I feel good about the decision right now. After a person makes a tough decision you either feel that you regret it or finally glad the decision was made!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I really had hoped it wouldn't come to this for you, but the important thing is you've made the decision for you, the one that you feel is the right one for you.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: I feel good about the decision right now. After a person makes a tough decision you either feel that you regret it or finally glad the decision was made!
I also decided to 'divorce' my wife. She made it clear to me that she deserved to be 'happy' and that 'happy' was not with me. And she WILL 'have her OM' no matter what.
How can I stay 'mentally' married to someone who is emotionally immature and dishonest - with herself! And she does these things that hurt me, the 'flirty' things so we can 'be friends' I guess. Regardless, I want a divorce from her. I don't care if it's 'legal' just 'emotional'. It's better for my PMA. Isn't that what DB'ing is about, taking care of YOU?
Maybe in this context 'divorce' and 'detachment' mean the same thing. I don't care to move out or get a lawyer, just not to care for her or for her actions. Not be angry or mean, just not feel hurt or angry at what she does. And to start erasing her from that special place in my heart. I'll always love her, but she can't stay in that special place.
She has an OM who is basically a loser and uses her. She thinks so little of our marriage, and SHE was an energy drain on ME when I was hurting, and not any kind of help to me at all. I have forgiven myself and her for each of our roles in this. And I'm focusing on GAL and healing myself for ALL the past hurts, and the new ones she is inflicting on me.
I will 'act as if' she and I are divorcing and it's what I WANT and she can have it. It's what I said to her the other day when we had our argument, and I need to follow through with action. I want to divorce her emotionally. My actions will be to GAL, and live with her, acting as a man who is divorcing her, as she has requested. SHE still has to file since SHE is the one who wants this but I'M going to begin the mental process of divorcing myself from her.
And it DOES feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I'm not trying to please her in any way, just to be a good and decent man to her as I would to anyone else I care for. And to find the rest of 'myself' and get on with living my life as it is supposed to be lived.
Maybe she will play her 'pull me closer' games but I won't respond. She can't have both OM and me. I deserve, no DEMAND much more respect than that. If you say you are divorcing me AND have OM then I am not going to be a source of support. She forfeited that.
I made financial and housing commitments to her and I will keep them. I promised to 'be there' if she really needed me and I will. She is the mother of my children and has earned that from me. But she can't play emotional games with me any more. Or expect me to be more than a room-mate / friend. Not till she makes an effort to earn that right.
I still love her, too much. If she wakes up and decides that maybe we are worth fighting for then it will be different. I'm not holding out any hope that will happen soon.
All I can control is myself. Holding on to hope just hurts. Letting her go completely, 100% will be better for me and help me to GAL. Who knows, maybe for her it will make a difference in her attitude. She's emotionally gone anyway so what do I have to lose? Nothing really.
Tim sorry you feel it has come to this but just take each day as it comes as they can go back and forth with these decisions.
You are sounding a little more focused I hope you can keep that focus going. Everyone has said it whatever actions you take they must be for you and not for your W b/c when you are pretending or actng it never works out.
Frank every last word you wrote is ringing in my ears! You expressed in your words exactly how I am feeling right now! I thank you for that Frank!
"She has an OM who is basically a loser and uses her. She thinks so little of our marriage, and SHE was an energy drain on ME when I was hurting, and not any kind of help to me at all. I have forgiven myself and her for each of our roles in this. And I'm focusing on GAL and healing myself for ALL the past hurts, and the new ones she is inflicting on me."
This one quote from you Frank really stuck in my head. We have to foregive and move on. She is making choices that she will have to live with.
Personally my W is having a large dose of reality today in that I have emmotional checked myself out from her world, and she has to deal with consequences of her actions. For example she said she has already looked at places to live. I said how are you planning to pay for it while you are full time student. She had no answer. I said we are barely mking ends meet since I moved back and started a new job, and that I don't have the money to support 2 households anymore, and I need to take care of myself and the kids! She then started to bring up the past from over a year ago, and that her moving in was all me forcing her! I don't recall every smacking her over the head and dragging her into the house, and for over 2 months we paid for her place while she lived with me and the kids. She only stayed there 4 nites in the month of NOv and Dec. OH I FORGOT I had her tied down in the house!
Anyways I need to move on. Today is the first day I don't feel that empty pit in my stomach! I still hold hope that she will want to make our marriage work, but she will have to come to that conclusion on her own and convince me she is serious!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I still hold hope that she will want to make our marriage work, but she will have to come to that conclusion on her own and convince me she is serious!
My thoughts exactly...we have to be strong though and I personnaly know that my W coming around is a long shot due to her being so stubborn but like you said they have to live with the decision not us.
Well Tim, I think you've turned the corner. I really do. Like Kim said though, these things change every day, sometimes every hour, but I think your focus is right on, and for once, you are making the changes you need to make. Good job, and good luck. Just be honest with yourself. I don't think I was a few days ago, or maybe I was but the tests proved too hard. Keep on keepin on and I think you will come out ok.
It seems that Frank, Tim and Vinces have defitely turned the corner. You have all made very hard decisions, I truly wish you all the best. Stay faithful to yourself and don't lose sight of what's important.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Again Tim just keep focused on you and the kids and let W look after herself. You comment about money and how was she going to pay for her place was fine, this is a fact she needs to face but only say these things when she brings them up and respond as nice as possible.
Has she said anything about the kids. Does she think she is taking them with her or does she expect them to stay with you???? I was just curious if this has been discussed in the past????
Thanx Kim I am taking your advice and only addressing subjects when she opens the door about them. Amazingly enough now that I have made it clear that I am done and ready for the next phase she all of sudden wants to talk! The kids.... When we first seperated we lived in 2 different cities and we split the kids 2 weeks with me and 2 weeks with her. Tough on the kids (5 hr drive) and it soon became just about 3 weeks with me and 1 with her. I could not handle it anymore and moved back to start a new life and allow the kids to be close to both of us. Right now the kids are settled here with me. I spend 85% of the time with them becasue the demands of school and the OM take my wife away. She had a brilliant idea that we rent an apartment and the kids stay in the house and we would spend 2 weeks at the apartment and 2 weeks at the house. How about personal space? I have made it very clear that financially I can not support 2 households anymore, and that if she wants her own place she will have to pay for it. She sees that as me controlling her again not as her accepting responsibility for her actions. She does think the kids would go with her, but what I have demonstrated and done over the past several months would give me strong case. I should say I would never want to put my kids through that and I do not want to take them away from their mother either because I have seen the damage it has done to my W first hand not having a mother growing up. When it comes to the kids we love them deeply and I am sure we will do what is right for them!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
