My C session was AWSOME! C decided, after much protesting from me (I wanted to stop), to stop talking about my R with me. She is frustrated at the whole DB process even though she doesn't know what it is. She thinks it sounds insane to let my W just go on with this but she agreed with me (or just said she did to move things on) when I finally said two of the main principals I am employing are detachment and improving myself. We finally were talking about the same thing and made great progress! She did some kind of hypno-thing with me that was really cool. Kinda too Freudian for me but I am going to have to ease up on that because I feel really good. It was something about getting touch with the inner child or something. I sounded silly, but actually it was really good. I don't know exactly what she did, but at least for a few hours, I have been really good.
On another note, my W, as I started to realize she would as the day wore on and since she did not see him today, went to a "movie" with "herself" again. Oh well. I did the best I have ever done as she left and she gave me an extended hug with a sweet little noise at the end. Oh, last night I told her when she called me on her way home, that I could now blow out the candle...so she asked, what candle? I said I told the kids that I lit a candle when mommy was out to keep her safe. She said "awwww". It could have been manipulative but it didn't come off that way. SO, tonight as she was leaving, I lit the candle and she said "you don't have to do that. I am just going to the movies, it's not like I have a suitcase packed in my trunk" with a laugh! She actually joked about it. So I said "yes, but you never know what kind of evil guys might be out there ready to do you harm." with a big grin. She took it well. We both laughed.
So, I am ok now. I have NO freaking idea if it will last, but WTH, it's good right now. The C also suggested that I more formally invite my W to C. I may do that, but not tonight.
I am going to try to get through things and see what happens with NO R talk tonight. That is unless she comes home and tells me we are D'ing!
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Ok, my night was really positive, sort of. My W went to a movie, but got home really early. She went to see a different movie and it started earlier. She didn't call on the way home, which is unusual but I didn't really question it. After she was home a few minutes, I went up to her and gave her a hug. Same as two nights ago, she squeezed. I am still not reading into this. I think it is guilt, but I don't know. I am not going to initiate any more for awhile. So she came in, and we proceeded to talk about the kids and how we both felt that they needed more quality time from each of us. This is significant because my W has not been doing that much at all. She buys them things all the time instead of actually spending time with them. We had lots of eye contact, which is rare for me (big area to work on), and tons of smiles and laughter. I also made sure to listen a lot and try not to interrupt much. It was a good talk and I went upstairs after about a 1/2 hour feeling ok. She still came to bed really late after saying how tired she was and how she wanted to go to bed early. I'm think she may have talked to him even after the movie (which I'm not entirely sure she went to with him...denial...I know) but no matter. That was about it. I do not take anything from it. It was truly normal life from a time when we used to talk, laugh and "be together." In the middle of the night she asked me to rub her back. It was nice but then in the morning, when I was a little too close for comfort, she pulled away. It was probably an unconscious reaction but it still stung a bit. The real news I guess is that while my new found sense of self wore off a bit (no illusions that one session can cure that), I did wake up, look at my beautiful sleeping wife and not cry for the first time since this happened. I think that is a step. Like I said, I know better than to believe any of this. It's not that I explicitly DON'T believe it, it's just that I don't want to build any expectations.
