Just got back from a massage from W's friend who was going to be her partner in the Lomi Massage biz till OM showed up. I see her every monday, we talk for about an hour about my sitch, and then I get a massage which helps me get set for the week. She hasn't talked to W in weeks. I think W avoids her because she doesn't really want to hear what she has to say because she was very clear she thinks OM is bad news and W is wrong to pursue him.
Anyway, told her about the 'you hurt me' comment I made and the loving comments I sent her in the 'photos' e-mail a couple hours later. She said "That was a beautiful thing you did, even though she had hurt you and you told her, you still found it in your heart to show her unconditional love." Her opinion is that W could not HELP but notice, and had to feel even more guilty for hurting me and confused about who the heck is this Frank I see?
I was talking to her about some of the things W had done in the past weeks that weren't hurting me. Things I described as 'playful'. For example, W jokingly, and for no apparent reason, threw her sweatshirt over my head as she was walking by me while I was watching TV one nite. Another nite she was lying back on the couch with her feet on the coffee table and said 'am I in your way?', I said 'no, I can walk around' and she said 'I can move' I said 'If I need to I can always step over you' and I did step over her, facing her. She then made a 'mock' complaint and I stepped over her again and SAT on her lap (she is lying down) and she reaches up and tickles me.
I was kind of surprised so I stood up and got off her and laughed. I think I also have mentioned that she will jokingly punch me in the arm when she doesn't like something I say. There are other little things that happen SOMETIMES.
So, I tell the 'friend' that I am going back to withdrawal mode because I'm hurt and I need to detach, which is not happening when I see her all the time. 'friend' says that I should not do that, and that I should be taking advantage of the 'playful' moments when they happen and take them a little farther and see what she does. She says if you are playful with a woman, they will feel good to be around you and they just like that in a man. She also pointed out that in our old relationship that was really missing the past few years. Another change for W to see.
She suggested I make sure I do have the same amount of contact, not less, because she thinks that withdrawing looks like an 'old behavior' where I used to go be by myself all the time. It's a delicate balance figuring out which is best - withdraw / detach -or- contact / playfulness.
Counselor had said let HER come into MY personal space but don't enter HER personal space. Maybe she meant that I could not initiate, but once contact is initiated I can follow through as long as I observe boundaries.
Who else is having these 'playful' experiences? What do you do? What does everyone else think?
One thing that is very difficult for me is not thinking about OM. 'friend' said again that she thinks OM has nothing real in his life, she thinks he has more than one woman he is 'playing with'. She had met him in Hawaii and just doesn't like the feelings she got when she saw him looking around at the other women there. She also pointed out that if W was really 'done' she wouldn't talk to me nicely, but would be coordial and business like. Spitfire also said this to me last nite.
One other thing. Massage friend said she didn't have so many muscles to release today, and that even though I told her about my bad weekend she felt me being stronger than last week. Surprising.
I know it all comes down to one thing: Being able to not let HER feelings and actions influence MY feelings. I know, I know, I know. Lovingly Detach, not avoid. I am trying so hard to do that but I'm also still needy which I have to get over.
