She is tired of me always being there for her and picking up her pieces. Even though she knows I am only trying to help her and be there for her, she feels I am still controlling her. She wants to be independent, and do things for herself.
I understand that.
Stop picking up the pieces, plain and simple.
So whenever I ask for explanations I come across as controlling, manipulative, and pressuring her
Yeah, because it's all "pursuing" type behaviors you're doing when you do want to speak about, and how you speak about, the relationship.
I want this dynamic to change.
You're the key to that. Change what you're doing. That's the first step.
This is the first time through all this that I AM the one considering a divorce, and seeing a lawyer. I fought the lawyers, and divorce since the start but now I feel that maybe my only viable option!
Getting a divorce is not what I meant.
Just one option available to you, huh? You can do better than that.
My other option is still GAL, remain calm, be friendly to my W, and have some patience. try to DB and DR. Give her the space she wants, and treat her like a roommate.
Ah, another better option. Except that you could treat her a good, good friend, not as a "roommate".
The big problem with that is the dynamic does not stop (at least right away)
But it may still stop (or change) in time, right? Are you saying you're only open to remedies that are instantaneous? Is that realistic?
I know go on with your life, and let her live hers, but how under the same roof?
By allowing yourself to let it happen so.
Right now all I want is a break from this hell!
Well, you already know the answer to that one.
Look, Tim, many times folks post to find answers about what to do in their sitch, what their WAS is thinking/feeling, etc., hoping that others can provide those answers and shed some light. Right now, you've got something better! You've got your wife telling you exactly what her issues with you are and what she'd like to see from you instead!
[quoteLook, Tim, many times folks post to find answers about what to do in their sitch, what their WAS is thinking/feeling, etc., hoping that others can provide those answers and shed some light. Right now, you've got something better! You've got your wife telling you exactly what her issues with you are and what she'd like to see from you instead!
You are so right NYS. My W is telling me what she wants, and what she needs from me right now! I just have to listen, and show her I am listening to her with my actions. I have been selfish and controlling. I want what Tim wants and I want it now. I forget that we made it back together once after months of work, and that to have it happen again may take longer with alot more work! Patience..... I am committed to my marriage, and I will do everything I can personally to save our marriage!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Talk without speaking Cry without weeping Scream without raising your voice................. She's runninig to stand still
Thanx Flaneur I love U2! The quote is so appropriate to my sitch. My actions have to speak for me now, and in a positive way to achieving my goals of saving my marriage, and being a stronger person for my self and the kids. I did go home at lunch today and put together the spare room downstairs. I have been avoiding putting the bed frame together, and cleaning it out since we came back from Mexico, and we started the downward slide. I know that was controlling, and allowed me to keep her in the same bed as me. NY said it not to treat her as roommate, but as a VERY CLOSE FRIEND. Believe it or not before I ever posted here on the BB I did that from Aug until mid Dec. I did my best just to be there as a friend to her and it paid off because we started to recouncil. I know what needs to be done and now it is time to take the real actions to save my marriage, and truly better myself!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
For those out there who wonder if giving your wife the ultimatium to leave is the answer just read my sitch from top to bottom.
My wife left tonite. She told me she is not coming home tonite. Is this permanent? Could be? I this what i wanted? Absolutely not!
A few days ago I told her to choose between me and the other man. If she choose the OM I told her to pack up and get out! I acted on emmotion, and not thinking about what I really wanted. I thought I was at the "LAST" Last Resort mentioned in DR. I wasn' t even close, but my actions and words said otherwise! Now she is gone, and walked away from me, and her 2 and 4 yr old! This is not what I wanted so anyone reading this please learn from me! Also I did another thing tonite I regret. My daughter who is 4 went through our S this summer, and is so much better since my W and I got back together. So tonite when my leaves tells my daughter she is not coming home but will see her tomorrow. My W leaves, but at bedtime starts crying for Mommy, and wants Mommy to come home to kiss her good nite, and does not want her to leave, and then wants to talk to Mommy. So the manipulative controlling man I am who wants my W to feel guilty picks up the phone and calls my W. Good for my daughter because she calms down, but lays it on thick to her Mommy about missing her. Not the best thing to do if you are DB and don't want your wife to feel pressure. My W then told me on the phone that I lack parenting skills, and she can't believe I had her call! And my W is right! I said early I need to re-group and be strong. I still want my marriage to work. This just proves that if you don't DB what can happen, and if you actually do DB you may feel happiness again with your spouse!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Your wife leaves the children for over half of the last year, keeps bouncing between you and OM, and your the one that lacks parenting skills?!? Never protect anybody from the consequences of their decisions. Your wife told you that clearly that she wants you to stop doing things for her and always being there. How does this translate into "be her best friend" ??
You've been on this roller-coaster almost a year and your almost where you started. Isn't it time for a change of tactic?? Maybe it is time to see a lawyer and figure out your options. Your wifes continued absences and philandering with an alcoholic junkie who has a gambling problem gives you a good chance of attaining primary custody and eliminates the chance of OM becoming a father figure to them in the future.
Perhaps you should see it as a good thing that your W is out of the house. What she clearly needs is space. You cannot force her to give up the OM if she doesn't want to.
I think you also need some space to clear your head and get out of the constant back and forth you and your W were having. Yes it is good for your children to have your W home, but it was not good for either of you two.
Take some deep breaths. Do something to make yourself happy. Your W may come home again yet. Remember, it ain't over 'till it's over.
Alot of what you said Curiosity has played through my mind. I should expand on what happened this summer between us. My W and I decided to move to another city in Feb to further my career. We bought a house, had an offer on our other house, and was in the midst of planning the move back to the city where we were both born and raised. This is when she decided to seperate and stay behind and not move. (Now I know it was because of the OM) Went through hell all summmer. The kids would spend 2 weeks with me and 2 weeks with her. (Actually was more like 3 with me 1 with her). Finally moved back at the end of Oct to be closer to the kids, start a new page of my life, and try to recouncil with my W. Which we did for 2 months! I thought about the lawyer and the big D, but I am not there. I need to proof to myself that I can stop my controlling behavior, and just let her go, and see if she will come back. This is very tough because I have experienced the pain of this once already, and seen the dramatic improvement in our kids once we got back together. That is why I don't want to let go and I keep pushing. I just have to let go and go back to the state of mind I had before I moved back, and just worry about myself and the kids. I still want this to work.
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Short and sweet this time. Right now it's not enough to want these things. You must do them and report back to us that you have! Wanting is the first and most important step. Doing is the next and hardest! In the immortal words of a shoe: JUST DO IT!
If you actually do DB you may feel happiness again with your spouse!
Maybe, maybe not. More importantly, can Tim be 'happy' with who Tim is and who he wants to be and NOT depend on W or M/R for 'happiness'?
WAW talk about being happy, thinking other R w/ OP can make them 'happy'. When w/ OP, they might think they're happy but in reality they're probably miserable inside using the external 'happiness' to mask the internal pain, fear and guilt.
I need to proof to myself that I can stop my controlling behavior, and just let her go, and see if she will come back.
That's exactly what I've HAD to do these past 3 months. Today is WAW 46th birthday. I won't call her though b/c she doesn't want to interact with me in ANY way (D's and I did send a card though). Will WAW come back? I don't know, only God knows. I do know I have to now live my life as though she won't and work on being happy with myself.
Tim, you are no longer responsible for your W. She will live her own life regardless of what you say or do. I know how difficult it is for 'controllers' to want to 'fix' what's wrong with M, R and W. Trust me, take that energy and 'fix' the only thing you can - YOURSELF. Care to join me?
