I am glad to hear that you aren't about to slip over the edge. I guess I just misinterpreted what you were saying, and probably was indirectly the source of the others wielding the 2x4s. I get way too emotional, way too often. I guess I just felt that if there was any chance, I should do my best to help you the way nobody helped me. Most of the friends I talked to either just commiserated with me or told me I was a complete idiot and walked away. Nobody sat down with me in a caring way and understood the feelings I had, as well as the feelings I was soon going to have.
Anyway, I just hope that you can keep those temptations way in the back of your mind for the next 5 days.
One thing I would caution you about is the "OM makes me feel so good about myself that I treat myself and H better" line of reasoning. It can REALLY backfire on you. If your H gets an inkling that you are dressing nicer, acting sweeter, etc. partly to impress some other guy, it won't matter if some of the new you bleeds into your M. Just imagine if the roles were reversed. Would the fact that your H was wearing a cologne you really liked be a positive thing if you knew one reason he wore it was to attract the attention of another woman?
Now don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be taking those positive steps to improve yourself. Just focus on them being good for you and for your M, not that they originated from OM. I am guilty of the same thing. OW's actions and interest unlocked my heart, tore down the walls of indifference I had put up there, and made me realize that yes this nerdy geek could be attractive. But, those things are good things independent of their original source, and are things I need to focus on independantly of thoughts about OW. I hope I am making sense. Maybe phrased slightly differently. YOU are an attractive woman Fran, whether or not work-guy notices or is even there.
Keep thinking positive Fran. It does sound like you have a lots of hurdles and past hurts to get around in your M, but you do have some positive things going.
OK, enough of my ineptly wielded 1x2. Good luck this week! STOP TALKING TO YOUR SISTER ABOUT IT. I cannot believe that someone who has gone through the heartache of a broken marriage would be encouraging you to do something which could cause the same. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, but it sounds like she has a screw loose.
Your great too Fran Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Sorry to LFL for hijacking her thread here, just seems like the most obvious place to be journalling what's going on with me for the next few days.
Well after the upbeat post of Friday and Saturday, Sunday was a bit of a downer. I had to admit to myself that many of GEL's remarks were correct. You can have a one-sided EA and that is what is going on for me. I was flicking through a fashion catalog and realised I just was not interested in anything because HE wouldn't ever see me wearing it - I mean how dumb is that.
Still only 4 more days to go, and today was fine, nothing flirty happened. I stayed calm and reasonable all day - no heart-pounding.
Quote: One thing I would caution you about is the "OM makes me feel so good about myself that I treat myself and H better" line of reasoning. It can REALLY backfire on you. If your H gets an inkling that you are dressing nicer, acting sweeter, etc. partly to impress some other guy, it won't matter if some of the new you bleeds into your M. Just imagine if the roles were reversed. Would the fact that your H was wearing a cologne you really liked be a positive thing if you knew one reason he wore it was to attract the attention of another woman?
Chromo, he did. And I did like it until I found out why. What I didn't like is that he went back to the bad old slobby ways after OW was out of his life. I don't intend to do that. It's kind of funny that the M is going fine at the moment even though all this is going on for me in the background. I'm hoping I can hold that position once work-guy is gone.
I absolutely have stopped talking to my sister about it. You're right of course she has a screw loose (I knew that), but then she's my sister
I'm OK I really am and I reckon I won't be journalling on this topic again, it only serves to keep it to the front of my mind instead of letting it drift away like it should.
thanks for looking out for me
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
"Sorry to LFL for hijacking her thread here, just seems like the most obvious place to be journalling what's going on with me for the next few days."
Don't worry, LFL is a push-over and doesn't mind her thread being hijacked. LOL
"I was flicking through a fashion catalog and realised I just was not interested in anything because HE wouldn't ever see me wearing it - I mean how dumb is that."
Not dumb at all, a classic sign of infatuation (in my humble, non-professional opinion). I used to do this all the time with OW, and still occasionally do, i.e. "man I wish she could be here to see this or that cool thing", or to give me help understanding this or that problem, etc. etc. And it is not dumb at all that you recognize and admit that you are doing it. It is when you HIDE feelings like that from yourself that you are being "dumb" and setting yourself up for disaster. Everyone has little infatuations that will pop up here and there.
"Chromo, he did. And I did like it until I found out why. What I didn't like is that he went back to the bad old slobby ways after OW was out of his life. I don't intend to do that. It's kind of funny that the M is going fine at the moment even though all this is going on for me in the background. I'm hoping I can hold that position once work-guy is gone."
Hold a minute while I pull my size 15 shoe out of my mouth (perfectly normal for my height thank you very much). I'll have to say you are taking a VERY mature attitude about your H's affair (EA or PA?). Yes, a person can change for the better as a result of an A. Every change made during the affair is not necessarily tainted as a result. I shed some really stupid views about myself because of my EA. I recognize though that it will take some time and effort on my part for my W to respect those changes as being positive though. Seems like you are already there mentally, bravo.
Unfortunately, the post-affair depression can cause those postive self-image changes to vanish or even go backwards. Could your H be suffering from post-affair depression?
Well, again I hope you can maintain your higher self-image after work-guy leaves, but because you are a good person, independant of work-guy.
"I absolutely have stopped talking to my sister about it. You're right of course she has a screw loose (I knew that), but then she's my sister."
Thanks for not letting me have it there. I violated the "talk bad about siblings rule." I hope you don't think I have an overall negative impression of your sister, I surely do not know her. Its just hard for me to imagine, say, encouraging someone to have an EA, knowing what I know now about how these things typically turn-out.
