Hey Guys & Dolls! I'm still here, alive and breathing! Thanks so much for staying in touch. I know I've been a slacka$$ lately about posting, but as soon as I get my head screwed on half-right (it was never on all the way right ), I'll be back around and posting more often. I won't abandon you; I promise!

Things are going well. H has seemed to do a complete turnaround. We took a trip to the mountains on Saturday and had a great time. He also reserved a room at my all-time favorite hotel in Atlanta (the Westin) for our upcoming anniversary. He knows I love those Heavenly beds, and he said he thought the trip would be a perfect one for me while I'm pregnant. Even though I won't be able to drink my wine in that revolving restaurant on top of the hotel, at least I'll be able to enjoy my Heavenly bed!!

He's also taking me to my favorite romantic restaurant on V-Day (our anniversary). He wrote the hotel and the restaurant on his calendar and drew hearts beside it. Awwww. This is the man I remember ...

Because I've realized the impermanence of everything throughout this process, and because the hurt and pain I felt are still so very raw, I don't feel like I'm fully emotionally invested in what's going on. But it's a healthy distance I've created, and my H can't even tell it's there.

He keeps asking me what he did to deserve being able to come back home. I tell him that he must've loved me awfully well for four years. I still had love left over in the ol' Love Bank or somethin'. It's a shame I apparently didn't do the same thing for him. And I still don't get how I didn't, but I'm working on changing a few things to see if it works better.

The first thing I'm doing is pulling back and letting him make decisions on his own, including how to handle OW and her supposed pregnancy. I told H that I was not going to tell him how to run his life, because that was one of the things that apparently aided in his leaving me: He misinterpreted my "protecting" him as me smothering him.

But a day or two after I told him that I was pulling back and letting him make his own decisions, he called me (just after OW had called him on his cell at work) and said he desperately needs my help. He said, "I need you to help me make decisions. I need you to help me make her go away and just stop calling me. I'm stressed about her and her baby, and even though I don't think about it all the time, I know it's affecting how I am at home. I can't sleep, I'm not comfortable, and I just want her completely out of my life."

I told him that I would give him as much support and words of advice as I could, but I don't really like advising him, mainly because I don't want to ever be blamed for how things have shaken out with him and this other child. My biggest dilemma is trying to protect and support my H, while at the same time realizing that I have *a lot* of compassion for this other baby. I know I'm not responsible for him/her, but the baby doesn't deserve what it's getting. S/he is the result of an ignorant, temporary moment of passion. And now, s/he will grow up without his/her father. It's just not fair.

I have talked to H about fighting OW for custody of the baby, assuming there is one and s/he's my H's. He said he wants all of his attention to belong to *my* baby. This is where my principles differ from my H's. I would be worried about having a child out there somewhere who doesn't know me. That's apparently not one of his concerns.

Her alleged pregnancy, too, makes mine feel less special; I have to be honest. That's my ego, I know, but it's the truth. *I* am preggo with my H's first child, his first son. Everything was supposed to be wrapped up in *my* baby. He was supposed to be special -- the only one with H as his father. I was supposed to be the only woman who carried H's baby in her womb. And now this. It just takes away from everything. I wonder, when H is in the delivery room with me in May, will he be thinking about the fact that another child will be born three months later? Will he *think* about OW being preggo when he's watching me give birth to our son? Will that make him want to be in the other baby's life? H says not, but I still wonder.

He's not going to be in the delivery room with OW. In fact, he said he doesn't want to be at the hospital at all. He said he totally wants to cut ties with her -- that she knew how he felt about her baby, and the level of involvement he planned to have in its life (none), in enough time to make a well-informed decision about how to proceed.

I think she's holding out hope that her baby will bring H back to her. She's still pumping a bunch of sh!t through his brain because she knows he's naive and that he'll fall for it. What she *doesn't* factor in is that H is telling me *everything* ... even things that hurt really badly.

