Hit the wall now what......New thread

[Tim297181]

I wish I could describe how I feel this morning. Numb, depressed, angry, frustrated, confused, and in a way relieved. You know we had a blow out on Sat nite again. Sunday was friendly, but strained. I slept in Sunday, and she was at school and studying for most of the day. We watched "Grey's Anatomy" together and she could not even touch me on the couch. (I hate that show) Just before I went to bed I couldn't resist checking her cell phone and she has called the OM at least 3 to 4 times a day. Finally when we went to bed she said again that we need to get the spare room downstairs put together. She told me that things have to change and that she has explained everything to me.
Well I calmly said I am still confused, and if she is able to can we sit and calmly talk about the sitch. So we did. My W said she is tired of being a ping pong ball, and does not want to bounce back and forth between me and the OM. She still loves the OM, and can't get over her feelings. She is tired of me always being there for her and picking up her pieces. Even though she knows I am only trying to help her and be there for her, she feels I am still controlling her. She wants to be independent, and do things for herself. The reason we recouncilled was that she was vulnerable, and saw how well the kids were doing with us back together, but she could not stop thinking about the other man. She has not choosen the OM, but he is doing so much better and is TRYING to overcome his issues with drinking and gambling! 85% of the time the OM is amazing, but 15% was bad...WTF!
She said all she can give me right now is her friendship, and is not sure what she can give me in the future, and that we have no realationship as long as she has these feelings for the OM. She fell out of love with me before we seperated in March, but found that she still loved and cared for me again, but is not sure of her feelings and if the changes in me are permanent. She wants her space, and will move downstairs (because the kids always ask for me and not her), and does not want any more pressure!
So that is what she aaid to me rather calmly and when i started to ask questions as to what has happened and the things she had said the other day about getting back together, she just did not want to talk, got frustrated, told me to stop analyzing her, and stop pressuring her. So whenever I ask for explanations I come across as controlling, manipulative, and pressurring her!
She wants her space. She is still the ping pong ball because she can't end it with me, but stil will continue on with the OM. She gets her cake and eats it to. She stays in the house with me, acts around the kids like nothing is wrong, goes to school and studies whenever she needs to, has me take care of the kids, goes out with the OM on dates openly in front of me, has me pay all the bills, acts around our friends and family like nothing is wrong.............So that is her definition of independence and space! Has a husband that loves her unconditionally, and takes care of everything for her, and a boyfriend that she can cry on his shoulder and have great sex with!
I want this dynamic to change.
First and foremost I have to think of myself and the kids, and what I need and what I am capable of doing for myself!
This is the first time through all this that I AM the one considering a divorce, and seeing a lawyer. I fought the lawyers, and diviorce since the start but now I feel that maybe my only viable option! I told her to get out if she will continue on with the OM, and I believe that is why she has said that she has not choosen the OM (yet). she told me that she knows she is hurting me, but when I told her to get out that hurt her, and reminded her of the man I was before we seperated! Going to a lawyer is also huge in that I do not want my kids around the OM. I am considering a restraining order. The open converstaions about his drinking, and black out episodes, along with his gambling and drug use give me way too many reasons not to have this man around my kids.
My other option is still GAL, remain calm, be friendly to my W, and have some patience. try to DB and DR. Give her the space she wants, and treat her like a roommate. The big problem with that is the dynamic does not stop (at least right away) We did talk about how to deal with "new" living arrangement but she did not want to last nite. I am not sure if I am emmotionally strong enough to watch her go out with the OM openly in frot of me. How is this being independent. She has no idea of her financial responsibilities, and what it truly is like to do things on her own!
I know go on with your life, and let her live hers, but how under the same roof? I can't pretend for ever that we are a happy family so people won't judge her, and me. She does not want people to know because she will not be supported in her decision.
Right now all I want is a break from this hell! I am going to sit on this for a week, (or at least that is my goal for right now) Try to get my head screwed on again. I have to go to Las Vegas next week for almost the entire week, so I really have to try and detatch before I go. It will also give her the chance to feel what it is like without me at least a few days!
I really feel confused right now, but like I said a little relieved in that I feel the need to move on without her. See how long this lasts!