"I'm OK I really am and I reckon I won't be journalling on this topic again, it only serves to keep it to the front of my mind instead of letting it drift away like it should."
Glad to hear it, and I 100% respect your decision to not talk about it if you don't want to. Do NOT feel like you have to respond to this message. Nothing is worse than someone forcing "help" on you if you don't want it. Take care of yourself Fran.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Gonna add to the thread hijack but hey I will make it up to you someway!
I was flicking through a fashion catalog and realised I just was not interested in anything because HE wouldn't ever see me wearing it - I mean how dumb is that
It's kind of funny that the M is going fine at the moment even though all this is going on for me in the background
I don't intend to do that.
I'm hoping I can hold that position once work-guy is gone.
So you are working on yourself and self esteem and appearance for yourself right?
Your M is going better right?
Though you know you are infatuated with another male and have newness hormones to butt going on You think you won't go back to your old ways when work guy is gone.
Please read the first statement that I have reposted of yours. And then say again how all this is for you and your working on your marriage.
Then go to the second sentence. Your M is no better dear. All those fuzzy feelings are being transferred to your H that you have for work man. It is what is going on in the back ground that makes your M appear to be going better. Supplys about to run out what you gonna do then?
I believe the next lines answer that. You don't intend to go back to not putting in so much effort into your self. But are not sure you can hold onto to this high/self esteem rush once he is gone.
I am not trying to be mean or harsh. I am not trying to be a hypocrite because I also had a EA of sorts. But reality is your infatuation drug/rush is about to run out and what deversion it is providing you and emotional pump up it is giving you is about to end cold turkey. And you will be faced with the reality that it is helping you hide from. Be prepared my dear it is not pretty or a fun ride.
My H did not provide me with conversation and stimulation that I needed. My EA did well 18 months afterwards my H still does not provide these things. I have more of a relationship with others on this board. And it sucks but I am not hiding from the reality of it anymore.
Chrissy, I was flicking through a fashion catalog and realised I just was not interested in anything because HE wouldn't ever see me wearing it - I mean how dumb is that
It's kind of funny that the M is going fine at the moment even though all this is going on for me in the background
I don't intend to do that.
I'm hoping I can hold that position once work-guy is gone.
So you are working on yourself and self esteem and appearance for yourself right?
Your M is going better right?
Though you know you are infatuated with another male and have newness hormones to butt going on You think you won't go back to your old ways when work guy is gone.
Please read the first statement that I have reposted of yours. And then say again how all this is for you and your working on your marriage. Absolutely – you are right it is not
Then go to the second sentence. Your M is no better dear. All those fuzzy feelings are being transferred to your H that you have for work man. It is what is going on in the back ground that makes your M appear to be going better. Supplys about to run out what you gonna do then? Right again, I will be miserable and that will transfer to M
I believe the next lines answer that. You don't intend to go back to not putting in so much effort into your self. But are not sure you can hold onto to this high/self esteem rush once he is gone. No but I can try. I can be aware of myself and what is causing my feelings. H will not have done anything to make me react differently to him. My supply of junk will be cut off, my supply of something more healthy which keeps up my self-esteem will need to be increased and it is up to me to make that happen. H is cool, he has problems and he needs to address them but I do not need to lay on him what is going on for me. (he does this to me but that is a whole other story). I need to keep cranking the handle that is keeping our M on track, keep complimenting, keep thanking for the little things, keep jumping his bones and not resenting when he is not doing any initiating.
I am not trying to be mean or harsh. I am not trying to be a hypocrite because I also had a EA of sorts. But reality is your infatuation drug/rush is about to run out and what deversion it is providing you and emotional pump up it is giving you is about to end cold turkey. And you will be faced with the reality that it is helping you hide from. Be prepared my dear it is not pretty or a fun ride. Thanks for preparing me, I am sure it is not going to be fun, things that will help me:
EA is not a big deal only been going on a couple of months and was never realistic option (he is 15 years younger and from what I can gather an irresponsible dickhead – y’now 29 going on 15. He was not pulling his weight around the workplace even before he resigned so others negative comments did have an effect on me). What I have to learn from this is not to regret it but to use it to my advantage, to see where it has been helping me to feel good about myself and what effect that has generally in other areas of my life. IOW do things that make me feel good about myself (not stupid things!) I recently was reading a book on conversation between Dalai Lama and a psychiatrist - at a friend's house while babysitting. I read the chapter on suffering. What the Dalai Lama said was that suffering is part of the human condition and that if we accept suffering without trying to fight it we can move on more easily to a more peaceful state. His words rang true for me and I wish I was better at remembering exactly what he said rather than cod-quoting it. But what I think I'm trying to say is that I can deal with the pain of the EA finishing. I won't see the guy again after tomorrow. I will feel pain but that is part of the human condition and I will not try and fight it. I won't try and contact him or do anything which helps me to not forget all about him. Another thing that I realised is that pain is often the Ego feeling bruised. Ego's deserve to be bruised so there is nothing to worry about there.
My H did not provide me with conversation and stimulation that I needed. My EA did well 18 months afterwards my H still does not provide these things. I have more of a relationship with others on this board. And it sucks but I am not hiding from the reality of it anymore. I am with you there Chrissy H and I have very little stimulating conversation, it's just not his thing.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Good luck this week! STOP TALKING TO YOUR SISTER ABOUT IT. I cannot believe that someone who has gone through the heartache of a broken marriage would be encouraging you to do something which could cause the same. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, but it sounds like she has a screw loose.