I've read a few of your posts Fran and I have been resisting responding because I feel your anguish so keenly. I really empathize with you so much in how you feel. I have a feeling you are doing the right thing, that you are not letting yourself go down the dark path, but I felt I might add some words here, from a person who has gone down that path.
An EA is a deep dark pit with spikes at the bottom. It is covered well, and a nice haunch of tasty beef has been left suspended over it. When you reach out to get the "prize", and the covering breaks free from under you, then you experience that dual feeling of the pleasure of a powerful rush as you free-fall through the EA as well as the sure knowledge that something really bad is going to happen to you shortly. Then when you do hit, it is not only the most painful thing you've ever experienced, but then realization sinks in that you've got one helluva hole to climb out of, and some really sharp spikes to pull out of your body, if you want to survive.
I say these things to you just to warn you about how you WILL feel if you decide to do this. I hope you won't, as I would spare you the pain that I felt. Yes, I know you have pain right now, longings that are unmet, feelings that are not reciprocated, and it would feel SOOO good to get that from someone, especially that someone who seems to be able to give you that and so much more. But the aftermath is tough, REALLY tough.
As I said, it seems like you are resisting the urges, but I do worry about this "2 weeks before he is getting ready to leave" comment. Basically, this means you have two weeks to be as strong as you can be. I beg you to do so.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
