Was out for a long walk to cry, called a friend and told him I have given up. He said 'just take care of yourself, be there for your girls'. He Mentioned that when people 'give themselves to Christ' for example, they give up trying to control the world around them. That's where I need to be. Give up. No longer trying to fix the marriage or hope she will care for me more than 'a friend'.
I told him how I am starting to believe that maybe she and I really were not compatible. Maybe she needs someone more like her. Not a 'Super Genius' like me, who lives in the world of huge complex computer problems. I really liked her not being like me though, it felt good to not be in that world all the time.
The cycles with Her and OM go up and down but they seem to get more serious and ultimatly look like they will reach their conclusion. I'm not sure if I should make her leave or still stick to our 'agreement' to live together for a while for economical reasons and to help me DB. I was feeling good about our interactions the past few days. Mostly because she was 'emotionally here' and it FELT GOOD to connect with her. But also because I thought OM was fading out.
Now I don't really want to be 'friends', it feels good, but it hurts too much. I will keep DB'ing in that respect because it's the right thing to do, for the kids sake. And I made a promise to her that I would.
I strive to be impeccable with my word.
Remember Amy, the girls don't know about OM so they aren't learning 'a bad lesson', and he is far away ... for now. I guess when he isn't far away, whenever that is, then she will HAVE to move out.
Just getting ready to go see my Counselor, lucky I had her scheduled today. Don't worry, I won't die. I'm not that kind of quitter. If I was I would have done it 5 years ago when I was drunk and hurting.
Oh, and Eric, etc... Don't SNOOP. I know my excuse was to find out why she was changing and it looked positive... but in the end it wasn't real.
