Tim, I totally agree with NY. You need to find that inner core within yourself and take control of the only thing you have control over…and that is yourself my friend! After reading your stich I see so many similarities from my own R with my W. I’m sorry you have to be going through this, and yes it is a dark tunnel. However, there is a light, if only you can focus on it. The principals in the DB book are a life line to your own sanity. I am a perfect example on what not to do to save the R. I begged, cried, used the guilt trip against her, became passive, angry, and all the others distasteful attributes that drove her away…until I read the DB book. A 180 is a must! If what you are doing hasn’t work you need to change the dynamics of you actions. Here’s my point; I seriously had to take a personal inventory of myself, (sort of like an out of body observation), it literally made me ill. Once I put the shoe on the other foot and observed the stich from my W point of view it became quite obvious what I needed to do. Because the fact of the matter is, I wouldn’t want me either the way I was acting. Every time I opened my trap it reaffirmed her she was doing the right thing. My W offered to come back and work on OR several times, and I was ecstatic! She lasted only as long as anybody could because…I continued to badger her about the OM and OR. In her mind it was none stop. She eventually left again. I remember her telling me several times after I asked her why do you need the OM and why do you need to continue to talk to him. Her answer was simpler then I could accept. “He listens to me; he doesn’t bring up all the bad things” that I always wanted to talk about for my own personal satisfaction bla-bla-bla. Very similar to your stich, so it seems. She doesn’t want this “looser”, she realizes she made a mistake; she just doesn’t want to be reminded of it all the time. So start your 180’s and dig deep into that inner core and do the best you can to make it happen, for yourself. I know…easier said then done. But, just like NY said you’ve already made it through much worst. Give her something better to look at…and that’s you in a different light. You can do it! Have faith! d-
