Hey Chromo, Gel, BF

Thanks for checking up on me and thanks even for the 2X4s to the back of the head. (Ouch ) But I've given the bump a good rub and I'm better now.

Good day today no love chemical feelings.

Yes I am spending emotional energy on this guy instead of on my M. It’s OK I am not such a lost cause as the tone of some of your posts imply. Really I am not. As far as EA goes there isn’t one. No not even the one-sided one GEL describes. PA neither (of course) How would you react if Brad Pitt (or whoever floats your boat) worked at the desk across from you? Face it you would be all of a twitter and excitedly enjoy it but it would not constitute anything worse than window shopping. He is leaving which is disappointing to me because work will be a slightly more drab place to be once he had gone but I am NOT going to be mooning over his memory. For one thing you guys wouldn't let me - LOL

There is a line I remember from one of the soaps we get here – Coronation Street – in it a 50-something balding fat guy is ogling the new young blonde barmaid. His wife comes up and whacks him one. His response is “What?!? You’ll get the benefit” That’s kind of how I feel about what is going on here. The charge of positive energy I get from being around work-guy spills over into other areas of my life including my M. Example: I dress with more care and attention. H notices I look nice and compliments me. Meaning I get a positive stroke from H and feel better about the state of the M. I know you guys will weigh in here with “why don’t you dress nice for H.” Well of course I could but I kind of forgot. Point is the chemistry thing that work-guy sparked was what gave me back those good feelings about myself so I dress nicely. The energy in the M before this was zero.

Just to put everyone in the picture re my sitch. Married 15 years. Me 44 H 38 S6 D4. H walked away two and a half years ago OW involved. State of M up to that point very poor. Case of who would get out the door first. He did because he could, I didn’t because I was stuck at home with little kids. I read Michele’s book, came to these boards and DB’d like crazy to get him to come back. Up until S6 was born we had good M. Stress of new dynamic was more than we could deal with. Anyhow M good for a while after he came back backslid a little but carried on DBing and trying to turn things round. Then my mum died just over a year ago and I no longer had emotional energy to DB. The other problem is H is alcoholic. He has finally admitted he has drink problem so that is a positive. I am sure his ND condition is alcohol related.

So three positives:
1) I have a lot of positive energy in my life right now partly due to work-guy thing but also other stuff.
2) H is recognizing his own sitch – he knows he has drink problem and starting to want to address it.
3) H has more positive energy due to big change in his work sitch. He is coming home every day pleased with the way things went instead of miserable.

I know I was sounding emotional about it all in response to Chromo’s posts and I guess I felt that way some. But it has been cathartic to spill it all out here and to have you guys respond in such a supportive way. It’s amazing how strangers can have so much more of your true interests at heart than people who are closer. My sister is the only other person who has heard about this and she is getting a vicarious pleasure from it and in some ways encouraging me to throw caution to the winds because she has a lot of her own baggage and there is a part of her that would like my M to break up as hers did. You know – join the club.

You guys are great.

Fran

if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
Erica Jong