Apparently, she keeps saying, "I can't believe you're doing this to me." I asked H whether she said that to him when he came running to her four months ago. She knew perfectly well that I was pregnant, but I've learned that instead of saying to him, "I can't believe you're doing this to your W," she made out with my H the night he left me. Ho-bag. H tells me that she told him while they were together that she would "take care" of him and make his life so much better. Make me vomit!!

H actually called me scared a few days ago following a phone call with her. He said she told him that the two of them needed to sit down soon to discuss visitation. H told her that wouldn't be necessary until the baby's born. She asked if he was going to demand a paternity test, and H said yes, which apparently sent her to pieces. He said she went back through exactly when she got preggo, as if to remind him or reassure him that the baby is his. She also said that the two of them would have to go through mediation for child support/custody issues, which we all know is BS, unless anything about the proposed agreement is contested.

I told H not to let her scare him -- that whatever he had to go through, I would be right there beside him. However, I said, the next time she mentions sitting down with you to discuss issues like visitation, make sure you tell her that both of us would be more than happy to sit across the table from her.

OW asked H if she could call him "in case of an emergency." H responded that it would have to be an emergency, and I told him that if she ever *does* call, needing him to take her to the hospital or something, I'd be right along for the ride. That's just how it's gotta be.

He finally did catch her on something the other day. OW said to him that she couldn't go through with an abortion, because someone detailed the procedure, and she couldn't bear the thoughts of doing that to the baby. She then went on to ask H (for the 80th time) if he would want anything to do with the baby, and H said he's not sure. She said, "Well, I want the baby to know his or her father."

H said, "Wait a minute. You told me it's a boy; you even let me name him, and we've been calling him by that name this whole time."

OW responded (and you'll love this): "Well, things were a little foggy that day (of the ultrasound)." However, she said, "If I get an amniocentesis done, I'll be able to find out then if it's a boy or a girl." I told H she'd also be able to find out if he's the father.

He doesn't remember exactly when her ultrasounds were done. He said he believes she had two, but he can't think of when the second one would have been. It's very irritating to deal with him because he can't remember *any* details. That's how he's always been, and it drives me freakin' crazy!

Anyway, OW asked H if he was going to demand a paternity test for my son. H said, "That's between me and my wife," which I appreciated. Of course he's told me that he has no doubts my son is his.

OW is claiming now that she's about 15 weeks preggo, which would make more sense and would point to the fact that her baby is my H's. Now that she's admitting she doesn't know the sex, that also makes me think that maybe she *is* preggo. He hasn't called her on the "feeling-the-baby-kick-at-12-weeks" yet, but I think she's picking up on the fact that either H has figured her out, or his W has.

She's apparently due anywhere from the end of July to the beginning of August. She says she felt "him" kick the end of December. Apparently she missed her first period after being with my H, and went to the doctor. She had two negative pregnancy tests (urine and blood), and her doctor apparently prescribed her a hormone that would virtually work just like the morning-after pill if she *were* preggo. H can't remember what month that was, but he remembers OW saying, "Well, if I am pregnant, this should take care of it."

According to her, she didn't have a period the next month either (I would imagine that would have been early December), and that's when she went to the doctor and found out she was preggo.

Now, I'm a little too confused by all that to be able to figure out if this new information "jives." But if anybody else wants to take a jab at it, I'll be happy to read what you think.

H said from the moment she found out she was preggo, all she did was rub her stomach and say, "We're having a baby!" Sick, sick b!tch. She set his a$$ up. Nobody in her sitch would be that excited and in freakin' lactation la-la land if she hadn't planned on getting preggo.

H, thank gawd, realizes now that she's a total fruitcake. And he knows he's getting what he deserves. He needs to sweat this out some, I think. I would hope there's a happy ending to it all. A baby, and communication for 18 years with Psycho OW, is going to make that difficult. But right now, I don't even want to think about that.

I'm going to focus on *my* baby, who's doing wonderfully, BTW. He's growing like a, well, a basketball. Yeah, a basketball! We're very excited to meet this Little Man, who's been such a blessing. I'm 25 weeks along now, so only 15 weeks to go!! I'll be back later...