Hit the wall now what......New thread

[Tim297181]

I still want to work out my marriage, but I needed to stand up for myself!

Have you had difficulties standing up for yourself in the past? I ask because I have been accused of this by my W. When a family member says something about W, my family, or mayself..etc...I really don't say anything. Passive aggressive doormat...Have you made any other progress in this aspect other than the recent powder keg?

---

I was the same way. I acted like Switzerland! Since the seperation that has changed alot! I put up boundaries with my family, and really stood behind my W. This was a big change, and a huge issue with my W.

The powder keg! Yeah that is an issue! It has happened before. I keep the emmoions in and then they come out a little to aggressive sometimes! has not happened since this spring. Not proud of it. High stress, high emmotions....got the better of me! No excuse! The positive is I got somethings off my chest that I needed to say, and I am glad it happened just not the way it happened!
Question:
I have to switch vehicles with my W later today, so do I wait for her after her therapist appointment, and maybe talk things out?"

[superstressed]

Tim,

Believe me, I understand how you feel. I've exploded during arguments with my H many, many times. Unfortunately it just isn't productive. There is a difference between setting up a boundary and going overboard and doing something to push your W away from you. I don't know what that boundary is, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to GAL.

When you get really upset about what your W is doing, remember the positives you have going for you. At the moment she is still coming home to you every night and not the OM.

SuperStressed

[KimDownUnder]

Hi TMU Whilst I agree with what others have said I do want to say that I totally understand your need to get things off your chest. Other than your 4 year old I bet you feel a bit better about getting that out into the open.

Sometimes I think it is necessary to release it all and yes it may set you back a bit with reconciliation but sometimes it does just make then take a good look at themselves. Whether your W does or not remains to be seen but my H did when I let it rip.

They are quite amazing though when you point things out to them and they say "I don't want to discuss it now" that used to frustrate the hell out of me too. We sit and do all the right things whilst they do all the wrong ones and as understanding as what we are we are supposed to continually just accept their behaviour.

I found that whilst I was working my own feelings out I did all the right things but then when I had enough and truly thought to myself "I dont need this and can live without" and meant it, then I said what I wanted to say prepared to move on and that's when it seemed to hit home with my H and everything started to change.

I don't think this is something that can be faked though you really have to go through alot of ups and downs to reach that point.

Sorry for rambling but I was just trying to make you see that it is all just part of your individual journey through this nightmare. Yes you may have lost your cool but we all do so move on from it. I also wanted to point out that sometimes when we make a mistake and blow up it's not always that bad.....

Goodluck and I look forward to your next update....Kim

[Tim297181]

Hi TMU Whilst I agree with what others have said I do want to say that I totally understand your need to get things off your chest. Other than your 4 year old I bet you feel a bit better about getting that out into the open.

I did feel better to get things off my chest! In a way I was relieved!

UPDATE

Well I got lucky! (Not like that!)
Do not recommend the path I took but I got a small positive step forward!
How my saga continues is this:
My W had individual therapy session today at noon. I went home for lunch. She should have gone back to school but came home after her session. She walked in and said sorry right away. I said sorry for my episode this morning. She said it was completely understandable....Long story short she told me when my daughter was crying this morning, and I told her to go live with the OM she realized how wrong she was, and she was making a mistake. She told me she wants to be with me, and that she knows the OM is completely wrong for her, and is totally manipulating her. She also said the OM is like an addicition to her (words from the therapist) and that she wants to solve all his problems! She apologized again, and we hugged. She looks horrible and is defintely depressed. She then went to take a nap and I went to work.
I still am not of the woods yet and we have alot of work to do so I really have to listen to my own advice, and be patient.
Please any one reading this please read my complete sitch, and see that I did some things that were wrong, and acted out of emmotion. Just because I got a positive step forward from it does not make it right! In my sitch I felt I needed to give her the choice of me or the OM, and it did it out of emmotion not after careful deliberation.
The only thing that maybe considered in my sitch is that I have been calm and almost to loving and giving toward my W when she has been dealing with the OM. This was a complete 180 in regards to my emmotional out burst, and being angry. n the DR book I know there was a scenario described where am did a similar thing and it worked for him. I am not saying this is the way to handle any sitch yet I got ONE positive result from it!

[AmyC]

I'm sorry things are working out like this...

Please take it from someone who has been there, she has to walk this walk out for herself. You may or may not still want her when she's done but you can not do anything to expedite this process. I'm so sorry you're going through this hell. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your kids.

Nothing is going to open her eyes until she smacks her rear end on rock bottom.

Another thought: DO NOT be her "babysitter". Make plans to be gone a lot in the evenings if you have to but don't let her add insult to injury by leaving you with the kids while she is galavanting around town with OM.

