W and D15 went for a drive to talk about 'boys' tonite. That's two nites in a row D15 has spent time with W. I feel a little left out now! (ha!) Nah, I'm really glad they are not fighting and are finding something to share time doing. They came back and had this idea that we could just 'go camping tomorrow'. No plan, just do it. I used to do that all the time, just go somewhere. Of course it's in the 40's at nite so I talked it over with them and we're going to rent a tent trailer tomorrow and I'll take care of getting everything together. I usually would have said 'nah, too cold, no plan, we aren't ready bla bla' but I did a 180 and took their original idea and came up with a way to make it work, and keep them more comfortable than sleeping on the ground in our tents would be.
It'll be a chance to have fun as a family. Making positive memories. Gotta get em while we can.
W has been sort of 'playful' a couple times tonite. Threw her pajama top over my head as a joke when she walked by me to go to the bathroom to change. Gave me one of her 'arm punches' that she used to do all the time. she was sort of lying across two chairs in the living room and I needed to go from one side to the other, and it was no problem to go around her, she really wasn't in the way at all. But she says 'I bet I'm in the way, want me to move?' I said no, if you were in the way I would just walk over you. She says 'oh, you better not!' So I walk next to her and step over her and walk away. She jokingly says "Don't do that again!" so I step over her and SAT on her waist, then she reaches up to tickle me and I got off her (I hate to be tickled and she knows it). It was cute and fun and meaningless. I kept smiling and acting 'as if'.
Just finished watching DVD with W (Billy Elliot, good movie). She's kinda detached a little or waiting forme to do something. We both cried during the sad parts. I was kinda down but acting 'up' and I think she could tell but that's ok.
I was thinking tonite about how when we go to 'be friends' mode they think they can do stuff that is at the level of 'boyfriend playful'. If I had a friend who was a woman I would NOT do the things she was doing, that would be flirting. Our boundaries are so weird now, we want to have those 'moments' so bad that we'll let them do whatever they want to us hoping it will happen. Cripes, I wouldn't let a girl who I KNEW didn't like me act that way around me.
But it was nice, it was 'connecting' but tonite I was not in a receiving mood. The OM cycles piss me off and I wonder what she is thinking when she is 'flirty' with me. She has OM, dreams about him, is in love...
Why does she do this to me?
My theory is that they are all old habits - things we used to do under certain situations that we do again out of habit or a conditioned response.
I think tomorrow I will try an experiment. I'll set up several 'situations' where I take the opportunity to flirt with W, but then blow her off. It would be interesting to see her response.
I'm really having no exepctations from her. Since we are now in an UP cycles with the OM rollercoaster it's smarter to just lay low and wait a couple weeks for the downside to begin again. Then she becomes more 'real' again.
I was kinda down but acting 'up' and I think she could tell but that's ok.