Quote: I would like to first apologize to all those out there who contributed to my post and tried to help.
Apology? TIM WTF is it with you? you are always apologizing for being you, or for having feelings or venting or whatever. Maybe I missed something but I didn't see anything in your posts that were hurtful or insulting attacks on anyone on this board! Did I miss it? All I saw was venting not aimed at anyone but...yourself and your wife. Why the need to apologize ALL THE TIME??? You don't think the rest of us vent too? Hey man look at MY threads, by now you should realize I'm nuts! But with the exception of escalating an argument with NYC guy I never feel like I have to apologise for FEELINGS and VENTING.
Quote: I lost a big thing in my life since I found out my W is back together with the OM. I lost respect, and compassion. I did not respect my W, and I lost the compassion for the one person I truly love. I lost the respect for myself to know that I am a better person than the way I have been acting, and I lost compassion for myself to allow myself to feel the emmotions and to let them flow without reacting.
You know, I DB quite a lot but sometimes you just gotta say what needs to be said. I believe that to LIVE ALL THE DB 'PRINCIPLES' in the books, and from the coaches is not 'the gospel', it is a set of GUIDELINES. As I have said before, I have a deep trust in my counselor which for ME is very very hard to gain, and I analyze people to the nth degree. There have been times when I have NOT just 'absorbed' crap W was saying or doing and pushed back. Every time, I have gotten RESPECT in return. Remember that one of the things that happens as a marriage starts to fall apart is that the W loses RESPECT and DEVALUES the relationship.
Now, maybe your method of DELIVERY of your message wasn't the best choice but the message is CLEAR to her now: You said she is breaking her promises to you and herself, she is continuing a bad relationship that she knows is bad, and she should NOT expect you to be there forever as a landing pad or safe haven because YOU have feelings too. And she knows she is hurting your kid. I think that's pretty darn good.
Quote: Now it is time to take action that will be positive for myself, the kids, and with hope for my realationship. Starting right now I am going to live my life for me. I will allow my W to share in it when she is ready. I will always be there for my kids, and I will be there for my W when she asks for it. I will give as much as I can to others and expect nothing in return. I will show respect and compassion to all the people I love not just my W.
Bravo! And then she will really see who you are, and you will feel so much more self esteem as you basically say "she is who she is, I love her but I don't need her any more". It's like a double 180 -- Tim lays it out for her so she can't ingore it, Tim backs off and takes care of HIMSELF and treats her with the respect HE EXPECTS her to treat HIM with.
I'm sure I sound radical here but I am tired of the "No, No, ONLY DB or you will mess it up!". There is a time for everything. Right now one thing is for sure: She is not in a fog any more about where you stand and how HER actions affect YOU. She sure has a lot to think about, and to feel about.
I think this is a good thing. You didn't attack HER as bad, just her actions. If you had called her a B*tch, Slut Whore or something then it would be bad. Nothing you said can be taken as an insult to her because it was ALL TRUE.
I have done many 'wake up calls' with W as you know, financial rules, living space rules. You told her the boundaries to your feelings, and your life. Granted in a colorful way, but you did it.
Now go and be DB'er number 1 again but KEEP your respect.
