Sigh. Just got back from counselor meeting. She just pisses me off sometimes.
I told her about the changes in behavior earlier this week, then the call and read her the e-mails.
I said to her: I've had enough, I give up. They obviously love each other and there's nothing that is going to stop OM and her from getting together, starting a business, a life, he's better for her, he's more compatible, She'll never get over the hurt, she just wants to be friends..etc, etc.
She looks at me in the eyes and says, very seriously: Don't give up.
Of course I go through my list of all the reasons why it's hopeless. Why I can't take the hurt any more. Why I need to get out of this.
So she says that "this is the rollercoaster", it will go up and down with this fantasy relationship. When it goes DOWN because he's not playing any more, W pulls back and says things like "I don't want you to come out" or "I need to work on my stuff, maybe we can be friends". After enough of this, and just in time... he gets back in the game and pulls her back.
She pointed out the Dec 3rd e-mail to her GF complaining he didn't call or e-mail and he "obviously doesn't know how to love someone" and voicing her distrust of him. By the 10th she's telling him not to come visit, and by the 13th she's depressed and does the 'brownies' even though he has sent her a very short e-mail saying he misses her. On the 17th she's telling me 'the relationship' is gone.
Then, on the 18th he writes and calls and everything is good again.
and this response from him:
Quote: Yes I am attracted to you. I was not at first , In fact I really didn't register you... Until I saw the pain in your eyes and it affected me...well you know how it affected me.
Not an answer really, doesn't say why he is 'attracted' to her except for the 'pain' he saw. C says he saw a vulnerable woman and is taking advantage of her. C says she believes he is a predator, a Gigalo, he latches onto vulnerable women and lives off them or uses them to get to a new environment after the old one isn't working out. Example: He didn't dump GF till after he met W. Then he has still lived with GF but they are having so much trouble he is thinking about moving in with MOM. He's 39!
Quote: Then he says "I'm not trying to give any false hopes, but when I get out there (if you still wish me to be there), I will have enough knowledge and resources so we can do the lomi massage business! I am looking forward to that. I desparately need a lifestyle change.
C says this is an example of that manipulation. Tells W what she wants to hear. But, she says why would he desparately need a lifestyle change? Something not working in his life? And if he is just starting a business with some partners, why is he abandoning them right away and why does he think they will be giving him money so he can move and 'have resources available' for the business SHE wants to be in? A business doesn't become profitable overnight.
C just doesn't believe he can (or will) DO what he SAYS. She makes one other point: If this is 'soulmate love' then why are the e-mails or calls from him sometimes missing for days lately, or E-mails really only talk about HIM. Never any 'plans' for them. (like Shark mentioned) And the usual ILY to keep her on the hook.
(When I was dating my W, she lived 50 miles away so I could only see her on the weekends. I called her EVERY night)
She thinks that the 'soulmate' thing has already faded. Now it's "Will you pursue me, and show me how much you love me?" phase of infatuation. And she gives him so much slack so he can go away and then come back.
C says: notice that W is the one who writes the longer letters, and they are often very dramatic. Like a romance novel. She said some people like to read romance novels, others like to WRITE them. W is writing her fantasy romance novel to escape her life and her issues. The 'I dreamed of sex with you' stuff is just another part of that novel. And she reminded me of the 'four agreements' number 2 "Don't take anything personally".
C observed that this 'relationship' has nothing substantial as a basis. It's based on 'fantasy love' and 'sexual attraction'. If it really was love, HE would call or write every day, even if it was just to say 'hi, I'm ok. How are you?'.
C said in her individual session with W next week she is going to ask her "Do you think OM is jerking your chain?". That should be interesting.
C thinks this guy will either really hurt W or W will eventually turn it into a fantasy friendship so she can continue the 'fantasy romance novel' she is 'writing'. Her prediction: 2 months or so before it becomes irrelevant or W gets hurt, maybe he finds someone else. She doesn't think they will see each other again.
C told me that in individual counseling W brought up the nice trip we took last weekend, how I did things she never thought I would ever do, how fun it was to have me as a companion. How much I've changed. C says that I need to remember one thing: W is HERE, not with OM. She is living the life she claimed she wants to leave. Dealing with kids and school, seeing me and interacting with me every day, cleaning the house, laundry. All the same stuff while she is 'free'. C says that if she can feel comfortable in her current 'family' environment with me, then maybe she could consider becoming a spouse again.
She also said that whenever she says 'divorce' to W, that she shows a look of fear or unhappiness on her face. C added that so many people she works with file the papers, go through the process and then at the last minute they realize the scale of what they are giving up and decide to work on it. Most people do not want to give up something they have invested so much of themselves in.
She also said that W knows she MUST start this business on HER OWN so she can grow that self esteem part of her. She knows she needs to work on herself and is starting the work with C.
C said 'Give me 3 more sessions with her before you really give up'.
And, don't read her e-mail no matter what. What W says and OM says is not REALITY, it's the 'romance novel' SHE is writing. When you get into it you make huge assumptions. You had them practically married and gone forever in your mind.
Then you don't do your best when you are around her.
I guess I believed 'half of what they say'. I paid for it today. Don't do it, you will only knock yourself down. Next time W seems to be getting closer I will say 'that's nice' and not assume OM is out of the picture or try to find out.
Her question to me: If you KNEW that you were GUARANTEED that if you let her go for 36 months you would be back together after that for the rest of your life, would you do it?
