Just finished a short talk with my friend Bryan who has been a really positive coach. He reminded me that some of the things I was feeling and doing on the campout were 'old' Frank, and that it was a backslide. Needy, anxious, fearful, that's probably why I feel so bad today.
And this exchange we had is starting to freak me out because it seems like she is so GLAD she doesn't have to really care about my feelings any more:
Quote: I said "I'm sorry if I'm being a little down or depressing, I hope you aren't feeling uncomfortable."
She says: "That's one of your problems, you worry about what other people are thinking and get your self esteem that way". I said: "I'm sorry I am just trying to clear things so you don't think I have any issues with you today, I'm just in the place I'm at'
She says: "I understand, I used to have to fix you all the time but now that I'm not married to it, it doesn't bother me".
I know I have to focus on the positive. I think I REALLY am so freaked out because early last week I was SURE W and OM's long distance relationship was over because SHE thought it was. She recognized that 'the relationship' was filling the 'empty spot' in her that she should be filling herself. It seemed like she was really realizing that she had a lot of work to do on herself. And maybe she knew that she shouldn't 'use' OM to fill that space.
Him coming back into communications with her after a couple weeks of sporadic e-mails and calls, and refilling her 'empty spot' and reassuring her he was going to come out here to live totally blew my confidence. Especially since she WANTS it so bad. She keeps giving him so much slack.
These are my fears. They are unreasonable because whatever SHE and OM do is not aimed at ME and it's not about ME it's about HER and how she deals with her emotional emptiness and need for a man to validate her. She even KNOWS this but she wants everything he says to be TRUE and I'm scared that it IS TRUE.
I gotta let her go. It's so F*king hard. I am paralyzed right now with anxiety and fears.
And I KNOW, I KNOW that when I DO let her go THAT is when she will want to try again. Because THAT is my problem, I was leaning on her for too much support while I was down.
But how the hell do you do it? How do you let go and keep hope alive?
And my options seem so contradictory. On the one hand be outgoing and playful when the opportunity arises. On the other hand detach emotionally so you won't get hurt. How?
I need to get out of here. My life is crazy now and I can't do anything about it.
