that hurt, it's only to remind herself that she nevers wants to be back in that lonely place again.
You have said she doubts your changes are real. You have to give her more time to gain trust in you again, to believe you aren't going to regress, that she won't be put back into a situation in which she was so unhappy, for so long. She was unhappy for 3-5 years. If she was feeling like she as for that long,you can't expect that she will just automatically believe in you and trust your changes are genuine in 3 months time. I would say you are looking at more of a 6-12 month time frame- if your changes stick and you truly detach. You can get through it, but you have to be patient if you truly want to change and have a better R with W. Realize you are on her timetable now, not yours.
As for the OM- From what you have described, it clearly will not last. He is just a symptom of her unhappiness with the past. Right now, anything probably looks better to her than what she went through with you. Once she gains more confidence with you, I am sure he will drop out of the picture, and, with more time, she will begin to believe in a R and a future with you in it. She is not involved with OM to hurt you; realize just as much as this is "your" journey back into a healthy R, this is "her" journey to re-forming an identity for herself. She just can't be there for you right now, no matter how much you want her to be. If she gave up on her needs now, she would only resent you and become even more unhappy, and perhaps even leave, no matter the consequences.
In think you have gotten some good advice from TMU regarding detaching, so I won't touch more on whether or not feign indifference. But I would try to rememeber she has told you that when you did show indifference in the past, it hurt her. She is clearly telling you something. If you feign indifference now, is it to benefit the R, or to benefit you? And if you are doing it to protect yourself, that implies you are putting up walls, which is an inherent block to any relationship recovery in process.
I really do think it would do a world of good if you stopped obsessing about the R with the OM. I am begining to do that, and honestly, I feel a whole lot better, not only about myself, but about my opinion of my H as well. I see our interactions for what they are, and not veiled by thoughts/assumptions/suspicions about the A...
Anyways, I hope I didn't come off to harsh. Just sounds like you need some firm words today instead some touchy-feely stuff...
Let us know whay you decide to do.
PetiteFlower
PetiteFlower
Quote: Follow Your Bliss
~Joseph Campbell
