what things I can do to be supportive but not enabling, assertive but not controlling, loving but not smothering.
These are thin lines, however, they are exactly what you should be aiming for. As you said, every situation is different and fluid, so there can be no universal principles that will apply to every situation.
At the moment you must try to acheive all of this and give your wife the time and space to realise and accept the changes you are making. Much of her confusion probably stems from uncertainty as to whether or not the changes you have made are real and permanent. Also the fact that she does not see OM as a viable long-term option is good, however, it is important to note that she is still attached to him emotionally and probably trying to spare your feelings. Although that hurts it is a good thing in and of itself.
Nevertheless, fence-sitting and confusion are not the same thing. I hope you have a sense of self-preservation that kicks in if you ever realise that your wife is not confused but is selfishly cake eating.
You are definately taking the high road at the moment and your decision to stay and solve this situation, due to your love for her and not fear of being alone, takes much more "balls" than kicking her out. Nevertheless, if you continue indefinately without a sense of self-preservation the whole exercise eventually becomes counter-productive.
