She was in a really good mood today. Gave me a hug this morning 'just because I'm in a good mood!' So I decided to see what her reply was to his last e-mail and phone call.
She opened with 'my love' (was not saying that the past week) then she basically said that she was so happy he called and she was looking forward to exploring her relationship with him whenever that would be, and setting up a Lomi Massage business with him. She is going to be patient and wait for him to get his plans rolling so they can be together. She said she dreams about him and it's usually about sex. Gave a brief description about a dream she had along those lines.
I would say her 'empty spot' she spoke about the other day is now filled again.
She went from "it's over, or fading away" when they didn't talk for a few days, but when he called her and reassured her of the "dream" of being together, be patient, we'll do all these wonderful things, I'm in love with you.
Things that fit her dreams for her life and her career. I think she's just gets insecure and is having trouble believing he really will do what he says he'll do, probably because she hasn't trusted me for so long she thinks all men are like that.
What a lot of pain today. I had false hope, now it's crashed, again. That hurts.
I agree with the previous replies to the e-mails I posted. It's like a high school thing, but there are real plans going on between two adults, and I'm OUT of her heart. Period.
It seems like when she's feeling down because of not getting pursued enough by him she comes a little closer to me. But when she's reassured that he's 'committed' to their future together and is just doing the groundwork to make it happen she's back up and happy. Then she's even nicer to me.
Quote: AmyC: Your wife is still so confused. I see that at times you two share such tenderness. Know that no one else is going to know her like you do. Not even massage boy across the country. He only knows her in her confusion. I really hope she can scale this wall in front of her. You two could be in such a better place...
Those things probably don't even register in her heart. They are good moments when they happen and that's all.
Yeah, 'massage boy' won't know her like I do but that is just something you learn over time. I've known her through her insecurity, her personal growth, her career changes and th birth of two children. I've supported her during all these steps even when I couldn't support myself.
But those are part of the 'old W' and her old life. Time to move on to a new one.
When she goes and finds 'old journals' which of course she has ONLY written in when she is hurt or angry, she reaffirms her need to 'not be married' and why being married to me was so awful. All the good I ever did is overshadowed by her hurt at being emotionally abandoned.
When OM drops off line for a few days and she starts to worry "it's over" but he comes back full force and then it's "Let's plan a future!" agan, and it's just as strong, if not stronger than before. "Just be patient, we'll both realize our dreams together!" he says. And he means it.
Let's face it. For whatever reason these two people connected and they have a lot in common with regards to their emotional needs (to be with someone who is not a type 'A' personality, she is needy, he is needy and a 'fixer') and they both want to be in the same career and get away from their current crappy lives.
The career they are in would be great if you were partners with someone you love. You could work together, travel together, it's the perfect 'couple' business.
She's stuck with kids, but she can go do her Lomi massages with him daily and still be able to be home (wherever home is by then) to have dinner with the kids and help with homework on her days with them. Perfect.
I f*cked up. I checked out for years, even though I loved her and my kids I didn't love myself and I didn't take care of loving her. She has years of hurt and anger because of it. She totally believes she 'did everything she could' to try to 'help me'. She doesn't want me, plain and simple.
This is what she wants now.
Most women who leave an alcoholic relationship never go back. Why should I be any different? Because I'm a brilliant genious? Because I have a huge heart and am a kind and loving person? Because I'm sorry?
3 months ago she said she loved me. I don't think she ever really did in a real meaningfull way, or at least not for the past few years. Maybe what I felt was not what I thought it was. She actually thought I was sexy. I felt loved by her and I was really trying to change my situation. Why did God set up this chance meeting to happen in Hawaii? She wasn't even supposed to go, it was a last minute decision. In one day of contact everything changed. I can only guess it was to bring two people who had similar issues, similar needs, similar goals together, instead of keeping two people like us together who were so different and unhappy.
Now she's got a shot at a new start with someone who is probably more 'compatable' with her, same career, similar goals, similar abilities. He loves her, she loves him. People change. She 'grew up' while with me. Now she knows what she wants and it isn't me. At least not the 'old' me and not the 'new' me either.
At least she is spending more 'emotional' time here with the girls instead of being mentally with him. That's good for the girls sake, they need their mom. The divorce hurts the girls but at least she is getting back to normal in the 'mom' business.
Maybe I'll do better in my next life. This one didn't work out so well but at least I have two great daughters. In a couple years I may meet someone I can love. But not as long as I am around her. It'll probably be 3-6 months before OM can get himself out here so I wont have to deal with that issue till then. Hopefully she will just move out at that point.
It's so hard to lose so much, but I didn't take care of that which was so precious to me. I pray every day for help and healing for the family and 'us', I think God intends to heal us all, just not together. Sometimes you pray to God and sometimes his answer is 'no'.
I used to think she and I were 'meant to be', but now I am thinking it wasn't 'forever', just for a while. If it was forever I wouldn't have stayed stuck, and she would have been a strong wife who wouldn't have LET me stay stuck. I don't blame her though, I knew she was not assertive like me and I didn't take care of myself and left her hanging in a painful limbo. Yes there was love, and there were good times. But not enough.
I keep saying I'll 'let her go' but I don't do it. But there's nothing to hang on to now. Nothing.
She has an unforgivable hurt towards me and a love for someone else who wants to live the kind of life with her that she wants to live. It happens. Maybe their 'start' was weird but that doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be, that they aren't compatable with each other. They are both trying so hard to make it 'work' that there has to be soemthing real there.
I'm done. I need to get out of here. I feel so guilty for what I've done and sad for what I've lost.
I don't need to be stabbed in the heart so many times to 'get it'. She doesn't love ME. She cares, how could she not care after 20 years? But she will never fall in love with me again.
I'll work on grieving my loss, and the loss to my kids of their family. Although EVERYONE says that "You're still a family" after a divorce! Yeah, right.
At least we're past the 'angry' stage. She's trying to be nicer and friendlier. That kind of hurts when I know she's not happy to be with me, she happy for other reasons.
Well, I've said enough for today. Maybe I should move to the 'divorced' forum.
