I f*cked up. I checked out for years, even though I loved her and my kids I didn't love myself and I didn't take care of loving her. She has years of hurt and anger because of it. She totally believes she 'did everything she could' to try to 'help me'. She doesn't want me, plain and simple.
Don't despair! I know its very easy to do right now. I know you recognize the mistakes you made in your R/M and you've worked very hard to make lasting changes for FRANK's sake. You are only responsible for 100% of your 50%. She's responsible for her half. Don't take or shoulder ALL the blame!
Why did God set up this chance meeting to happen in Hawaii?...I can only guess it was to bring two people who had similar issues, similar needs, similar goals together, instead of keeping two people like us together who were so different and unhappy.
God doesn't force people to make bad choices. He allows them b/c we have free will. Each person is responsible and accountable for their own decisions.
I didn't take care of that which was so precious to me. I pray every day for help and healing for the family and 'us', I think God intends to heal us all, just not together. Sometimes you pray to God and sometimes his answer is 'no'.
Sometimes. BUT God does say this, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart'" (Jeremiah 29:11-13).
They are both trying so hard to make it 'work' that there has to be soemthing real there.
This 'realness' is b/c of their neediness, confusion and emptiness. There's nothing 'real' about it. There's a REAL good chance IT WILL NOT LAST!
I feel so guilty for what I've done and sad for what I've lost.
I'm right there with you Frank and feel your pain 'cause I feel the same. But we can't dwell there, can we? In order to move on within ourselves we must be willing to forgive ourselves for our failures and mistakes that played a part - NOT the whole part - in the demise of R/M. Forgive yourself Frank! Do it for yourself and your kids. Its part of self-acceptance. We accept the good and not-so-good within us, forgive ourselves and ask God to forgive us too.
Frank, only you know when to give up. I'm strongly encouraging you NOT to! Not yet! You've come way too far to give up now. I felt like that this morning, but I'm not ready - just yet. Just remember, and I know it sounds trite, in the end Frank WILL be a stronger, better person for the lessons you've learned about yourself and for the patience and strength to endure.
