Uh oh! Welcome to my world. Right now, whatever he does will not be enough and I hate to say it but suck some of it up. My H ended his A over two months ago and I'm still where you are so DEFINITELY SLOW DOWN. Read KDU's posts too. This is a very long process and the first month or so you are going to be very angry (probably more so with your hormones) and then weepy and then angry in the space of oh.......five minutes. And it goes on like this for what seems like forever but then your emotions level. Read the DB book it mentions this somewhere. Just try (ha) to control this in front of H so things don't blow up on you. If you have the DB book or any of them actually, read the parts about what to expect with your emotions to your H. It might help him understand. It's a hard haul on eggshells and I'm still there so......
Say, I want to comment on the anger issue, as it was something I experienced to an extent after H decided he want to recommit to our R after our son was born. In my recent post, I detail some of the issues I dealt with after H came back into my life then.... and anger/resentment was one of them.
I think one of my problems back then was I didn't form any boundaries w/H. I was just so happy- and relieved- to have him back in my life, that I was too scared to say anything or do anything that might upset him. Was afraid he might leave me again, accuse me of all the same old thing.... So when he continued to live his life in a semi-bachlelor state- going out a lot, drinking, spending lots of money- I grew resentful; resentful of him for what he was doing, for not meeting my needs, but also resentful and angry at myself for not having the courage to speak up, voice my dissatisfaction, and set some boundaries at home. And with time, b/c of all those feelings, I began to "react" to H, instead of setting healthy boundaries for me and for our R, which has made things worse... It has helped contribute to where H and I are today, about 4 years later, and I would hate for you to experience what I have experienced.
So don't keep that anger and resentment in. Set boundaries, if you need to set boundaries. Tell H what specific actions he can take to reassure you and make you comfortable in your "new" R. Just don't let the anger/resentment fester until it explode; get it out, but get it out in a constructive manner. I never did, and it's been quite destructive to my R.
Just me 2 cents...
PetiteFlower
Quote: Follow Your Bliss
~Joseph Campbell
Thanks, girls. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. I've pulled all the ol' books out -- especially those that deal specifically with infidelity -- and have been thumbing through them. I plan tonight to actually sit down and read the chapters on dealing with emotions in the aftermath of an A.
The good news is that H has been home any time he's not working. And he's working so hard at his job, then coming home and having to work at unloading all of his things. I guess there's a big part of me that feels compassion for him ... but an even bigger part that says, Hey pal, you're the dumba$$ who pulled this crap to begin with.
But as soon as I think that, he says it out loud. So I know he's beating himself up for everything that's going on. That he's still taking time to stop and call me from work, or to lie on the couch with me in the evening, should probably be enough for now.
Ya know what? Maybe another thing that crawls my skin is that *she* -- and all the drama surrounding her -- is still getting so much of my H's attention. He took a half day off work yesterday to drive her to an appointment that they didn't even end up going to. He couldn't go with me to my prenatal appointment today because he had already taken time off work for *her*.
He only has two weeks of vacation, and taking her dumba$$ to the doctor two or three times has already soaked up one to three days of his vacation. The more she eats into that, the less H will be able to take when I have my baby.
H says he wants to make sure that she gets to any abortion appointment A) Because he would like for her to have one, and B) Because he would be paying for it, and he doesn't want her to take his money and not go through with it. But she showed yesterday that she has no intention of following through with an abortion (probably because she's not pregnant, of course). I feel like H should draw a boundary with her and tell her that he's no longer interested in taking her anywhere. If she calls him, wanting him to drive her somewhere else (even to an abortion), H needs to say no. But he says that scares him because he's afraid she won't go to the appointment if he's not taking her.
I just wish she -- and even the idea of her -- would stay out of my life. She makes me sick. And it makes me sick what my H has done.
Hey PandDBing- Although my sitch is not like yours, i would imagine that the emotions you are feeling are normal, including the anger. I agree...i think that it is important for you to get out those books on infidelity and read them. "Surviving Infidelity" was especially helpful for me.
I think it is normal to want your H to make up to you everything that he has done. But, remember that you are at different stages in terms of rebuilding your R. You haven't been distracted, like he has, by other forces. Over the past weeks, you have been focused on your M and he hasn't. There is a lot for both of you to process. But, i think it is important that you each be honest with the other about how you are feeling. MC will definitely help.
As for the "pregnant" ow...i gotta say, i'm with everyone else on this one...her "pregnancy" is very suspect. Your H has got to insist on some sort of proof or something...i think it is important for you both to know for sure, as it will obviously affect you from now on.
Thats my 2 cents...hope you are having a good day. Sending happy thoughts your way!
Hey Preggo, just catching up. I'm glad Flaneur stopped by to give you a heads up on how it works next. It seems to me that you know the boundaries you want and any pseudo-logical issues with them that H are beside the point.
Your boundary is simple. H does not take her anywhere for any reason. I don't know her self transportation situation, but it seems to me she was able to get places her whole life before he came along (4 months ago as you say) so it seems hard to believe she can't now. The abortion issue is very tricky, but it is ludicrous to suggest that H's mere presence will cause it to happen or not happen. And, unless I am confused, the cost of it can be covered afterwards. Send him the biil.
But regardless of the logisitics, the important point is for you to say "H. Look. I don't want you taking her anywhere. It is one of the things you have to do in this process. It's a boundary. Logical reasons of why you should don't matter." You can tell him more if you want, but that seems like what you need to do. Boundaries are not a question of weighing pros and cons. They are there for other reasons.
Meanwhile, like everyone says, take care of that baby and the mommy carrying it. Physically and emotionally slow down and take time and take lots of relaxation.
Another thought, seems you said H came back carrying all the important things he didn't want to leave behind. He is been moving all week. How much "must have" stuff can be left? I think you may say "Look. Leave the rest for awhile and take a break. They're just things. If she throws them out or whetever, you can always get more. Forget about moving anything else until Monday (or whenever) and let's just relax together for a few days."
Hey guys! Just checking in. Thanks for that advice, bigAl. That's pretty much exactly what I've done. I told H that I didn't want him taking any more time off work for OW, and he agreed that he didn't want to. He's been telling me every time he hears from her and has said that he hasn't heard anything for two days now.
The driving sitch: OW says that her doctors now won't let her drive more than 10 miles a day. Bullsh!t. She's psycho, I'm tellin' ya. Anyway, that's why she "needs" H to drive her places. She's so full of it.
H only has one or two more loads of things to bring home. He's been doing a better job later this week of balancing his moving with time with me and the girls. He's always tired, though, which sucks. But maybe things will get somewhat back to normal in the coming weeks.
I'll be around...
Hope you all are doing well. Thanks for checking in.
