Hey, bigAl. I'm not sure I feel too smart right now.
Here's a snapshot of how I feel: Today changes nothing as far as my R is concerned. But it gives me peace of heart to know that this sitch in fact has had *nothing* to do with me. My H has spit on all my wonderful memories of our R and our M, and he led me to believe that he never felt the same way. Today, I feel somewhat vindicated. I feel like he's finally remembering the R that *I* remember. And he's acknowledging that *he* f*cked up. If I never see or hear from him again, what I took from our conversation today will be enough.
How is this different than what went on last month? Well for today, it's different because *he* reached the realization on his own, after he moved away. I didn't initiate the conversation with him today. I wasn't validating anything he said. H obviously thought of all this on his own. No one told him to feel this way. He realizes his own faults, and how they led to him abandoning me and my Ds.
H has "the life" now: A GF who can get him all the jobs he'd ever want (and her daddy's a builder, so I'm sure he helps, too). His GF is "in love" with him and I'm sure spreads her nasty-a$$ legs any time he wants her to. He's got his freedom, his own apartment. He can ride his bikes whenever he wants to. He doesn't have kids. He's got all his own money and does his own budget.
So what is it that makes him miss all the "chaos" that he so quickly ran from just five months ago? Obviously, the love I've known we had in fact existed ... and not just for me.
H may not call me on Saturday. He may decide that he *can* love OW. He may decide that he's too far gone to come back around. And I am okay with that. But what sucks for me (as long as I allow it to) is his indecision. He comes and goes -- without any warning whatsoever for either. And it also doesn't feel right to be his W, listening to him tell me how he can't make himself fall in love with his desperate dorky GF. Of course, what would be *really* unfair is having to listen to him tell me how in love with her he is.
There's a part of me that believes that now that his life is in shambles around him, and he realizes how bad he's messed up, he's gonna want me to help him figure out a way to fix it. He'll probably want my advice about breaking a lease without pi$$in' off Big Papa. But I'm not goinna fix his mess. I didn't get him in it, and I don't feel like I should help him out of it.
Granted, I don't believe that's what's prompting him to come back around ... *if* that's in fact what he's doing.
He said to me today, "I came this close to coming back home, and then I just changed." (He was referring to last month.) I asked if his feelings changed, or if it was more an ego thing. He said, "I guess it was an ego thing. It was just my way of saying, F*ck you.'"
I'm not going to project or plan what to do next. If my H is ever going to be my H again, then he took the first step today. But we've got a 1,000-mile journey ahead, and I don't know if either one of us is ready to take it. How 'bout I just put one foot in front of the other for now? First, he'll have to call Saturday. If he does that, I might be impressed...
