This is a tough one to relate. I was just given a test tonite. It was one of the hardest ones yet because it was about CONTROL.
Background: The other day when W had her experience with the 'brownies' and was freaked out, it was, as my counselor (and AmyC) said, a 'divine intervention' because the event set up a situation for us both to see what it was like to be the other person during the bad times in our marriage. I was the caretaker, and she was the messed up one. It opened our eyes and we both really felt the other ones hurt when we discussed it in our respective therapy sessions that week.
ok, so todays test.
W goes to her salon to get hair done. This is her 8 week 'do' and I was panicked it was so she could look nice because OM was coming out, but it looks like I was panicked for nothing.
She comes home, comes into my office. I notice her hair and complement her!
W: can I ask you for some advice? Me: ok W: Well, at the salon I go to they have a room they rent out to massage therapists. Right now they don't have one and it's available. Also, they sold a bunch of gift certificates over xmas and there's nobody to do them. It's $1,000 per month rent But THEY refer clients to you and they are a pretty classy salon. They told me they could keep me really busy and then I wouldn't have to bring clients to our house any more. Maybe I could get a real bed! (she has to sleep on a fold up bed because she sleeps in the massage room).
Me: How many new clients would you need to make $1,000?
W: well, about 10.
Me: OK, then they would have to refer you at least 2-3 per week to break even, and you get the space for other uses?
W: Yes, but breaking even isn't going to be good enough to justify it, I'll need twice that number of clients to get ahead.
Me: Yeah, you already can't pay your half of the bills like we agreed...
W: Yeah, I know. Maybe it's a bad idea. (looks sad)
Me: well, could you do LOMI massage there? You charge twice as much for that and you'll pretty much be the only one in the area who does it.
W: Oh yeah, the room is plenty big and quiet too.
(We do talk about the potential, a long discussion on pricing, what kind of clientelle do they have, economics etc... I just am not going to bother with it here. Suffice it to say that it COULD be done - by someone who has a little business savvy)
Me: Well, isn't that one of your goals, to be a Lomi massage practitioner? This could be the chance to start your business that you've been wanting to start.
(note: OM keeps promising to move out here so they can start this Lomi business 'together' and she replies that she is looking forward to it)
W: Yeah, but it's a lot of money and what if it doesn't work out?
Me: How will you know if you don't try? I have always had faith in you and I think this opportunity has been presented to you right now, when you NEEDED it because you have set an intention to have your own Lomi Massage business.
W: Yeah, it is a weird coincidence. I'm not sure what to do.
Me: Well, if you do it you won't be able to pay your share of the bills....
W: Yeah, I thought of that, that's why I don't think I should do it right now, I need a sure source of money.
Me: Well, you could owe me for your half till you get the business going...
W: No I don't want to build up debt. I guess I'll just not do it. Unless they will let me pay them rent later or something... I don't know. It's probably just bad timing right now.
Me: Well, let me think about what you could do to make it work....
So, I take a minute to think about this.
Counselor has told me that W needs to prove to herself that she can be independent. She needs to either succeed or fail but do it on her own. Up till now her self esteem has been (and, I think still is) based on having a man in her life who gives her that piece that is missing from her heart - her lack of real love for herself, confidence and assertiveness. W KNOWS she needs to work on this.
So, here is an opportunity to do just that.... except....She can't afford to do it AND pay her half of the bills. I can. She can't. Life is tough. She isn't going to ask for anything from me because she knows it isn't right and she says so. She's asking me whether or not I think she COULD make enough money to pay all her share of the bills and the rent on the place, hoping that the referrals she gets will fill the gap and more.
Remember, OM says he wants to come out here, be in a business with her doing just this kind of thing. He claims he's going to have all kinds of money in the near future (which I doubt) and he loves her, wants a relationship and to share her dream of starting a Lomi massage business. I know their 'relationship' is at best infatuation, at worst he is manipulating her. If she succeeds at this business he COULD come out sooner because she has a business already working so he would have a job with her, be able to start a relationship, everything she says she wants in her 'dream life'. It's all the bliss she is wishing for, isn't it?
So. I'm sitting here at that moment thinking about all that. I have secretly felt 'safe' knowing that neither he nor she are as capable as I am to make enough money to start the business she wants, and he claims to want, so they can be together, have a relationship, whatever, in my part of the country. All I have to do is wait. The Affair will burn out eventually (I hope).
So, what do I do?
I can:
1) Tell her she probably should focus on reality, not dreams. She has real financial issues and this is risk. It's no longer my job to cover her, she is getting a divorce, remember? She HAS to be able to pay her half of the bills. Tough. That's life in the real world. Sometimes you have to put off things to deal with reality. I had to when I was starting out...
2) Find a way to help her while still allowing her to keep her dignity so she doesn't think I am paying for her, which she cannot accept under the circumstances.
If I do (1) She stays weak, OM has to come through and the odds are he won't. Good for ME and the marriage, right?
If I do (2) She gets her chance to follow her dream NOW. It's still hard work ahead but she can do it. I have faith. BUT I risk that if she is a success or at least able to keep it going, OM will show up for sure and I'm screwed.
I have 60 seconds to say something. I'm scared to death inside. I do my best to empty my mind and connect with God or the universe or whatever you want to call it to know what is 'right' to do. I keep smiling of course.
So, I say:
Why don't you offer them a little less the first month, and negotiate a minimum number of referrals THE FIRST MONTH so they have to show you they really can sustain at least a break even situation. I'm sure they will do that since they already have customers with gift certificates out there.
And, because I REALLY BELIEVE IN YOU and I think in the long run, you'll make more money and be able to pay your share easily when you make this work, why don't you just pay whatever part of the bills you can afford for the next 3 months. I"m not 'giving' you anything, I'm just removing an obstacle that would slow you down, ok?
She says: That sounds ok. I need to think about it because it's a big move for me. Thanks for your advice and offer. (she seems happier but nervous)
She walks to the door and I say "W, I just want you to know I'm really proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to do this. I'm really proud of you. As a friend. (I am being as sincere as I can, because I AM proud of her). She thanks me and smiles.
Now I'm sitting here thinking WHAT HAVE I DONE? I've told W I will help her to do something that will give her the ability to live on her own SOONER, be with OM if she wants to, and he really comes out here, and be able to really afford to get a divorce! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!
So, I'm shaking a little, crying a little and call my friend Brian. Tell him the story. Ask Brian: Am I just crazy? Did I do the right thing? Shouldn't I have told her tough luck, it's hard to start up a business, wait till you can afford it? Am I enabling her? What?
Brian says: Dude, you did the honorable thing. You could help a friend move towards a dream and you did it regardless of how you felt. Some day you'll see a reward for that act.
I"m crying and he's quiet and I say to him "Well, I want to be Impeccable with My Word. I promised her I would help her with her business the other day. I said 'small things of course'. Well, this isn't so small, but it's the 'right' thing to do.
I don't know if she will actually do it. She's thinking about it still, deciding if she CAN do it. She SHOULD do it, this opportunity was presented to her now because now is the time. Just like the brownies incident was presented because it was the right time.
This is just getting too surreal to be believable.
And to think that she still doesn't trust me when I say that I will never again be that depressed guy who drank to feel better. If she only knew how hard it is for me to do what I'm doing.