[Tim297181]

Well you know what just when I thought I was going to break out the champagne....(if you missed it read some of the early postings from today in thread to catch up)
Don't celebrate just yet! Just got home with pizza and wine and she is already to go! She says she has been calling the OM all day and has not been able to get a hold of him, and she needs to talk to him! Just wait her is my big response....
OH.
She says she is going over there to talk to him with no expectations and thanks me for being her friend and gives me a hug! I am in shock! She is all bubbly and is dressed nice with make up on! She says she will be home later and is all friendly with the kids before she leaves!
Did I say I am in shock!
What the hell is happening!
No indication she is going to end it....no expectations! WTF!
Oh and she was wearing a ring on her wedding finger but it was not her wedding bands! WTF
Buckle up here we go again!~€

[KimDownUnder]

Hi Tim sorry for the wrong name earlier not concentrating.....

I was going to post to you not to take that positive step too seriously and then I saw your next post in which you have now realised that.

They call this a rollercoaster for a reason as that is what it is. They can say one thing one minute and the next act totally the opposite.

All I can say is she is obviously not willing to lose you yet and doesn't want to move out but maybe isn't at the stage to break it off with Om then again maybe that is why she wants to see him, who knows we can only ever ASSume and we get that wrong most of the time.

Like I said early you cannot control her at all so the best idea is too look after your and your childs needs and bugger anyone else. Whatever happens with W will happen no matter how much distance or how close to them we are fate will still take it's course.

Truly just get going for yourself and let her sort herself out. Nothing worse than someone who looks needy and as thoough they need to talk when you aren't interested it makes them less attractive.

Watch the difference when you put no pressure on her she will change, maybe OM doesn't pressure her or ask her many questions. Just a thought.....Kim

[Tim297181]

Watch the difference when you put no pressure on her she will change, maybe OM doesn't pressure her or ask her many questions. Just a thought.....Kim

When she left tonite I did the no pressure because I was in shock! Really whatever happens tonite and going forward is truly out of my control!
Kim the thing is my W has told me several times (previous to this) how always is pressuring her! To get out of her marriage, spend more time with him blah blah blah! That is the crazy thing! I know so much about the OM (or at least I think I do) because she really opened up the couple months we were supposedly recounciling! He is also very manipulating and controling....which is one of the big reasons why my W left me initially!
My W did have some revalations today, and look at me now....waiting anxiously for her to come home after 2.5 hours.....I know do something else!

[AmyC]

Tim and TMU:

I get so mixed up between your threads but the one question I am left with is how do your wives do it?

How do they continue their affairs knowing that you want to save the marriage? How does the stress of living with their H while having an affair not get to them?

I was wondering what makes your sitches different than mine was when my H came home after our first separation when I still had OM. I cracked within 3 months and dumped OM because of the stress and all the emotion from both sides. The one glaring difference I see is that while my H hated it - he DID NOT make it easy for me by any means, never "let" me do it and was always telling me he just couldn't believe I was doing that. How did I do that and still go to church? Now I was never one to just leave the kids every night and eventually it all just got to be too much and the OM began to call the house phone and that just struck me wrong. It was as of he was flaunting it in my H's face and even in my warped mind at the time, I could still see that lacked common decency. So I dumped OM but that by no means fixed my marriage because my frame of mind was still so jacked up. By then, I wanted to be "on my own" and it took a second separation and REALLY being ALONE before the blinders started coming off and I began to see straight.

So what are you two doing differently? One thing I see is a lot of what will be perceived by your wives to be ass kissing and I am sorry but that isn't going to win your wives back. Somehow there must be a way that you can be supportive because of your W's real issues but yet still have enough spine to draw the line at just how much disrespect you will put up with.....

I'm sorry if I seem harsh. I don't mean to be that way to you two. It's your wives that make me flip my lid. How can they sleep doing what came damn close to causing me to have a nervous breakdown. Even with all my anger at that time, I had a terrible time looking in the mirror every morning....Thank GOD I am free of that deception. I'll pray that they, too, will find freedom from it. It's a monster that destroys everything in it's path....if they let it.

Amy

[Tim297181]

Tim and TMU:


So what are you two doing differently? One thing I see is a lot of what will be perceived by your wives to be ass kissing and I am sorry but that isn't going to win your wives back. Somehow there must be a way that you can be supportive because of your W's real issues but yet still have enough spine to draw the line at just how much disrespect you will put up with.....


Amy

Thanx Amy!
I did draw the line this morning, but it was under great emmotion! All I know depending on what she says when she comes home tonite.....I want this to end! I will have to go real cold on her! I don't want her to leave yet this is killing her and me! The only problem is having 2 young kids!
The longer she is gone the angrier I get, and I feel I have to follow through with my statements this morning regardless of her short revalation and coming back to reality for a few minutes this afternoon!