ok, here is my long story. It isn't really good but I learned something. I really do need to let go, give up, something. It's killing me because I am fighting the depression and losing W to OM and huge projects all at the same time.
Anyway, I'd like comments if you have em. But please don't give me 'rah rah rah! go team go!' comments. Just keep it real, ok? Thanks
We went camping at a nearby campground by the beach. I rented a tent trailer so we'd be more comfortable. After I came home Saturday afternoon and packed everything all up W came home. She was on her cell and I could tell it was OM. She was talking to him about what it took for her to get a massage license around here. I only caught a few sentences but I figured it was so he'd know what he'd have to do if he was coming. Anyway her 'happy' tone of voice and the topic hit me hard. Here we were planning a 'family' trip and she's getting her fix from OM, and that's really why she's happy as we drive to the campgrounds.
She has this way she talks - like she's in a little cloud - when she's 'up' on OM fixes.
So, I'm sorry to say but I feel like crap the rest of the day.
I talk to her along the way about her business ideas and how can she make it, what kind of competition is there around here for clients and stuff like that. She say's she expects it to take her 3-6 months to get to the income level she thinks she needs. That you have to really put yourself out there and work at it. So, this gives me some comfort level that it won't be easy for OM to come here and make $$ and she will barely make it but I do wish her luck. I help her go through a few scenarios and what the Upside and Downside's are. And I say that she's got a great situation because she can do this while we're still in our current living situation. She agrees that that is the only reason she CAN try this.
So, I look at her and smile and say "In your whole life Lorri, you'll never have another friend like me". She won't either. Who else would do this?
Anyway, it's all I can do right now to not come across as depressed but I AM depressed. I'm still not over the call I overheard. It is a trigger for me. I also have been frozen in hurt and fear the past few days so I am way behind in some of my projects.
We set up our camp (it was sunset), and I put on a cheery face and didn't get mad over anything. Overall we had a pleasant time making dinner and eating.
Then we all walked to the beach. Beautiful starry nite and D15's Boyfriend was with us so they were hugging and looking at the stars. W and I stood next to each other and talked about nothing really. I could see she was uncomfortable and so was I. She walked away for a few minutes. Then I went and joined her and the kids. We walked back to the campground to make "s'mores" on the fire.
I knew she could tell I was depressed but trying hard, so I though I would talk to her about some things. I basically told her that I was having trouble with some of my projects and they were weighing heavy on my mind. She said that maybe taking time to camp wasn't the best idea if I needed work time and I said "This is ALWAYS more important...time with the family."
Anyway, I was so down. Even though we talked and joked some she still had that 'in a cloud' voice and attitude. I've known her for 20 years, I can tell when she's "here". And I know she could feel my pain, but she didn't really seem to care.
I went for a walk alone around the campground so I could find a quiet place to cry, and I did. When we got into our spots for bedtime in the camper we were all joking and laughing and making fun of each other so it was very nice. At one point W and D15, who were sleeping together, were jokingly pushing each other around and I said "don't make me come over there!" and of course I had to and 'keep them apart' which was funny and fun. So it wasn't a total depression.
I didn't sleep at all. I usually can sleep but I hurt so much.
Today we got up and I was a little cranky till I got my coffee. I was feeling VERY uncomfortable and I spoke to W when we were alone. I said "I'm sorry if I'm being a little down or depressing, I hope you aren't feeling uncomfortable."
She says: "That's one of your problems, you worry about what other people are thinking and get your self esteem that way". I said: "I'm sorry I am just trying to clear things so you don't think I have any issues with you today, I'm just in the place I'm at'
She says: "I understand, I used to have to fix you all the time but now that I'm not married to it, it doesn't bother me".
Well. I tell her she didn't have to FIX me, I could fix myself these past few years, I just didn't because it was too overwhelming at the time. Anyway we get into a conversation AGAIN about how she 'tried' and I didn't try and blah blah blah. The end result is a stalemate. Nobody is pissed off, it's just a rehash of the same old stuff. We stop the conversation on a neutral or slightly positive note and get the kids and walk to the beach for a picnic.
At the beach she asks me to take some pictures of her for her massage business website, her current ones are a couple years old and she has changed a lot. She has mentioned this several times. She needs some head shots. So I do, I take quite a few and I'm thinking about how she will send some to OM. But I do it anyway. After she picks the ones she wants she will of course ask me to update the website for her. Joy.
So we go to the beach. We talk small talk. Along the way she says 'Next time we do this we should do x y z...' And I say jokingly 'what makes you think I'll do this with you again?' and she says 'Oh, you'd invite me if you decided to take the girls camping' I say "Most likely YOU will want to go and you'll call ME". We have a laugh and I'm thinking how much I hate the 'future talk' she does of all the wonderful family trips we'll take (Disney World during spring break maybe, camping, etc...) because we will be such FRIENDS and great CO-Parents who get along so well! I know Counselor said the fact that she is talking about family trips is a positive, but I can't really see it that way. It's just another chance for her to have her cake and eat it too.
So, I got a strong message today: too much of my self esteem was coming from her. I know she had been wishing for at least the past 3 years that she could get out of our marriage, that someone would come along to save her (her diaries say that from 2002). That she loved me really, up until the last day before she dropped me for OM and 'freedom'. I know, I felt it.
That when she thought OM didn't want her any more last week, she made comments to me REMINDING me that she didn't want to be 'married', that she couldn't go back to living like that. It was weird that she felt she had to make a point of telling me this at that time.
She knows she has an empty place in her heart she has to fill herself. Till OM got back on board and filled it right up again for her.
As time goes on, I am changing, I don't drink, I don't lose my temper, things that used to make me mad don't any more. I spend tons of quality time with the kids. She has the opportunity to start her business while she's in a safe place. I know she sees these things.
But, she really doesn't want me. She really doesn't. She plays around with me because I'm here. Just a roommate. OM calls her and she is happy again. She dreams of the day she can be with him again. And I truly believe that OM will make good on his promise and they will be together out here eventually. I know everyone ELSE doesn't think so, but I do. It's my gut feeling. Or maybe a fear.
She has gone emotionally. And I DID get too much of my own 'self worth' from our old relationship. But I was DEPRESSED. It doesn't matter though. She wore herself out with me. I just don't see it ever working with us. I just don't.
I have to unplug, move on, get out, something. I worry the only reason I DB is because I NEED her. I try to look at her and convince myself she's not that great - she isn't 'great' but she has a wonderful side that I don't get to see any more. And I love her.
I WISH my Counselor would not be so confident in herself and her understanding of human nature to where she said to me 'give me 3 more weeks before you give up'. I don't want to. But I have to or I'll never forgive myself. And C is has a very special gift that makes me trust that she will do the best that can be done for us. And she does have BOTH of our welfare at heart.
I know I'm supposed to work on building a 'relationship' of some sort while we are living together, but I really just want to withdraw, go 'gray', whatever.
Right now I wish someone could tell me for sure it's over forever and I should move on.
