Sorry to hear about the turn of events, Frank. Tried to give ya a heads up, ya know...
Ok, if she feels 'trapped' then why would she tell me over and over that she is SURE she doesn't want to be married, that she can't believe she stayed in the marriage while she was so hurt? How is that 'what I want to hear'? How does that 'keep the peace'? I'm not understanding you.
All her talk that stroked you, that was her telling you what she thought you wanted to hear, to keep the peace, yadda, yadda, that's what avoiders do. I lived with one myself. BUT... she was getting to the breaking point, she had enough, she was looking for an exit, the "new life" with the OM provided encouragement, she started telling you she wanted out. It's not as if they're ALWAYS going to tell you what you want to hear, 24/7 when they get to that pressure point.
I think what NYS is saying is that your wife, as a conflict avoider, is still avoiding conflict with you. She may well *feel* trapped, even if she isn't. She's trapped within her own emotions
Nope, that last part's not what I meant. It seemed to me that she was indicating that the OM relationship was gone (though in reality it wasn't, or she might have thought it was slipping away at that moment), and w/o the OM's being there to rely on, finds herself "stuck" in her primary relationship which was causing her to despair (her crying and all that), which made me think she feels "trapped", and when feeling "trapped", what they likely do is look for the exit. So, the exit in this case is to get things rolling with the OM.
Another heads up for you, Frank, not that it probably means much, but it's that spa trip shes planning in the next month or so is not going to be with any girlfriend:
"OM called her today while she was at home. She talked to him for an hour... Afterwards she talked to me about a couple things... Talked about going to a spa for a weekend with her girlfriend in feb or march.
Tuesday Jan 10th... she writes to OM ------------ I do not see how I will be able to take time off to see you in Feb"
Sounds like they figured out how subsequently during their phone call, doesn't it?
Saturday jan 14th she writes him
Hello there,
I had an 'aha' moment yesterday
That would've been the day of the "brownie" incident. I'm curious as to what her "aha moment" was about. You posted that she didn't give details? She starts off an email bringing up an 'aha moment' but doesn't share the revelation with her lover? Odd.
Anyway, my advice is to stop focussing on her and her problems and make this is a good time to understand your part in what went wrong, and that requires searingly honest no holds barred self reflection and examination. Welcome to the club.
