I appreciate your comments. I think Tim and my sitch have similarities but they are different as well, especially in duration. I get a little defensive about "grow a set" comments because I was on a few other boards before finding the books and this one. The main reason I left those other boards was because from post one I was getting the "grow a set and throw the B@## out!" It was a marvelous grasp of the obvious urge but not very helpful. I guess it's all in the delivery, as we've been seeing with the words of a certain person around here being take as sarcastic and mean spirited instead of helpful and supportive. I really want to give my wife the comfortable place to come to but she seems to harbor so much resentment towards the way I USED to behave that it looks like it will be a long road for me, all the while, she's carrying on God knows what with this OM. I AM new to my sitch compared to many here and I use your experiences as a gauge for where I am and where I may end up. What I am finding out though is that there are only so many universals you can use in a situation like this. Yes, my sitch is similar, and my W may be similar, but similar is not exact and therefore, I think I need to start examining my sitch and making decisions that suit it. I am not talking radical departure from DBing, just really thinking about what 180's I need to do and what things I can do to be supportive but not enabling, assertive but not controlling, loving but not smothering. I really want to thank you all for suffering through some of my rambling. I am trying to me more focused and less emotional here. I hope it helps you help me.
After reading further into your and Tim's situations I see the differences now. But, hey, I didn't say anything at all about "balls" or "being a man" . I don't think like that. I just said there "must be a way that you can be supportive of her for her REAL issues while still having enough of a spine to decide just how much disrespect you will allow". That's almost a quote, however, that was a bit extreme for your sitch, and I should not have posted it to you both on Tim's thread. I do stand by everything I told him, though. To you, I apologize, but I have to say once more that I did not imply either of you were ball-less.
I'm going to keep up with your thread. I'll talk to you soon.
Reading the comments of the last few posts, I've been wondering about that issue myself. Fortunately, my W has not engaged in certain overt behavior with OM. As far as I know, and I'm pretty certain about this, their time spent alone has been very limited. There is no phone contact, etc. But after reviewing Tim's sitch and some of the others, I wonder to what extent I could put up with that. I mean, I am being supportive and understanding of her emotions, trying to be more of a friend than a husband and employing the other DB principles, but I do believe that if certain lines were ever crossed, I would establish some boundaries rather quickly. I haven't read anything in DB or DR that advocates being a doormat.
TMU, again while there may be some similarities in your sitch and Tim's, as well as mine, there are also several major differences as you have outlined.
Just my two cents worth.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
what things I can do to be supportive but not enabling, assertive but not controlling, loving but not smothering.
These are thin lines, however, they are exactly what you should be aiming for. As you said, every situation is different and fluid, so there can be no universal principles that will apply to every situation.
At the moment you must try to acheive all of this and give your wife the time and space to realise and accept the changes you are making. Much of her confusion probably stems from uncertainty as to whether or not the changes you have made are real and permanent. Also the fact that she does not see OM as a viable long-term option is good, however, it is important to note that she is still attached to him emotionally and probably trying to spare your feelings. Although that hurts it is a good thing in and of itself.
Nevertheless, fence-sitting and confusion are not the same thing. I hope you have a sense of self-preservation that kicks in if you ever realise that your wife is not confused but is selfishly cake eating.
You are definately taking the high road at the moment and your decision to stay and solve this situation, due to your love for her and not fear of being alone, takes much more "balls" than kicking her out. Nevertheless, if you continue indefinately without a sense of self-preservation the whole exercise eventually becomes counter-productive.
Is it strength when I can only maintain my cool/detachment so long as the affair is not staring me in the face? I mean when I am reasonably sure she has seen him, or is with him, etc, I get all those strong feelings about ending things, lashing out, etc. So far I have not acted on them. Is that the strength part or should I be better at not letting that get to me?
Well, you went on to explain that "I mean when I am reasonably sure she has seen him, or is with him, etc, I get all those strong feelings about ending things, lashing out, etc.". That's indicative of not being detached, so your question "Is it strength when I can only maintain my cool/detachment so long as the affair is not staring me in the face" seemed answered by yourself. You don't see it?
It's easy to be "strong" when we're temporarily OK and not presented with grief (when it's not 'staring you in the face'). The true test comes, like most things, when we're faced with the task and the old behaviors well up in your core and pull at you... what do you do then? That's the true measure.
It's like old habits (which is what behaviors are). It's easy to not smoke while you're sleeping or taking a shower... but what do you do when you've just finished breakfast, or are drinking, or a friend of yours lights up? That's the measure of how strong you can be. The notable thing is that, even if right now you're not so strong, you can make yourself stronger in the face of adversity.
Thank you for that. I think I understand your point. So, taking your smoking example, if in the end, you don't light up when your friends do, then your strength is confirmed. It's not that you don't want to anymore, it's that you DON'T anymore. So, then is my true answer, yes, I have strength so long as I don't ACT on my feelings? I am not trying to put words in your mouth, just making sure I am getting the point from your example.
. I don't think like that.