I really related to Frank in his thread when he said that sometimes detaching can be perceived as a huge "more of the same" from his W because of all the time in the past he was not available for her.
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To me "detaching" doesn't necessarily mean pulling away from your wife. To me it means doing more activities for yourself and becoming self-dependent.
"Detaching" is really about "disengaging" from the emotional triggers that one previously has reacted to. It's about letting go of those reactions, it's about realizing that one does not control outcomes nor other people either.
As an example, recently, a buddy of mine told me he and his wife have decided to move from NY to Boston this summer. My initial thought was "Geez! Oh! I'm going to miss you" but I instantly realized I was thinking selfishly somewhat in that thought, and wasn't thinking through their point of view and supporting them, and a split second later, my mouth was saying, "That's great! Boston's a fun town! Wow, I'm really happy for you! That's so cool. Hey and now I have a place to visit when I go there!" He and his wife's reaction to all that was big smiles and happiness as they went on to relate how ecstatic they are about the prospect.
But I'm emotionally detached from him and his wife. Now, consider if that was someone I wasn't detached from. My mouth might've said: "OMG! I can't believe it! Why do you have to move so far away? Why all of a sudden? I'm going to miss you! I can't believe you're doing this! What's going to happen to our friendship? Are you sure you want to make this move?"
"Detaching" is also *not* about distancing one's self. I see lots of folks confuse the two. I read where some get themselves "detached" by becoming physically absent from their WAS, yet detaching is something that's done in your head and does not require being apart from the other person, rather, it's something you do with the other person present, and while the other person may even be pressing your buttons.
In a way, it's a manner of "unconditional love", one can be fully present, available, supportive and loving - detaching just lets go of emotional triggers that stem from other underlying issues; "control" or other insecurities, for example.
Certainly, one of the facets of working on detachment is to not be centered so around another person or situation, and that's one of the reasons GAL is key.
