Thank you for posting. I am in a real bad place right now and since I decided to stop posting each emotional swing I take, I am going to leave it at that. I have never asked God for anything before. I live right, act right and really have never needed God. Stupid thinking I know but right now, I am praying a lot. I need help and I don't know where else to get it. Thank you again.
taking a look at my thread over in Separated - What Now? and tell me what you think? I had a conversation with my H earlier that I was not really prepared for and I would like some insight from the other side.... Do you suppose there'll ever be redemption for me in my husbands eyes?
Well, almost made it through the weekend and then my W sprung the "Oh, and I'm going out for a few hours tonight." Of course, it is with a group of friends, NOT a date as she says but who cares. I don't believe her, she knows it, my demeanor changed and she knows it. I told her I wished she had said something before a couple hours from leaving and she said she thought she had, and what did it really matter anyway. She went on to say, "now you're all in a mood. what do I expect you to act like I guess." I said "I think all things considered, I have been acting VERY well towards you, correct?" She said "yes, you have." So I said "So if I have moment where the intense pain gets to me, forgive me. I will be fine in a minute." She said ok. It was weak of me, and I indeed pulled myself together. She went out, theoretically to be home in time to put the kids down. I doubt that. I am so depressed lately because I am just starting to feel the "failure" feelings I read about. My relationship failed and my family is failing. I can't wrap my head around how that is going to change. I am trying my best to contain all this crap but it's spilling over to my kids and my general life. Not much but it is. It's like nothing in my life gets past the "this sucks" filter I have. I am uninterested in everything. I am supposed to GAL but nothing makes me happy. I went to see a movie and I just sat there watching numb. It was ok, but... I am back to yelling at the kids. I am back to the emotional swings from hell (behind closed doors anyway) and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I know detachment it the key. It will come sooner of later. Right now I am attached for sure, but at least I am doing a reasonably good job of concealing it. Last thing is that I am feeling a ton of jealousy towards this new group of friends she claims to have. They may all be made up, but I don't think so. So she has the great life, with a new man, friends and no husband or kids. Sounds great! Then she come home to this. The kids are misbehaving more than ever, I am moody at best despite great acts of DBing strength to NOT be that way much of the time, and the bills still need to get paid. Anyone know how to get a 5 year old and 3 year old to DB?
Anyone know how to get a 5 year old and 3 year old to DB?
Now you know this answer...children learn from those that set the example for them. Generally the parents. Sometimes it is the Grandparents.
Yes, you are definitely attached and you are showing it to her. What's it going to take to detach? What would help you detach.
Okay, she's going out with friends, have you always behaved in the past like this when she's made plans to go out without you? Perhaps this is why she waited...I know I am quite guilty of doing the exact same thing. Why, because if I had said anything prior, I would have had to live with IT up until the event happened, if I didn't back out of it because of guilt.
She said she's going out with friends, you take her at her word. Your head is spinning because you are letting it spin. She called you on the mood...has she done that in the past. That was actually quite brave of her to do that if I may say so. That's why I asked if you are normally like this when she wants to do something. You know history repeating history.
You managed to throw in the sitch to her...not very smooth my friend. Remember that it has nothing to do with you. But since you are obviously still attached, it will affect you.
Next time, bite your lip, tell her that you hope she has a great evening and leave it at that. Be sincere...that would leave her more to wonder than to leave the house angry with you for being controlling.
I understand you being jealous about the new friends...so have you made new friends yet? New interests, hobbies? I know you've heard this a thousand times, but one day you will detach...if not for you then for your children. They are going through enough hell right now...they need a strong father there for them. You know you can do this...
Thanks. I don't know what it will take. We are really attached at our kids.
Detachment will come. I think maybe with a little more time. I also think she is very good at throwing little bones, either out of a desire to manipulate, or guilt, that keep me from believing the absolute worst, and therefore, staying the faithful lapdog.
I am not that at all. It will take a little more time to get to where my actions match my words.
As for the new friends, GAL, as I have stated many times before, (and I might add, NYS addressed this issue in another thread very well) my having a LIFE when she does not is one of the major causes of our problem. I was gone 3-4 nights a week. Although it was work, it was fun work (I cover sports as a photographer) and she knows I have many friends there so it's really like a night out with friends (the pay is NOT enough to justify).
I am getting a life as much as I can without doing more of the same that she resents now. I am going out to movies, running, asserting my desires more, etc.
I don't know how long detachment usually takes but it's been less than a month for me and to me it seems like trying to undo 10 years of a relationship all in a couple weeks, all the while trying to figure out how to survive.
I am feeling positive about my eventual ability to do what needs to be done. I am already not talking OM/R more than about once a week, and even then, very brief. I think I am doing ok. I am in control, somewhat at least, of what I present to the world, and I need to keep working on that.
Thanks again for the comments.
It's like nothing in my life gets past the "this sucks" filter I have. I am uninterested in everything. I am supposed to GAL but nothing makes me happy. I went to see a movie and I just sat there watching numb. It was ok, but...
I can relate to feeling this way; it's normal. It's not a good way to be feeling, but it happens to a lot of us. I can tell you that time helped me a lot, and (hate to say it) detaching from H. which was made easier for me because he doesn't live with me, and he cut back on his visits here. I realize you live with your wife, and this is going to make it more difficult, but you CAN do it!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Anyway, I just finished the 5 Love Languages. As I predicted, I am Physical Touch and I think my W is Acts of Service. So I am confused. I know that about my wife, and started acting on it long ago. Am I wrong about her language? So many of these books outline things I think I do or did and still we are here now. So, just reporting my reading for the weekend. Next onto...suggestions?
I have read in the past 2 weeks: Divorce Busting Getting the Love You Want The Divorce Remedy The 5 Love Languages
I am considering: The 4 Agreements Surviving Infidelity (I have read parts of this in the store so probably won't buy it) I Don't Have to Make Everything Ok (if I can find it) Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars.
People, I am so far from detached you may as well call me Tim (sorry man, and many of you do anyway) So I'm going to bed and I happen to walk near my W in the kitchen. She turns to me and gives me this big, tight hug. WTF! I lost it. Not in front of her, upstairs...still crying. So many reminders of what was is no more. I will savor that as a "Have" and try to forget the "Have Nots" Taking my own advice, but still emotional as hell now.
I was reading something on Hope's thread and decided to interject something on mine. My W does the same thing about her "life" with the OM. When she comes home, she always acts like it was the most miserable time she's ever had (ok, I am exaggerating but you get the point). One time she even said something to that effect. I know she is probably trying to spare me, but is that good or bad? Also, she still calls me sweetie and honey all the time, whenever she addresses me actually. Does that mean anything? It is habitual for both of us to use pet names, but I remember reading somewhere that pet names go out the window sometimes (or more) when these things happen. Comments?
No pet names in a very long time on my end. Ever since this started, and as I think about it, even before I found out. I guess every situation is different.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
